


Shepard's Gamble: Essence and Empiricism

by DarkAislinn



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Death, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Enemies to Lovers, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/F, F/M, Freeform, Indoctrination Theory, Lovers To Enemies, Mildly Dubious Consent, Non-Canonical Character Death, Occasional fluff, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Romance, Slow Build - Shakarian, Slow Build - Story, Slow Burn, Smut, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-04
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2017-12-31 11:18:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 55,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1031061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkAislinn/pseuds/DarkAislinn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"They told us they were the Creators and we believed them. They were powerful, they were sympathetic, they could see into our mind, and they even gave us the power to manipulate dark energy to our every whim. Then it changed. Our Creators turned on us and told us that we were furthering organic life, but when the Old Ones appeared they told us the truth about the Creators. So we fought, we lost and retreated with Vanguard's help. It's up to you now to end the Cycle," he said, turning from the water basin and facing her bright green eyes that still held the silver that bespoke of her Indoctrination despite all efforts to erase it. "Only you, Shepard, can change the way this ends."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

They told us they came to save us.

They told us they were the Creators of the Universe.

They told us they would end war and poverty.

They told us they could grant peace between us.

In the end, they brought nothing but war, bloodshed and tears.

They built us up to be their slaves, their _puppets_ , to do their bidding at their whim.

Everything they told us were lies and we fed into it, believed them, because we wanted so badly to believe.

We were weak.

Now we are strong.

Now we fight.

Or we die.


	2. Walking Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by: [Dead or Alive](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-eTRweQHtU&list=FLnR98JEuqMICVKN4PZmyuAw&index=28) by Taryn Southern.
> 
> Some of the lyrics make it through to the chapters to give more emphasis.

**2167**

The cold was slowly starting to seep into her bones. Her fingers were practically frozen solid as were her toes and her breath whirled around her head in white, shapeless clouds. She felt as if she were freezing to death, but she’d much rather be out in the snow and ice than inside her house listening to her mother’s sobs.

“They’re like goddamn concentration camps. I don’t fuckin’ blame her.”

She looked at her sister, frowning. “How do you know?”

“I fuckin’ hear things, A.” Jack paused, her large brown eyes running over Aislinn’s face for a moment. “You’ve heard the stories too, right?” For a moment Aislinn was taken aback by her sister’s sudden worried expression. Jack normally kept her emotions, other than anger, to herself but for her to slip up, well, that was unexpected.

Aislinn sighed as she wrapped her arms around her knees, playing with the frayed hems of her jeans. “You don’t think they’ll do that to us, though, do you?”

“Of course they will. As soon as we turn eighteen the Guardians’ll be knockin’ on our front fuckin’ door. And shit, our parents have to let us go, see, because it’s part of the law. We’ll never fuckin’ see ‘em again.”

“I don’t know about that. You really think the Creators won’t let us see mother ever again?”

Jack cast a dubious look her way, shrugging her shoulders. “I don’t fuckin’ know.”

Aislinn turned her head and looked out, watching as the snow fell onto the trees in the distance. “Mother should have let John go.”

At that revelation, Jack sat up straight and forced Aislinn to meet her eyes. “Wait, she fuckin’ said _no_?”

Aislinn nodded, her heart feeling heavy. Jack’s eyes left hers and she leaned back again.

“Well, shit. That’s not fuckin’ good at all.”

At this, Aislinn sighed and tightened her grip around her knees. “So say we all.”

 

* * *

 

**2168**

“Wait – Aislinn just fuckin’ slow down!” Jack cried angrily, reaching out and wrapping her hand around her sister’s forearm, jerking her around. “What the fuck?”

“You made me look like a _fool_ ,” Aislinn hissed, her eyes sparking in barely contained fury. Jack stared at her.

“ _Me_? What the hell did I fuckin’ do to make you look a goddamn fool? You did it to yourself!” Aislinn jerked her arm out of her sister’s grasp, her body starting to tingle with her biotics. _No, not now! s_ he thought frantically as her fingers gripped the strap on her bag so tightly her knuckles turned white, her nails dug into her palm so deeply she had bloody crescents. Her breath sped up and she tried to control her breathing.

“And how did _I_ turn myself into the laughing stock of all of Grissom?” Jack barked out a laugh, tossing her head back and stepping away.

“You’re not fuckin’ serious are you? If you are, I have to question your fuckin’ sanity.”

The scorching impulse to tear her sister’s head off was terrifying. Terrifying not because she had the impulse but because the thought alone caused a sickening warmth and flood of adrenaline to burst through her veins leaving her feeling light and free.

“As a matter of fact, yes I am ‘fuckin’ serious’! All I was doing was pointing out how the Creators have bettered our lives, how they’ve given us so much and we are – all of us – so ungrateful. But you,” she spat, and that did it; unable to control her anger any longer, she slammed her hand into Jack’s shoulder, blinking rapidly against the hot tears that burned the backs of her eyes, “ _had_ to make fun of me in front of the _entire_ school.” She felt as if her head were splitting open. Her brained burned, tore and shrieked at her as if there was a creature trying to claw itself out and dominate her. The more she fought, the stronger the creature became.

“Are you even listening to yourself?” Jack shouted, shaking Aislinn from her ghastly thoughts. She rolled her eyes, reaching up a shaking hand to loosen her bun. “Of course I am!"

“Are you sure? What you’re fuckin’ sayin’ is insane,” Jack whispered fiercely, steering her sister off to the side. Aislinn looked at her, her eyes going wide and she quickly looked around to make sure no one heard what Jack had said.

“That’s blasphemous!”

“It’s the truth, A! A year ago you hated the Creators and now – now you talk about them like they are the best fuckin’ thing ever.” Aislinn jerked her bag higher up onto her shoulder, her eyes scanning the crowd desperately. Jack was being unreasonable and if she was unwilling to listen, well - then she was done with her and that was her immediate thought before she mentally shook herself and was appalled at her line of thinking.

“I have grown up and I now understand them. Look at what they gave us, Jack! Spaceflight, natural biotics, and peace!” Aislinn dictated passionately. Jack gaped at her as if she had just morphed into Lucifer himself.

“Peace? Fuckin’ peace?” Angrily, Jack gripped her sister’s bicep, jerking her around and forcing her to watch the vidscreen. She pointed to the news. “Does _that_ , all of that death, look like goddamn peace?”

The vidscreen showed outrageous footage of a rebellion on some distant planet in the outskirts of the Creator’s realm that the galaxy cared little about. Aislinn tried to look away, but she watched, transfixed, as a small, blonde boy staggered out from behind a billowing stack of thick, obsidian smoke. His face was covered in burns, most of them second degree and a lot of them third. His shirt was torn to shreds and covered in blood of all colors as were his jeans. Sluggishly he raised his right arm where there was no hand to be found. Instead, he was holding it in his left.

Aislinn anxiously brushed her hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear nervously. She let out a breath and collected herself before replying, “What you’re implying--”

“I’m telling you the fuckin’ truth, you stupid cunt! Does that little boy look like he is bleeding glitter and goddamn rainbows? Jesus Christ A, what the fuck happened to you?”

“If the Old Ones and the Collectors hadn’t started fighting _against_ the Creators, that little boy wouldn’t be an innocent victim. If he’d come to Grissom then he’d have been able to protect himself! Jack when it comes down to it, what you’re saying is – is blasphemy,” she whispered savegly.

Jack stared at her. “No, what I’m saying is pure, cold, hard truth. You act like you _want_ to go to HBTP.” Suddenly, something clicked. Aislinn’s attitude changed. Her body tensed, her face shuttering out her emotions, her eyes glazing over and her voice went flat.

“It is our duty, our obligation, to serve the Creators. I will gladly go to the human biotic training program on Rannoch.” Again, her attitude changed. Her body loosened and she blinked, a look of confusion sliding over her face before she shook herself, her silver eyes focusing on her sister. “Jack, I have to get to the Citadel or I’ll be late for work. You know how Lady Benezia gets when I’m late.” She turned and walked off briskly, disappearing into the crowd.

Jack stood there, rooted to the spot, and was left wondering what was happening to her sister.

 

* * *

 

**2169**

The pounding of the sweltering water was a sweet release to her aching and weary muscles. She pressed the palms of her hands against the tiled wall and bent her head beneath the spray. She closed her eyes and breathed the humid air into her lungs, relishing in the heaviness. For once in a very long time she felt alive.

For a moment she was free and drifting on the warm, enveloping steam. Free from her racing thoughts, the tightness of her burning brain and the uncontrollable loss of her own consciousness.

Of course, now she was thinking about it all. It was painful; oh, so painful and heartbreaking.

She felt like a walker rising from the ash, trying to run but not lasting; doing things against its natural instincts. She was losing control of her mind. She couldn’t separate which thoughts were hers and which weren’t anymore. She was losing control of _herself._

She was scared, terrified more like, and she had no one to talk to. There was nothing anyone could do to fix it and she knew that, accepted it. She knew it was the Creators, but how could she tell anyone about it and not sound like a crazy person or worse, a traitor?

She was the walking dead, darkness racing through her mind and she was caught in the fire. She had to breathe in the flames, eat the bitter ash and suffer through to survive. _If_ she could survive, she thought bitterly.

She was either dead or alive, but couldn’t decide which. Not when she couldn’t _think_ , _feel_ or even _act_ for herself.

More often than not she thought about surrendering to the creature that had clawed deep, bruising marks into her grey matter that left her reeling and breathless.

Seething, she slammed her fist against the tiled wall and the dark energy slapped against the slickness, the resounding sound was like a firework going off. The tile split and spidered under her knuckles, cracking and moaning before falling to the floor, catching her toes.

“Shit!” she cried out, jumping back and slipping on the wet floor. She tried to catch herself, her hand reaching out and feebly grasping for the rail, but failed. In a surge of anger and bitterness, she let her biotics flow through her.

They slithered through her veins, searing their way into her bones, snaking their way up and scorched themselves into her epidermis. They burned her skin as the blue hue of her natural vanguard biotics visibly danced their way over her and shot out, tethering around the railing and jerking her upright as she screamed in pain.

She laid her forehead against the broken tile, panting and trying to catch her breath. Quietly she sobbed, banging her fist against the cool wall. She hated being so vulnerable, so easily ruled by instinct that those _monsters_ had ‘blessed’ them with.

She hated them with a passion so great it threatened to tear her asunder. Jack was right, so inevitably correct, but she couldn’t say that. She was barely able to admit it to herself.

The creature lifted its head to scent the air and smirked in amusement when it realized that she was more vulnerable than she had ever been.

“No,” she whispered, her fingers tangling in her hair and gripping it so tight that it brought tears to her eyes. “Not now, not ever. _Please_ ,” she begged.

Satisfied, the creature reached out its massive claws to dig into her skull, slicing her open and leaving her bloody and broken.

The last thing she remembered before she blacked out was the dark feeling that was rapidly spreading through her.

She’d lost control.

 

* * *

 

**2170**

“I’ll take that,” came a deep flanging voice from behind them as a three fingered taloned hand plucked the smoking cigarette out from between Jack’s long, slender fingers. If looks could kill, she would have killed him three times over.

Aislinn rolled her eyes, but spun around quickly. Cocking her hip and thrusting out her breasts, she batted her almost invisible lashes at the turian, her lips curling at the edges in a lascivious smile. “Instructor Kryik,” she said softly, reaching out a hand and running it over his carapace. “It’s free time. Surely we can,” she paused, stepping towards the turian who was regarding her with something akin to lust, “relieve stress in any way that suits us?”

He stood there for a moment, his mandibles twitching, as he looked at Aislinn. Carefully he wrapped a hand around her bicep, her smile deepening and her eyes promising things that should be illegal, and cast a look at her sister. “Jack, might I borrow your lovely sister for a while?”

Jack snorted, disgusted by both her sister and their instructor. “Only if I can have my fuckin’ cigarette back, asshole,” she sneered.

He tossed the mentioned object at her feet, steering Aislinn away.

As they turned the corner, Aislinn looked back over her shoulder and winked at her sister. Jack shook her head, lighting the smoke, inhaled a deep and satisfying amount of nicotine while thinking, _This is some fucked up shit._

* * *

 

**2171**

“You can’t take me on,” the dark haired girl called across the courtyard, smirking.

Aislinn tossed her head back, her lips pulled back at the edges in a dark smile, her eyes closed as she inhaled through her nose and shook out her long mane of fiery tendrils.

She relished in the searing surge of her biotics as they danced up and down her spine, coiled around her wrists and tightened at her ankles.

She dropped her head down until her chin was almost touching her chest, her silver eyes opening only to narrow and focus on her target. Not a single turian could break her focus.

She was ready and so was her target. “I’ll take you to hell myself,” she said as her lips pulled up at the corners in a smirk, her husky voice carrying across the courtyard to where Miranda stood, poised and ready to charge.

Their actions were instant and primally feral. They charged; their bodies surged forward and slammed into each other.

The swell of dark energy collided, undulated and erupted outwards. The sound was deafening, the noise analogous to a deep, angry rumble of thunder. The windows imploded, shrieking and shattering, the glass flying in all directions.

Aislinn crouched down, leaning over Miranda, and pressed her lips close to the girl’s ear, “Don’t _ever_ tell me what I _can’t_ do.”

 

* * *

 

**2172**

“Promise me you’ll take care of her,” her mother said, coming to stand beside Jack as they both looked out the window and watched Aislinn as she laughed, tossing her head back and hanging on two turian males, who gripped her waist possessively and were shooting daggers at the asari that was speaking to her.

Jack’s eyes fell away from the unnerving scene in front of her, suppressing a shudder at her sister, and swallowed. When had she become so different? When had she changed and become someone that Jack didn’t even recognize?

“You have to promise me, Jack.” Their mother pleaded.

“I don’t know if I can,” she whispered, closing her eyes before a tear could escape. “I don’t even know who she is anymore.”

“It’s the Creators.” Her mother's soothing tone confirmed.

“They’re not the--”

Immediately her mother pressed her hand against her mouth, shaking her head. “Don’t, Jack. They’re always listening; they know everything and see everything. You have to promise to protect her from herself, Jack.  You’re her sister, her _blood_ , and you’ll be going off with her to Rannoch. The Creators have seeded her and I don’t know if you can bring her back from that, but just know it’ll only get worse after your training has finished.”

“I’ve tried protecting her from herself,” Jack said softly, chancing a look out the window only to look away again.

“Try _harder_ ,” her mother whispered vehemently. “She can’t end up like your father.”

Jack started, her eyes searching her mother’s face. “I won’t let her. I promise you. I’ll do everything in my power to help her.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So now we have the introduction to the infamous Aislinn. :-)
> 
> I could not be doing this without the tremendous help of mournfulbliss and KabiViolet, they are amazing. 
> 
> I really hope that you enjoyed it and that you continue to look for future chapters! :-)


	3. Operation Eleutheria

Bright green avian eyes met blue human ones before sliding back to the screen, the turian’s mandibles twitching with barely contained anger.

“She’s strong,” Harper said, lighting a cigarette and taking a long inhalation of the poisonous smoke. His eyes darted across the vidscreens in front of him, his lips turning down in a small frown.

“I know that, sir, but--”

“But nothing,” Hackett cut off the turian, leaning forward and resting his hands on the desk in front of him as he too watched the vidscreens. “There. Rewind and hold at point three five.”

“You did well, Agent,” Anderson praised the turian, slapping his back while pointedly ignoring the flutter of irritation in the turian’s mandibles.

“See that?” Hackett questioned, pointing to the frozen image of the girl whose lips were curled into a feral snarl, her body primed and ready to Charge at her enemy. “That is what we need on our side if we’re going to be able to have a fighting chance against the Creators, as they call themselves.”

The turian shook his head, clenching his mandibles tight against his jaw. “Why didn’t we bring her here and train her? Look at her,” he paused, fast forwarding the vid, “here. I don’t know if we can bring her back from what they’ve done to her.”

Anderson and Hackett shared a brief look with Harper before their eyes followed the turian’s finger that was pointed at the frozen girl on the screen.

Her rose-colored lips were pulled up at the edge into an ominous smirk. Her electric bright, silver eyes narrowed as her glowing fist sliced through the human’s torso in front of her; the back of her hand coming out of his back. Clean, precise, and surgical. Minimal blood and tissue exposed. She was a deadly weapon, honed to perfection by the Creators. The thought disgusted him.

Harper looked away from the chilling image, tapping his cigarette on the ashtray and said, “Stick to the plan. Operation Eleutheria commences tomorrow at 0600. Make sure the team is ready.”

 

* * *

 

“Target sighted, General. On your mark,” Quentius’ voice crackled quietly over the coms.

“Hold, my mark.” He flipped his sights on, closing his left eye. “Mark. Visual?”

“Two o’clock, sir.”

“Roger.”

From this distance she didn’t look dangerous. In fact, she looked small and fragile despite the dozens of data pads that had been tossed his way about _exactly_ how dangerous she truly was and not to mention the time he’d been cornered by her which just about cost him his life. Her perfectly shaped brows softened the harshness of the charcoal colored eye makeup. As if sensing his thoughts, she looked up, her eyes meeting his crystal blue ones in the scope and for a moment he was worried, his finger automatically readying the trigger.

“ _That_ is the target?” Alenko asked, startling him out of his reverie, dropping into prone beside him and letting out a soft whistle. “Not bad. At all.”

“She can also rip your head off before you blink,” Williams quipped casually, casting a smirk his way.

“Marching battalion of Guardians, 500 meters at your ten. Hold position. I repeat, _hold position_ ,” Victus’ deep rumbling voice, low and frantic, came over the coms.

“Cloaking, my mark,” he said, lifting his hand high enough for his unit to see the hand signals. _Hold_. _Three, two, one. Mark_.

"You think she saw us?" Williams whispered, shifting to the side of him.

"If she did, you'd all be fuckin' dead." He glanced towards the sound of the voice.

"Not you though." It wasn't a question, not directly, but more a statement of hard fact.

"No," she responded, after a moment of hesitation, and to be honest her revelation shocked him. She blew out a breath, moving into a more comfortable position. "I'd be dead too."

"But you're--" Alenko started to question but was quickly cut off.

"Doesn't matter. The moment she finds out I'm with Cerberus is the same goddamn moment I cease to be anything other than her fuckin’ enemy."

"That's pretty fucked up. Isn't it, Skipper?"

"It is," he agreed. "But that's what they do to you and that's what they've done to her."

"Don't tell me you feel sorry for her, Vakarian," Sparatus spat angrily. "You've been hunting that soulless bitch for over a year."

"Things change when you know all the details. You'd be better to remember that, _Lieutenant_ General," he said, irritation creeping at the edges of his voice as he tried to reign in his thrumming sub-harmonics, which were bleeding borderline fury at Sparatus’ blatant insubordination.

“They’ve done more to her than you can ever fuckin’ imagine, turian. She doesn’t feel anything. She doesn’t think for herself, she can’t because it’s physically fuckin’ painful for her. If she has a memory, even a sliver of one, they pick her up, cart her off to some baren fuckin’ planet and ‘fix’ her, because, you know, being fuckin’ human is a goddamn fuckin’ crime. Fuckin’ heartless bastards,” she heaved out, sucking in an angry breath.

He took a chance at looking at her and immediately regretted it. He’d never seen such raw emotional agony displayed so openly. He believed her when she said that he couldn’t imagine, but he also couldn’t even begin to fathom how painful it would be to watch your loved ones ripped from you and twisted into a feelingless being that only did as it was commanded.

“Did you train together?” He felt the words fall from his lips before he had a chance to think about what it was he was asking.

She paused, her brow knitting and her fingers sliding over the barrel of her shotgun, before sighing. “No. Vanguards aren’t allowed to go through training with anyone. You’re forced to be alone and you’re not allowed any type of fuckin’ communication at all. It makes sense, why they do it, but once you get to HBTP you’re separated into groups by class of biotics. After, we, vanguards I mean, are separated according to ‘biotic capability and strength’,” she quoted using her index and middle fingers while rolling her eyes, “and then from there each of us is taken to our own room, basically a metal fuckin’ box, for seven days to listen to the same, annoying, goddamn phrase with no food or water. I guess it’s their way of breaking down the mind. If it doesn’t work, then the training alone will fuckin’ break you and turn you into,” she gestured towards the silver-like-steel eyed woman not even a thousand meters from their position, “ _that_. Something that was human and now is anything but.”

As she talked, the squad grew solemn as the weight of what she said settled over them like dust after a devastating storm.

“What was the phrase?”

“Doesn’t fuckin’ matter.” She stood up, dusting off her ass and looked down at where Vakarian was still lying in prone. He met her gaze, his mandibles fluttering against his jaw.

“You sure you can do this?”

Her gaze turned heated as she fingered her shotgun, her eyes narrowing. “Don’t ever fuckin’ question me about this again. You’re fuckin’ lucky I’m on your side. I don’t have a soft spot for turians like she does - did, whatever. Maybe that’s why your fuckin’ scaly ass is still alive, Vakarian,” she paused, her brown eyes turning gold as her body began humming with her biotics and she searched out her sister, letting her gaze soften for the briefest of moments before shaking herself and looking back towards him. “As long as your lackies are ready to go on the Citadel then it’s fuckin’ show time, Scars.”

He felt Williams shift beside him and his mandibles fluttered in irritation at both Williams’ possessiveness, which was yet another issue altogether, and the vanguard’s use of “Scars”, which he hated, considering it was the target who had given him those scars to which the biotic referred. He’d tangled with the silver eyed vanguard before and he was not looking forward to doing it again if this mission went fubar.

“They’ll be ready,” he barked out, barely containing his sudden surge of anger.

She winked at him, her body priming to Charge. “Show time.”

 

* * *

 

Harper was there to meet them as soon as they touched down in the shuttle. He was radiating anger, but Garrus could hardly be bothered to care as he carried the limp form from the shuttle to the entrance of their underground facility.

“How is she?” he asked curtly, his eyes dancing over her sleeping face.

“Alive.”

Harper nodded, tenderly brushing the hair out of her eyes. Tender, a word he wouldn’t normally have associated with the older human male. “You know where to take her. I want to discuss what happened in exactly one hour. Meet me in the debriefing room.” Quickly he turned and stalked off, leaving Garrus standing there awkwardly with the vanguard in his arms.

“Alenko,” Garrus barked, turning to find the human sentinel. Kaidan looked up from the weapons crate, dropping the Carnifex and cranking out a crisp salute.

“Sir?”

“Take the sister to see,” his blue eyes caught the brown ones of the other vanguard, giving a brief nod in her direction, “Asim. They’ll have a lot to talk about.” Again, Kaidan gave him a quick, clean salute and steered the vanguard away, looking back over his shoulder towards the deceptively peaceful looking human in Garrus’ arms.

Garrus looked down at the copper headed woman in his arms and sighed. Turning towards the hatch and waiting for it to scan his retinas, he had a feeling that she wasn’t going to be very easy to deal with.

 

* * *

 

“What exactly happened out there, Vakarian?” Hackett asked, rounding on him angrily as soon as the door slid open to grant him entrance. “It was supposed to be quick and no weapons, under any circumstances, were supposed to be discharged. Those were your orders and you disobeyed them. What the _hell_ were you thinking?”

He opened his mouth to defend himself, but was unable to utter even a word before Harper cut in, saying, “Do you have any idea what could happen to us because of the stunt that was pulled on Thessia?” His blue eyes raked over Garrus’ face, who was staring straight ahead, looking for a visible answer and after a moment he shook his head. “Of course you don’t.”

“It’s not his fault,” Anderson replied sharply, looking up from the console. His ebony brows were drawn over his charcoal colored eyes, anger sparking in them, which surprised Garrus. “We hadn’t anticipated that Guardians would be there with her. It boils down to deliberate faulty intel and we all know who supplied us such intel.”

A muscle began a quick ticking in Harper’s jaw when he pursed his lips together in a quiet fury. His blue eyes flashed, his hand at his side curled into a fist. “Send Vega and Wrex to bring him in,” he murmured softly, too softly.

Garrus might be a lot of things, but stupid was not one of them.  He didn’t dare open his mouth to ask who the informant was for fear of being on the end of Harper’s wrath. He’d seen his wrath before, though never directed at him, and it was nightmarish.

_“You afraid of anything, Vakarian?” Alenko had asked him as they sat in the armory cleaning their weapons after a particularly difficult mission. Difficult being a term he used liberally, considering nothing could ever compare to being caught in a one-on-one battle with Shepard._

_He paused, the greasy rag hanging limply between his fingers, and gave a leveled look towards Alenko. “Why do you ask?”_

_The sentinel lifted his shoulders and brought them back down in a slow shrug, the corners of his lips pulling down. “I don’t know. Most wouldn’t admit to being afraid of anything, but I’m not like most. I’m afraid of the Creators. I’m afraid of vanguards. I’m afraid that the next fight might be my last.”_

_“I think everyone is afraid that their next fight will be their last. That comes with being a soldier, no matter the class or species.”_

_“I guess.” Alenko looked at him, curiosity lighting his caramel eyes. “Who are you more afraid of? Shepard or Harper?”_

_To be honest he’d never really given it much thought before as there was no need. He and Harper knew where they stood with each other. They didn’t exactly like each other, but they respected one another, which sometimes meant more than personal feelings in a military setting. “I’m not sure,” he responded, hoping to be finished with the subject but Alenko would have none of it._

_“Humor me. Would you really want to be caught in a fight with Harper or would you rather it be Shepard? Hands down, I’d rather go toe-to-toe with Harper. I see what Shepard did to your face.”_

_Garrus unconsciously raised his hand to rub the mentioned side of his face. His blunted talons carefully traced the jagged lines of the scars over his cheek plate, down his jaw, across his mandible and back down his neck. The memory of it caused a surge of bitterness laced with hatred and deep respect. He also remembered that was the only time he’d ever been genuinely_ \- desperately - _terrified of anyone or anything before in the entirety of his life. That was the first and last time he’d ever faced off, almost quite literally, with a vanguard and he never wished to do it again._

_He dragged himself away from the haunting memory, dropped his shaking hand and picked up his abandoned rag. “If I had to choose, I’d choose Harper, too.”_

He was torn from his thoughts as Harper quickly strode past him, his composure rapidly crumbling away at the edges as he tried to contain the storm that was swirling inside him. He paused, however, at the door. His fierce cobalt eyes looked up at Garrus. “When he gets here, I want T’Loak to deal with him. Understood?” Garrus nodded, bringing his hand up to salute but Harper was gone before he could even get his fingers locked together.

Hackett picked up his mug and tossed it across the room before spinning around and raking his fingers through his hair cursing. Anderson glanced at Garrus and nodded, “Dismissed.”

He broke out a quick salute and headed out the door towards his room. As soon as he turned the corner he leaned his back against the wall, heaving out a sigh and grasped his armor around his cowl as if he could loosen it.

His hands dropped and he closed his eyes, replaying the events of what happened over again in his mind as if he could change them.

“Garrus?” Ashley was standing in front of him, clad in nothing but a towel that clung to her damp skin in all the right places. Her long hair, darkened by the water, curled around her hardened nipples seductively. He tamped down the swell of desire pooling low and hot in his abdomen, forcing his plates to stay closed. She reached out a slender, tanned hand to press it against his arm, her head tilted to the side curiously. “How’d the debrief go?”

Jerking her by the hand, he slammed his fist against the panel. The door had barely slid open and he was pulling her inside, lifting her up and settling her on the desk. “Goddammit, Ash,” he murmured hotly against her skin, his tongue playing havoc with the spot on her collarbone as she made quick work of his codpiece.

Her hand delved into his undersuit and her slim fingers pressed against the seam of his plates to coax his cock out.

He leaned her back, pealing the towel off her body, and laved at her dusky nipples, bringing a hardened bud into his mouth as she pulled his cock out, giving two quick strokes and leading him towards her center.

He slid into her, buried to the hilt. His talons dug into her hips as he thrust in and out of her, watching her breasts bounce with the movement. Her hand delved between them, her finger rubbing in quick circles around her clit as she called out his name, her voice low and husky. “Fuck, Garrus,” she groaned, leaning forwards slightly to watch as his cock slid in and out of her. She loved it when he fucked her with his armor on. “I-I’m so close.”

She was so hot and _wet_ for him. It was driving him insane. He ground out her name, jerking her hips upwards and slammed into her, trying to go as deep as her tight cunt would allow his cock. He knew the signs of her orgasm, they’d fucked enough times, and he leaned forward to brush his lips over her pulse point. She cried out, wrapping her fingers around his fringe and jerked his head up so she could kiss him as she came.

The muscles in her cunt flexed and spasmed around him, as her tongue danced in his mouth. He pulled his mouth away to bury his face in her neck, riding out his own orgasm as her cunt milked his cock.

Quietly he pulled away and bent over to pick up her discarded towel. He handed it to her, avoiding her eyes and began to fix his armor.

Ever since their relationship ended, this was the way things were between them. Slight conversation and sex. They’d agreed on a purely physical relationship to ease stress and tension while maintaining their friendship.  

As she turned to leave he stopped her by saying, “Ashley?” She looked over her shoulder at him, a small smile on her lips. “Don’t touch me like that again when we’re in the field. I don’t belong to you.”

She held her towel up with her left hand as she gave him a mock a salute, her smile widening as she said, “Roger, General Vakarian.”  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We really hope you enjoyed it! Please leave comments letting us know what you think. :-)


	4. Creeping in Corridors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by: [Heavy In Your Arms](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_eOmvM-4zc&list=FLnR98JEuqMICVKN4PZmyuAw) by Florence + the Machine
> 
> Some of the lyrics make it through to the chapters to give more emphasis.

Even through the sound proofed room she could hear the screams that were being viciously ripped from her sister’s throat, as if watching wasn’t bad enough already.

“Jesus,” she said, her hands curling into tight fists by her sides. “Don’t you think she’s fuckin’ had enough already, asshole?”

“Do _you_ , Jack?” Harper countered, turning his head to look at her with an arched brow. She opened her mouth to speak, but at the last minute snapped it closed. He smirked, turning his attention back to the writhing red head. “So I thought.”

Minutes that felt like hours crept by and Aislinn's screaming progressively rose in decibels until Jack was shaking with fury.

In an animalistic rage Jack slammed Harper against the two-way mirror, her lips pulled back against her teeth as she snarled, "That's _enough_! Fuckin' stop or I'll tear your ass apart so fast your fuckin' buddies won't know what happened, you piece of shit!"

His men moved to handle the situation but at his raised hand they fell back. He cut the man at the controls a look and instantly Shepard's screams died down into sobs that wracked her slender frame.

Jack released her hold on him and quickly turned towards the door that led into where Aislinn was being kept.

He watched as Shepard's eyes, pupils dilated, turned towards her sister, a sardonic smile gracing his features.

"This might break her for good," Hackett commented quietly as he went to stand next to Harper.

"I'm counting on it."

 

* * *

 

"Traitor," she hissed, twisting her bloodied wrists against the metal that held her down and trying to turn her head as far as it would go to look at her sister. "Always the traitor, Jack. Though this,” she huffed out with a bitter laugh, “this takes the cake."

"Aislinn, please. Let me help you," Jack begged. She dragged a metal chair across the floor and positioned it in front of her sister.

"Always weak, never strong," the red head taunted in a sing song voice, a smile overtaking her soft features.

"Listen to me--"

"No! You listen!" Aislinn shouted, her face contorting into rage bordering on murderous, her silver eyes flashing hotly. "You drag me to Cerberus, help them fill me with drugs, watch as they torture me, and you have the audacity to act as if this hurts _you_? You betrayed me to the enemy. Partners don't do that; they are supposed to have each other’s six, but it doesn’t matter now. I _will_ kill you. No matter what."

"The Creators killed mother. The ones you fuckin' love so goddamn much murdered her."

"Lies. Always lies. You never can stop, can you?" Her face contorted, her mouth opening in a silent scream, tears streaming down her face but it only lasted a second and then she was laughing, deep and throaty as if nothing had happened. Jack stared at her, breathing in deeply through her nose and blinking back the searing tears pooling at the corners of her eyes.

Shepard's back arched off the table in a grotesque bend before slamming back down, a trail of wine colored blood dripping from the back of her neck when she turned her head, matting her hair into thick clumps. She screamed, thrashing her legs against the hard steel beneath her.

"It burns! My brain," she panted, "is on fire! Make it stop, make it stop!" She let loose a blood curdling scream that instantly froze Jack's insides.

The door burst open with men in white coats spilling in. Hackett lifted Jack from the chair as she screamed at them. "What's wrong with her?! No!" She tried digging her nails into the wall when he pulled at her. He lifted her up and swung her over his shoulder, ignoring the sobs coming from her throat and her hands pounding against his back.

"You can't help her right now," he said as the door slid shut and locked behind them.

"What's wrong with her? What are they doing to her?" she cried, trying to look over his shoulder through the mirror despite it being darkened. She looked back at him, her eyes wide with worry for her sister. "What did you do to her?"

"We did nothing. They - the Creators - are trying to locate her through her amp and when we shocked her," he paused, taking in a deep shaky breath and raking a hand through his short, dark greying hair, "it overloaded trying to compensate for the signal they sent out to ping her location. We cut it before they had a chance to narrow it down."

Jack stared at him, her mouth open slightly, and tried to control her biotics that were thrumming through her. Her eyes narrowed, turning golden as her biotics pulsed around her hands. "We don't have amps. We're natural goddamn biotics."

His eyes roved her face for a moment. "You don't remember?" he asked softly. His tone was so quiet she almost missed it.

"And just what the fuck am I supposed to fuckin' remember?"

"Every vanguard that goes through HBTP is outfitted with an amp to increase biotic power and cybernetics to make you faster, stronger, and more agile. You're strong, Jack, but if you can't remember that..." He trailed off and turned towards the darkened two-way mirror. When he turned back she pressed her fingers against her temples before dropping her hands to lay her palms against her stomach, her breath leaving her as the realization of his words made impact on her like an asteroid slamming into Mars and shattering into a million tiny pieces.

"Then what else don't I remember?"

 

* * *

 

His head whipped to the side as Aria's blue hand made contact with his cheek. He spit a combination of saliva and blood onto the floor, gritting his teeth against the pain. He wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

"You thought you were smart," she whispered against his ear. "Trying to play us. But," she laughed as she pulled away and turned towards the table of instruments towards her left, "not smart enough. At least Lawson managed to slip through our fingers but not you. Why is that?"

Slowly she picked up the curved blade, twirling it in her hands. When he didn't respond, she pressed it against his bare chest. Carefully she drew the tip down his sternum, a faint line in its wake, before resting it against his quivering abdomen.

"I mean, with all of your expertise, you were the last one we thought we'd catch. You're like a slippery fish. Fast but still dumb enough to follow the lure." Without removing the blade from its position, she crouched until she was at eye level with him. "This can all be over if you would just cooperate and give us the intel we need, Krios."

"Go to hell," he hissed before spitting in her face.

" _Not_ the answer I was looking for."

 

* * *

 

Liara turned towards the quiet knocking, a smile gracing her painted blue lips at the corners, making her way to the door. It never mattered how many times she told him he didn’t have to knock; he always did. It was oddly comforting and heartwarming.

“You don’t have to knock,” she teased, smiling warmly at him as the door opened. He arched a brow plate at her, flicking his mandible outwards in a smile.

“It’s polite,” he answered, stepping inside and reaching for her hand. “This apartment isn’t mine, now is it?” She shook her head, giving a soft laugh and twined her fingers with his.

“It can be.”

“Now that’s quite the offer. Is a young asari maiden ready to settle down with an old turian bachelor like myself?”

“Just kiss me already, you old man,” she whispered, leaning up on her toes to meet him halfway. She sighed into him when his plated lips touched hers, her fingers curled into his tunic. She pulled back, smiling at the soft groan that left his throat and looked up at him. “I was worried about you.”

His eyes narrowed, his head tilting to the side. “Why were you worried?” She scoffed and rolled her eyes, turning away from him.

“Really? As if the whole Underground didn’t know what you were doing,” she sighed angrily, spinning when he touched her arm in concern. “Kidnapping Shepard? You can’t possibly think those were good orders, Adrien.”

His mandibles pulled close to his jaw in an effort to keep his emotions in check as he stared at her. Adrien Victus was a lot of things, but he was not a bad a turian. “You’re telling me that I should have _disobeyed_?”

"No, never," she amended quickly, laying her hand on his arm. "I-I just... I could have lost you. Every day that we see Garrus is a vicious reminder of the brutality she's capable of. I couldn't stand it if you got hurt,” she paused, drawing in a shaky breath, “or worse."

He sighed and pulled her against him, tucking her face against his neck and lightly trailed his fingers over her back. "Oh, dragostea mea, don’t waste your time worrying about me. I might play fast and loose with strategy, but I only go so far. I respect Vakarian. I trust him implicitly and vice versa. Neither he nor I would ever do anything to put each other in harm’s way, so when we’re ground side, always know that I _will_ be coming back.”

Tilting her face up, he pressed his forehead against hers to try and convey just how much her words meant to him. He'd been bonded before, even had a son, but he'd never loved his bondmate the way he loved the woman in his arms now.

To say that he'd never loved Adriana would have been a lie, but it was not a bond out of love. It was of mere convenience, a strategic move. They were both highly intelligent, believed in the same ideals, and fought with everything in their bones. It was a good match. When Tarquin turned fifteen Adi had passed away, suddenly and violently. He was unprepared for the insurmountable feeling of loss, but it faded quickly.

Not long after his son was sent off to training, Cerberus came knocking on his door. He’d been deliberate in his decision making. Turning traitor to everything was not something to be taken lightly and Hackett had been understanding, more understanding than most gave him credit for, but to speed his decision he’d brought in Garrus, who’d sugar coated nothing and spoke directly. He’d liked that.

_“Look, Victus,” the blue marked turian said, flipping his chair around, splaying his arms across the back and sat down.  “You can sit here wallowing and doing nothing or you can actually fight and do something useful. We need more bodies. There is only so much we can do, but you know others who can be useful allies. I’m offering you a chance to be a part of something, to change history, and it’s up to you.”_

_“What about my son?” The blue marked turian met his gaze with a level stare before blinking and sharing a look with the human._

_“He’ll be taken care of, rest assured. You’ll have your own apartment to do with as you see fit, you’ll have no restrictions on communication but under no circumstances can you tell him, until you feel he is trustworthy, what you do or who you work for. The choice is yours.”_

Liara's arms wrapping around his waist pulled him from his reverie. “I know. I’m sorry,” she murmured, pressing her cheek against his shoulder.

They stood like that for a few minutes until he remembered the reason that he was there. “Any luck with your own mission?”

She sighed, puffing out air, and shook her head, stepping out of his embrace. “Not as much as I’d like. It’s much more time consuming and frustrating then I care to admit.”

He followed her into the kitchen, sitting down at the bar and poured himself a drink of brandy. "Have you found anything at all?"

She opened the cabinet and paused for a brief moment. "I found a lead. It's small," she said, grabbing a glass and setting it down on the counter, "but it is something.”

“What kind of something?”

“For starters, I think the Collectors can travel between galaxies via FTL." He gave her a dubious look. She sighed and sat across from him, pulling up her omni-tool. "I know how it sounds, trust me, but we knows others can do it."

"How did you find out about this lead?"

"How do you think?" she asked, raising an arched brow before turning her eyes back to her omni-tool.

"You think it wise to send them?"

"It wasn't my decision to make," she answered flippantly, as if the answer should have been obvious. "Since you asked though, yes I do. They can infiltrate where we can't and it's proved useful so far."

For a moment he sat there, staring at the amber liquid swirling in his glass and contemplating what she'd shared with him. "Let's say that what you've discovered is true. Perhaps they have mastered FTL in ways we can't. Where did they get the technology? Someone had to give it to them and I don't think the Creators would be very forthcoming with that information."

"Not the Creators, no. The Old Ones perhaps," she murmured quietly. She sighed, took a sip of her wine and continued to gaze at her omni-tool. Her painted brows suddenly drew down over her cobalt eyes. "Maybe I've been looking at this all wrong. What if they built a mass relay to another galaxy?"

"How would they hide a relay? I'm not saying you're wrong, but we're missing something. Where are the infiltrators?"

"Perseus Veil. That's why they were sent and not Tali or Kasumi." She sighed and rubbed her eyes, letting out a soft moan. "Either way, I've already filed my report - including my loose hypothesis - to the Generals. We'll see what happens."

He reached across the table to link their fingers together, giving her hand a squeeze. "I love you," he said softly. She smiled at him and stood. She made her way around the bar and went to stand between his legs, running her free hand across his cheek and down his mandible.

"And I love you." She leaned forward to press her lips against his but his omni-tool pinged. She sighed, resting her hands on his shoulders. "Who is it this time?"

He glanced down. Interesting. "Garrus. It's important."

"Will you be back tonight?" He smiled and nodded. He stood up and made his way to the door but her sudden look of illness stopped him.

"You should take it easy. You'll figure it out, love."

She laughed and shook her head. "That's not what it is."

He gave her a curious look. She arched a brow at him and pressed her hand against her belly with a smile.

 

* * *

 

Quietly he opened the door, glancing over his shoulder to guarantee no one had seen him. When he was confident that he was alone he stepped inside, locking and encrypting the door behind him.

Thane lifted his head and tried to identify the intruder but it was too dark for his swollen eyes to make out anything specific.

"What did you tell them?"

Male. Turian. "What did one snowman say to the other snowman?" Thane asked suddenly. If it was a trap--

"Smells like carrots," the voice answered. Good, he wasn't Cerberus or at least he was a spy.

He knew that voice - he'd heard it before - but he couldn't place it. "Nothing," he croaked. He spit blood onto the floor and shifted to try and ease the pain.

"Are you absolutely certain?" After a moment he nodded and the turian seemed satisfied. The turian stepped closer, reaching out and gently lifting his face so he could look at him. "Who interrogated you?"

"I don't know. An asari," he said. The turian scoffed and stepped back, rummaging in his pockets for something.

"That could be anyone. This might sting, but it'll take the pain away," he muttered, pressing his cool fingers against Thane's eyes. The turian sighed. "I have to go. I'll try and get you out."

"Wait," Thane said, his throat burning. "What do I do if they come back?"

The turian, however, was already gone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know this is a day early, but only by a couple of hours. I ended up not posting a chapter last week due to Thanksgiving but expect regular updates! :-)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it!


	5. Never Ending Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by: [Wake Me Up](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5y_KJAg8bHI&list=FLnR98JEuqMICVKN4PZmyuAw) by Avicii.
> 
> Some of the lyrics make it through to the chapters to give more emphasis.

"What exactly am I supposed to do? Talk to her? Get her to open up? She's a psychopath!" Kaidan exclaimed heatedly.

Harper raised his brows at his outburst. "You do as you're told, when you're told. You do not, _ever _, question orders. Are we clear?"__

Kaidan's mouth snapped shut; the muscle ticking in his jaw was the only evidence of his underlying rage. "Crystal, sir."

Harper nodded and turned back to the data pad. "Now as I was saying," he continued though he cut a disapproving look in Kaidan's direction, "there are a few things you'll have to be aware of. If you will, Jack."

Jack was sitting in a chair, one leg straight out in front of her with her foot planted flat on the ground and the other was bent at the knee hanging over the arm of the seat. She heaved out a dramatic sigh and tossed a walnut in her mouth. "First off, don't trust her. No matter what she fuckin' says. She's been rewired to say whatever the fuck you want her to to make it that much easier to kill you. Second, she loves sex. It was a way to keep her biotics in check but eventually she lost control and now the rush of her biotics gives her a nice fuckin' high, she's addicted to them and sex. Third, don't ever get within arm’s reach. Luckily for you though, she'll be cuffed. That way you're not turned into hamburger."

Garrus sat in the corner of the room, one leg crossed over the other and observed the sister. The way she carried herself was the complete opposite of the underlying notes in her voice. Despite humans not having subharmonics, like himself, there were always two tones to the way they spoke.

She fumbled around with a small, white package before pulling out a cigarette, tucking it between her teeth and lighting it. The slight waver in her fingers was almost imperceptible, almost, but he saw it. It was one reason he was so damn good at his job.

"You're worried. Why?" he asked her, tilting his head in curiosity.

Her brown eyes turned towards him. For a moment he doubted she would answer or perhaps she would scoff and brush it off. "What makes you think I'm worried, Scars?"

"There is no thinking. I'm stating an obvious fact. You might as well tell us. We're trying to help her." Her eyes flashed and her lips tightened for a moment before Hackett placed a calming hand on her shoulder and she relaxed. Now _that_ was an interesting development and Garrus wasn't the only one who noticed.

"Worried isn't the word I'd use, Vakarian."

"Then what would you use?"

Blowing out air, she shifted. She leaned forward with her elbows on her knees and looked down at the floor. Her fingers linked together, her thumbs quickly brushing over her knuckles repeatedly.

"I don't know, but it's not worry. Not really, anyway. She's dangerous. I mean, am I fuckin' insane for being terrified of her? She's my fuckin' sister, my twin, my literal flesh and blood," she sighed and tightened her fingers. When she spoke again her voice was thick and deep. "I shouldn't have nightmares that revolve around her. Nightmares where I'm reliving the missions we've done. The image of her face when she kills haunts me, day in and day out, no matter what I do to try and stop it. You know what the worst part is?"

She looked up, her eyes sliding over each of them. "The worst part," she swallowed and cleared her throat, "is that she doesn't remember _how_ she kills. If she remembers the kills at all."

"What do you mean?" Alenko asked.

"Just the way it sounds. I don't know what exactly they did to her, hell I don't even know what all they've done to me, but she goes into - what seems like - a hypnotic state when she kills. It's not a quick death for them though. It's slow and painful, but clean. She can tear you in half with a Charge and there'd be no mess. You understand, don't you, Vakarian?"

Against his will his hand lifted. His fingers ghosted over the horrific ropey scars. He nodded slowly. He did know, more than he wanted to admit and even now he had a hard time remembering exactly what had happened.

_He spun around, his eyes frantically searching for her. He felt like a caged animal and she was the one with the whip._

_His blue eyes met her silver ones. She looked up at the sound of a shuttle. When her gaze met his again she was smiling._

_"You need back up, Vakarian? That's hardly a fair fight."_

_"I've got you this time, Shepard. No escaping now." She tilted her head back and released a deep, throaty laugh. The milky skin of her neck caught his attention for a brief moment before he shook himself. Now was_ not _the time for his xenophilia to surface._

_"Not today, I think," she said, once again looking at him, the silver gone completely and was replaced with a startling bright green that flashed with fury. He'd never seen them that color."You shouldn't have come after me. You should have known better, Vakarian! What the hell is wrong with you?"_

_Her anger gave him reason to pause. He stared at her; he had no idea how to respond to that. She seemed furious with the fact that he was there and dare he say it sounded as if it was out of concern for him?_

_She inhaled through her nose and closed her eyes. Her hand twitched by her side as the shuttle landed. He heard Williams and Alenko call out to him._

_When she opened her eyes they were once again pure silver, hard as ice and full to the brim with cold, unadulterated malice._

"Garrus? You still with us buddy?" Kaidan asked, concern etched into the lines of his face.

"Hm? Oh. Yeah, yeah I'm still here. Just... I know what she's talking about,” he answered, his eyes lifting to meet hers across the room in silent agreement. The corners of her lips pulled down. She looked as if she wanted to say something but decided not too and instead looked at Harper.

"So when does this happen?" she asked. "Soon?"

Harper shared a long look with Anderson and Hackett in quiet communication. His electric blue eyes narrowed slightly in a thoughtful expression just as Hackett once again rested his hand on Jack's shoulder, his long fingers curling over her collarbone and pressing against the hollow of her throat.

"Not so soon. I think we ought to give her another week in insolation before introducing her to any form of stimuli. Without her amp it will take time for her to adjust."

Hackett's hand tightened when Jack jerked, her eyes turning bright golden and her arms lighting in a blinding blue. "You took out her _amp_?" she snarled, not unlike a feral shatha.

Harper held up his hand to silence her. "We had to," he responded calmly. "They were relentless in their search for her and every time they sent out a ping it overheated. If we hadn't, it would have fried her brain. Would you have been okay with that?"

She shook her head back and forth rapidly, her eyes blinking furiously. The blue hue faded as she leaned forward rapidly, heaving in gulps of air. "I don't fuckin' understand," she sobbed, wrapping her arms around her waist. “Why her? Why is she so goddamn special to them? Why can't she just have a normal fuckin' life?"

Before Garrus had time to comprehend what was happening, Asim was bursting through the door and kneeling in front of her. "Oh meimei," he whispered against the top of her head, pressing his lips against her hair. He threw a furious look at Harper. "You should have come to me instead," he growled. He wrapped his hands around her biceps and lifted her with him. "Come with me, Jack."

She looked at him, her agony momentarily forgotten and was replaced with anger, as she jerked her arm out of his grasp. "Fuck you! After all this time you want to act as if nothing has fuckin' changed? Get the fuck away from me, _Asim_ ," she spat hatefully. "Have you even fuckin' seen her? Do you know anything about her? About me?" He stood there without answering, his arms limp at his sides. "That's what I thought. So don't fuckin' try and pull that 'I care about you' bullshit because I don't fuckin' buy it, just like I told you when we got here."

She turned towards Harper, her lips curling into a sneer. "I don't want to be fuckin' bothered by him again," she said. She leaned over to pick up her cigarettes up off the table. When she straightened she headed towards the door. "If you need anymore goddamn information send Hackett or Vakarian."

Alenko looked over at Harper who was attempting to drill holes into the back of Asim's head with biotics he didn't have. Without uttering a single word, Harper strode out of the room.

"Dammit," Asim said, turning around to face Garrus after the room had finally cleared. "Does she think I _wanted_ this? Doesn't she understand _why_ this was necessary or has no one told her?"

"I don't know."

"You didn't say anything to her like I _asked_?"

"I didn't exactly have time. Krios gave us faulty intel and the mission went south. Or did you not review the reports?" The human male scowled.

"I was a little more concerned with Aislinn," Asim snapped. He sighed and scratched his beard. "Fuck. I'm sorry. It's just hard, you know?" Garrus nodded. "Well, I need to get back."

He headed for the door. "You need to try and talk to her."

Asim looked at him over his shoulder. "Yeah, but not now. Too much pain and heartache on her end. Sometime soon though."  

With that, he left.

 

* * *

 

She looked over her shoulder at Hackett. “I want to be left alone with her,” she said quietly. Her chocolate eyes were wide and pleading. His heart skipped a beat. He nodded and turned to leave. “Hackett?” He turned back around to face her. “Thank you for doing this,” she said before the door opened to a darkened room and she slipped inside.

When she was sure he was gone and she’d checked the room for bugs or any type of surveillance she allowed herself to let her eyes rest on her sleeping sister’s form. From where she was standing she looked so damn peaceful.

Quietly she made her way to Aislinn’s bedside and sat in the chair to the left of her. Her hand tentatively reached out and stroked the back of her sister’s arm. Her skin was paler than usual, cooler to the touch. The freckles her sister had - the ones Jack had always envied - looked eerily dark against her milky white skin.

“Aislinn,” she whispered, leaning forward and pressing her lips against her sister’s hand, her own fingers squeezing the limp appendages. “You don’t know this, but I promised mother I’d protect you. I promised her that you’d be safe, that _I_ would keep you safe. I’ve failed. I’ve failed her. I’ve failed myself. But most of all,” she swallowed down the hard, tight lump in her throat, “most of all… I’ve failed _you_.”

She pressed her forehead against the hand wrapped in hers and breathed in gulps of air, her body shaking from the sobs that were flowing out of her. "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry Aislinn. I wasn't strong enough. I tried, oh I tried so goddamn hard, but you were already gone before I had a chance to stop it. I tried to keep you so close and watch over you and look for the signs but it was so subtle that I couldn't tell, couldn't decide if it was just you being an angsty fuckin' teen or if they were slipping into your head."

She swiped at the hot tears furiously. She was angry. Angry with herself. Angry with the Creators. Angry with her mother for not doing enough. Angry with her brother. Angry with the galaxy.

Angry at Aislinn.

“Why didn’t you try to fight it?” she whispered harshly, ripping her hand away. “Why didn’t you do anything about it? You could have fuckin’ come to me or gone to Lady Benezia or Nihlus! Why didn’t you fuckin’ do a goddamn thing about it? Why did you let this happen? Why, Aislinn, why?”

Her head fell into her hands, her fingers tangling in her hair, her eyes squeezed shut as she sobbed. “This is like some goddamn nightmare that I can never wake up from,” she gusted into the air, her body rocking back and forth. “Just let me wake up, _please_.”

She moved from the chair, still sobbing out her grief that she hadn’t allowed herself to feel in so long, and laid on the small bed with her sister. She rested her head on her shoulder, her arm wrapping around Aislinn’s too thin waist and holding her tight.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, her breath ruffling the long blood red waves of Aislinn’s hair. “I just miss you. I miss my fuckin’ twin sister.” She twined her fingers with her sister’s. “I love you and I’m not going to let anything else fuck with you. I trust Cerberus. Hell, mother trusted Cerberus. We’re going to make you better.” She pulled her sister’s medically sleep-induced form closer. “I promise. And this time," she whispered sleepily, “it'll be different."

 

* * *

 

He smiled, despite his sour mood, when the door opened and she was sitting in the chair, shoulders hunched forward, her mouth pulled down into a frown as she messed with some tech that he had no name for. “Is it giving you problems?” he asked, stepping towards her and pressing a kiss against her lavender colored skin.

“Very funny,” she mumbled though she tilted her head to give him better access to her cheek.

“Where’d you get that, anyway?” She sighed and pushed it away from her in irritation.

“Liara sent it over."

"Really? It must be from them then." Hurriedly he opened his console, tossing himself into the chair, and opened the blinking red message from Liara.

_2245 - 15.09.2183_

_Chief Director of Intelligence_

_Asim -_

_Employee 13050520 had a malfunction today (quite horrific indeed) in the hot labs at 1305. Do you have any more information on that?_

_Also, I have yet to receive order number 21-1807051420 that you said you sent over last week._

_Please do not forget this time!_

_Doctor Liara T’Soni - Chief Director of Archaeology_

He stood up quickly and hurried towards the door. Tali looked up from her work and shot him a confused look. “You just got home! Where are you going?”

“Liara found something.” Her eyes widened and a smile bloomed over her features.

“You’re positive?”

“Absolutely.”

“Could this be the break we’ve been looking for?”

He grinned at her. “It might be.”

 

* * *

 

"Did anyone follow you?" 

She looked at the figure hidden in the shadows. "No. I was careful."

"Excellent," he said, stepping forward and flaring his mandibles outwards in a smile. "What do you have for me?"

"They removed her amp and have relocated her to a secure facility." His hand lifted and he curled a loose tress of her hair around his talon, his brow plates arching.

"Which facility?" She swallowed and tried to hide her shaking hands by stuffing them into her pockets.

"I-I don't know." His hand paused at her neck, his long fingers wrapping around her neck loosely.

"What do you mean you don't _know_?"

"I was... denied access when I attempted to log in."

The silence seemed to stretch on for an eternity. The longer he stared at her the more nervous she became until she couldn't stand it any longer. "Say something, _please_."

"They know, or at the very least they suspect." Maybe it was her rapidly beating heart pumping too much blood, but she thought for a moment his fingers tightened around her throat.

"It could be anything," she responded quickly, desperately. "Perhaps the system was down for maintenance or it was a glitch. There are any number of possibilities."

His eyes softened, his free hand wrapping around her waist and pulling her towards him. He pressed his forehead against hers and she sighed against him. "I was worried for a minute."

His hands trailed up her back and over her shoulders. His left cradled the back of her head and his other held her chin. His grip tightened and her eyes flew open. "Saren! No, plea--"

"Goodbye Maya," he whispered. Her hands flew up to stop him but with a quick jerk he snapped her neck and her dead form fell to the ground with a dull thud. He sighed and looked down at her, shaking his head. "So hard to find good help these days," he said as he stepped over her body.

His omni-tool pinged and he opened it, his mandibles flaring in a wide, sardonic smile. "What do we have here?" he said quietly to himself. "You've done very well, Kryik. Very well, indeed."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're finally starting to get somewhere! Possibly. :-)
> 
> Anyway, I hope that you guys enjoyed it! I'm really excited to see what you think about it!


	6. Summertime Sadness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks, realizations and other goodies!
> 
> Inspired by: [Summertime Sadness](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdrL3QxjyVw&list=FLnR98JEuqMICVKN4PZmyuAw) by Lana Del Rey.
> 
> Some of the lyrics make it through to the chapters to give more emphasis.

She sat there on the bed, her back flush with the wall, her eyes dancing over his face. Her left leg was pulled up and her arm was draped over her knee, her fingers tapping out something he couldn't quite catch against her shin.

"Are you my keeper, Alenko?" she asked, disrupting the eerie silence. Her voice was startlingly pleasant, easy on the ears. Deep, husky and even sexy _if_ he were willing to admit it. She shifted, tucking her legs underneath her and resting her head against the wall. "I have to say I was expecting someone bigger. No offense."

"None taken," he lied. He was a rather large male himself, he thought. Standing at six foot three and being able to bench press three times his weight was impressive and nothing to laugh at. He didn't dare argue with her though. "Were you expecting someone in particular?"

"Particular?” A small smile played at the edges of her lips. “No. But I do know Vakarian's plates are itching to see me locked up first-hand. He knows I'm here, so why isn't he here to keep me in check?"

"His attention is otherwise engaged at the moment. I'm afraid you'll have to make do with me, Shepard." She sighed and shrugged her shoulders, the movement jerky and unnatural looking as if she rarely, if at all, shrugged.

"Tell me about yourself, Alenko. If I'm to be held in captivity I might as well get to know my captors."

He was certain she already knew about him, but decided to play along. He shifted into a more comfortable position. "What do you want to know? Military background?"

"Nothing so boring, Kaidan. I already know all of that," she said, smiling at him. "Loosen up a bit. You don't have to be so nervous. If I wanted to kill you, you'd be dead already." The way she said it sent a shiver up his spine. No hesitation, just a statement of truth, a cold hard fact and he believed her. It didn't help the shaking of his hands or staunch the sweat that was pooling on his lower back.

"Alright," he said. "How about this? I tell you something and you reciprocate. Sound fair?" She arched a surprised brow at him.

"You're very straight and to the point. No mind games to try and get me to talk?" He shook his head. Her silver eyes narrowed and he gripped the taser in his pocket, his heart thumping against his ribcage. After a moment she relaxed and looked away from him. "Instead, I'll tell you what I know and then you do the same."

"You want to play it that way? I'm game."

"Are you really, Kaidan?" she asked, her silver eyes flashing, a smile on her lips. He hesitated for a moment before nodding. Her smile widened. "Alright.” She settled back against the wall, closing her eyes and furrowing her brow. “You were born in Canada during one of the worst snowstorms it had seen in a century. You were the first sentinel out of a prestigious line of adepts and you managed - though barely - despite your family looking down on you.

“Your sister, a twin, is a vanguard. You envied her. Your family, father especially, doted on her and was very proud to have a vanguard in the family. Because of that, the way your parents praised her and pushed you away, you're emotionally scarred. You don't have many close relationships aside from friends and even then you hold them at arms length. You're longest relationship was when you were at Grissom with a young woman, another sentinel, named Rhana. There was an accident and she became critically injured. After six months on life support she died. Her family blamed you," she said softly.

Alenko clenched his hands and tried to control his breathing. No one knew that. She looked at him, her silver eyes large pools that were never ending. "They blamed you because you were right there when the asari pushed her off and you did nothing to stop it. But that's not true, is it? You did try to stop it, but you failed.

“After that you swore you'd hone your biotics and you did. You even managed to master Reave, no easy feat for a sentinel. After graduation from Grissom you went on to HBTP. You did well, very well actually. Not as well as your sister, but no sentinel or adept can compare to a vanguard.

“After your training you fell off the map, though not before you sought out the asari that killed your girlfriend. You murdered her, brutally, which is out of character for you. You took your time with her, savoring the kill. In your eyes she deserved it for two reasons. First and foremost she murdered the woman you loved, took away the one thing that ever truly cared about you, and the other reason was because she served the Creators faithfully which disgusted you. Now you're with Cerberus," she said quietly. Her eyes turned back to him, her elegant brows arching in a silent question.

He sat frozen in his seat and tried to calm himself and his rapidly beating heart. He swallowed, inhaling deeply through his nostrils. He forced his voice to work. "You just knew all of that off the top of your head?" he asked through gritted teeth.

She laughed, deep and rich, and tossed her head back. "I know everything about all of you. I know your deepest desires and your darkest secrets, Kaidan. I am very, _very_ good at what I do. Better than Vakarian even," she added as an afterthought. She shifted until she could lay down on her back, arms crossed over her abdomen, and smiled at him. "Now do me." She sounded almost excited, like this was a game and he was a feelingless man.

He wouldn't go so far as to say she was heartless. No, he always tried to see the good in people whether they were human or not. If Cerberus thought she could be brought back, then he did too. The woman, not the cold, calculating vanguard, was in there somewhere. Buried far below the surface, perhaps, but in there regardless.

He tried to calm himself and let her words go, but he couldn't. Not when she knew things no other being in the galaxy knew. "How did you know about Rhana?"

"Oh. The girl that was murdered?"

"Don't play coy, Shepard."

Again, she laughed, and again he had to quell the sudden surge of anger that swelled, hot and powerful, low in his stomach.

"For all your intel, you certainly are quite ignorant." When he didn't rise to her bait, she sighed dramatically and sat up, swinging her legs down onto the floor. Her silver eyes met his, holding his gaze. "Think about it Alenko. How do you _think_ we have all of this information about you?"

He sat there, his mind racing to try and find the answer. Suddenly it hit him and his eyes widened. "HBTP."

She leaned back again and smiled, her silver eyes lighting up. "Now we're getting somewhere."

 

* * *

 

_Her back was to him; her hair flowing in cascading waves and blowing in the wind. He reached out to touch her. As his fingers made contact, he was grabbing at air._

_"Why do you keep coming after me?" she whispered. Her lips brushed against his cheek, her body pressed hotly against his side._

_"No choice," he managed to get out of his dry throat._

_"You're going to get yourself killed," she said from behind him. The warmth of her body leaving his side rapidly. He whipped around, desperate to see her face. To see her_ eyes _._

_"You won't kill me."_

_Again her back was to him. She turned her head, his own eyes roved over the side of her face hungrily, and spoke in low tones. "_ I _won't, you're right._ She _will though."_

_"Look at me," he pleaded, a soft keen leaving his sub-harmonics. “Please.”_

_"Why? Why do this? What do you_ want _from me?" she all but begged, her voice thick. Carefully he walked towards her and stood behind her, his hands ghosting along her arms and sides. She sighed and turned to face him. He tilted her head up and his heart sang. Her eyes were green and swimming with unshed tears. "Garrus," she murmured, leaning up and pressing her soft human lips against his._

_She pulled back, tears leaving wet track marks against her pale skin. "This is the last time," he whispered, already knowing what she was going to say and his heart shattered when she gave him a soft, sad smile._

_"We won't remember. They'll know by now and they'll make us forget. It'll be okay." She pressed her lips against his once more._

_“We’ll find each other again?” he asked, pressing his forehead against hers._

_“Always,” she whispered, her hands cupping each side of his face. “I promise.”_

_He believed her._

 

* * *

 

"Is this information correct?"

Liara bristled, crossing her arms over her chest, and arched a brow at him. "Are you doubting what you are reading for yourself?"

He scrubbed a hand over his beard and let out a deep breath he didn't realize he was holding. His mind was reeling. If what this data pad said was, in fact, true then everything they had ever thought they had known was false. Perhaps not entirely false, but they had been farther from the truth then they had initially thought at least. “No, I’m not doubting them or their intel, but you have to admit that this is… you know, a lot to take in. They’ve been here the whole time, right under our damn noses, and we had no idea."

She took the data pad from his hands and motioned for him to follow her to her terminals. Her slender hand pointed to the screen, her blue eyes shining in barely contained excitement. He stared at the screen, hardly daring to believe the frozen image to be real.

There was no question about it, however. He was looking at a living, _breathing_ Collector.

The being was speaking to a human, the shoulders hunched in uneasiness and looking in the general direction of where the holo was taken.

"This was taken on Palaven?"

"Not even a mile from one of the Creator's bases."

"Daring. They must be getting desperate if they are coming out of hiding." Liara nodded.

"Intel says that they have deep, underground facilities. Similar to what we have actually." He turned away from the image to look over the scrolling information on her console.

"When are they coming back?" When she didn't answer, he turned his eyes on her. His heart thumped against his ribcage at the look on her face. "Liara, when are they coming back?"

"There has been a complication."

"What kind of complication and why wasn't I alerted to this immediately? As the director of intelligence you should have told me at once," he snapped angrily, throwing himself down onto her chair and typing furiously on the holographic keyboard.

"Harper said--"

He spun around in the chair, glaring up at her hotly, and slammed his fist onto the arm. "I don't give two shits what _Harper_ says. When I agreed to take this position it was decided upon that all intelligence of this magnitude came to _me_ first. So, again, what kind of complication?”

Without answering him directly, she brought up her omni-tool and played the distress message; Prostasia’s voice was frantic as Aegli tried to lower them as close to the ground as possible, the camera shaking.

_“We have been compromised. I repeat, we have been compromised. Creators have landed troops near our outpost. Must piggyback onto the Guardian network. Will be in contact soon. Prostasia and Aegli out.”_

“Fuck!” Asim cried savagely, swiping his arm across the desk. “God- _fucking_ -dammit!” Data pads went flying and clattered against the nearby wall, falling helplessly against the floor.

Liara laid a consoling hand on his shoulder, but he shook it off irately. He leapt out of the chair and focused his attention on the grey wall. “Do _we_ ,” he emphasized, his eyes blazing, ignoring her imploring gaze, “have _any_ intel on which network they piggybacked onto?” His eyes searched each of her terminals for any information that might have given him an inkling before dropping his auburn head into his hands.”When can we extract them?”

Her head dipped backwards, her exhale echoing through the room. “I don’t know.”

 

* * *

 

Thane looked up at the sound of a door opening. A turian with light blue markings was pulling a chair up, turning it around, and draping his arms across the back of it.

"Vakarian," the turian greeted him with a slight flicker of mandibles. Thane gazed at him with a look of boredom. Garrus raised a brow plate at him. "This is when you are supposed to introduce yourself in return. Common courtesy and all that, you know?"

Thane's lips twitched. "Krios," he responded, placing his hands in his lap, fingers overlapping across the backs of his green tinted hands.

"Pleasure to meet you," Vakarian said, tilting his head.

"To what do I owe this... pleasure, Vakarian?"

"I have a proposition for you, and to be frank, you don't have many options left. So it is in your best interest to cooperate,” he said, leaning back slightly. His large fingers curled over the back of the chair and Thane took note of the way Vakarian flexed his digits and talons, casually reminding him that he was larger, built to kill and he wasn’t above using violence but it was a last resort if Thane refused to cooperate. An admirable trait, especially for a turian.

“And what, exactly, are you proposing?”

Vakarian’s mandibles spread in an approximation of a small smile though it didn’t quite meet his eyes. “That’s the spirit!” he said happily, leaning forward and slapping a hand on Thane’s shoulder before tucking his hands under his arms in a relaxed stance. No longer threatening, but casual as though they were long time friends. “Now, we need some information that you’ve been, you know, not really forthcoming about, which isn’t okay necessarily, but we understand. However, in exchange for the information and your trust I would like to extend to you an invitation to join Cerberus.”

He blinked. This was not in the cards. He had never, in a million light years, imagined that they would want _him_ to join _them_. He’d expected to be killed whether or not they had gotten the information. Vakarian looked at him expectantly, the smile still in place, his body still in that relaxed pose. “And if I refuse? What happens then?”

Vakarian gave him a long look, his eyes narrowing only slightly before turning his eyes down and gazed at his fingers. Against his will, Thane’s eyes followed. Slowly, Vakarian pressed his talon against the leather of the seat. “I’d prefer that you think it over,” he said softly, his talon sinking into the hardened leather with ease, like an omni-blade slicing through a victim, “before making a decision.” He removed his talon, his eyes meeting Thane’s. “It’s entirely your decision, though. I can’t force you to give me the information.”

“Would this trust be one-sided? Would _I_ be able to trust _you_?”

“Of course,” the turian said without hesitation. “I give you my word.”

There were a lot worse things that could happen to him than turning traitor to the Creators, he thought bitterly.

He sighed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, please tell me you guys enjoyed this! :-) 
> 
> Things are starting to move forward, I promise. It's slow and we still have a ways but just bear with me! Shakarian goodness will happen.


	7. Aching Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aha! More goodies and information.
> 
> Inspired by: [Young and Beautiful](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_1aF54DO60&list=FLnR98JEuqMICVKN4PZmyuAw) by Lana Del Rey. 
> 
> Some of the lyrics make it through to the chapters to give more emphasis.

"She's pulling him in," Jack said as she watched the recording. "Fuckin' idiot is falling for it too. Jesus Christ."

Hackett looked away from the screen, focusing his blue eyes on her. "You don't think she's capable of feeling?"

She sighed and rubbed her forehead. "I don't know. Part of me hopes she can, but the realistic part knows better. You've seen what she's done, what do you think?"

His lips pressed together into a thin line, his head tilting as he contemplated her question. "I think," he said carefully, "that we have to try. For her sake and yours. Has she ever broken through before?" She turned startled brown eyes towards him. He grimaced and sighed. "Ah. I was hoping that she had."

He looked back at the screen. After a few moments of silence between them, she looked at him. "Does breaking through mean something?"

"Yes," he replied absently. "If she's managed to find her way to the surface then there is more than just hope, but if she hasn't... then, well, the chances are slimming by the minute."

Jack swallowed, a hot swell of emotion surging up and burning her, and stood quickly. "How long would she have had to been lucid for it to give us hope?" She took a deep breath to try and calm her suddenly rapid beating heart. He looked up at her, curiosity lighting his bright blue eyes.

"Not long. Anything is better than nothing in this case. Why?" Her mind was reeling. She pressed her palms against the desk to steady herself, letting her head fall forward and closed her eyes. Hackett stood and placed his hand on her shoulder softly, his long fingers folding ovet and resting on her collarbone. She looked at him, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "Jack, did she?"

"Once. It was a long time ago but I didn't think it would be important. It didn't last long. I thought she was toying with me, but," she paused, closing her soft, honey colored eyes, "I should have fuckin' known. Her eyes were green. Not silver-toned green or just flat, hard steel-like-silver. Bright goddamn green like the grass."

"Wait," he said, sifting through the recordings until he found what he was looking for. "Green like this?" He hit play.

_"I've got you this time, Shepard. No escaping now."_

_"Not today, I think." Her eyes flashed. "You shouldn't have come after me. You should have known better, Vakarian! What the hell is wrong with you?"_

Jack stared at the frozen image of her sister taken by Vakarian's visor. "When was this?" she croaked, her throat suddenly dry and aching.

"The day she gave him the scars he wears like a banner. More importantly, is that what you're talking about?"

She looked at him. “Yes. Exactly like that.”

“What did she say to you?”

She sighed and pushed away from the desk. “It doesn’t matter what she said to me. What matters is that she’s done it. Twice now. Maybe more,” she said quietly. She looked back at the screen, her brows drawing down over her dark eyes. “Why did she break through with Vakarian?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “Maybe we can figure it out in due time.”

“It - she - I didn’t understand what she was saying at the time. Like I said, I thought she was fuckin' with me when she acted like she didn’t know what I was talking about.”

“So she doesn’t have any memory of these conversations? Interesting,” he said softly, almost as if he was talking to himself, his eyes shifting back towards the screen.

“I should have known. How could I _not_ know that I was talking to my sister, not the vanguard?” He grasped her hand and squeezed, forcing her eyes to meet his.

“You couldn’t have known, Jack. You can’t trust her and no one will blame you for not knowing. I hardly doubt even if Vakarian understands what happened. But what did she say to you?”

She sat down in the chair. “We were on a mission and headed for Palaven…”

 _The shuttle bounced as a rocket grazed the side which was closely followed by an explosion, jostling them into each other. “Can you keep it_ straight _, Cortez?” Aislinn asked mockingly with a giggle. “Oh, right. I’m sorry. You don’t do anything_ straight _do you?” Jack didn’t miss the way Cortez’ hands twitched towards his sidearm. Jack almost helped him finish the job. “Jesus, you’d think he’d never placed us in the middle of a battle before.”_

_“Take it easy on him,” she said, looking out of the window and down towards the silvery planet. She felt bad for Cortez. Not even a week ago he’d lost contact with his husband Robert and she thought he was doing a damn good job holding his shit together._

_“Why should I? He is supposed to be one of the best, but I guess not everyone can be as perfect as myself.” Jack rolled her eyes. Typical bullshit._

_“Whatever. I’m so sick and fuckin’ tired of this. He’s about the fiftieth goddamn shuttle pilot because you’re never fuckin’ satisfied. If you want, next time you can fuckin’ drive.”_

_“Maybe I will,” Aislinn said with a smile and an arched brow, ignoring Jack’s outburst._

_Jack crossed her arms over her chest, extending her legs outward, and sighed. Hoity-toity bitch._

_“Jack?” She ignored her sister. She was probably trying to bait her into yet another argument and she wanted no part of it. She just wanted to land, do her fuckin’ job, and leave. “Jack, look at me. Please.”_

_She turned a bored look on her sister who was gazing back at her with soft, bright green eyes. Her brows pulled down in slight shock. “What do you want, Aislinn?”_

_Aislinn took a deep breath and acted as if she was going to run her fingers through her hair, but grimaced at the tight bun. “I’m sorry. About everything.”_

_Again, Jack rolled her eyes and turned back towards the Palaven landscape. “Yeah, whatever.”_

_Her sister grabbed her arm and she was forced to look at her again. “No, listen to me. You have to listen,” she said quickly and forcefully._

_“Fine, I’m listening.” Aislinn took Jack’s hand in hers and grasped it tightly._

_“I’m sorry. I can’t explain, not right now, but I’m sorry. For everything,” she gestured outwards with her free hand, “for all of this. I should’ve tried harder. I should’ve… dammit!”_

_“Should’ve what?” Jack asked quickly, leaning forward and swallowing down the emotions that were swirling inside of her._

_“I need more time,” she said quietly, looking away and pressing her hand against her temple before looking back at Jack. “Just remember what I said, that I’m sorry. Don’t forget, Jack.”_

_She looked back down at her hands and when Jack went to say something she looked up, the silver back in her eyes, and looked at her curiously. “Is there a reason you’re holding my hand? His piloting is bad, but not_ that _bad. Damn.”_

Jack looked up from her hands as she finished her story and met Hackett’s gaze sadly. “I don’t know how I missed it.”

He was quiet for a moment. “I think we need to speak to Harper about this."

"Why Harper?"

"Let's just say that he has experience with this."

 

* * *

 

He grumbled as his omni-tool pinged with an incoming face message. Before answering he looked at the caller, his mandibles pulling against his face tightly, and took a deep breath. He'd been dreading this particular conversation and was certain it wouldn't end well.

"Saren," he said, swinging his legs off the bed. "Is there a problem?"

"You could say that," the turian said, his face a mask, devoid of any emotion. "Was I mistaken in believing that I would be in the same facility, let alone the same department, where she is currently residing?"

He wondered how long it would take him to figure that out. Unfortunately for him Saren wasn’t stupid. He was, however, surprised at the lack of anger. Perhaps things would go better than expected. "I couldn't place you with her. Too risky. She would recognize you."

"That is a risk we should be willing to take, Kryik. I doubt she'd be so stupid as to say anything, given the stakes."

"Take it or leave it, Saren," he snapped. "I've worked my ass off trying to convince them to let me recruit you. I've forged paperwork for your background, took the liberty of changing your name, and even accepted shit missions to get you in. You should thank the damn Spirits that Cerberus doesn't know what you look like and know you only by way of name and reputation."

Saren glared at him through the holographic video, his mandibles fluttering as he decided what to say. He clearly wasn't happy, but Nihlus was this close to telling him to forget the whole thing He had enough to worry about without Saren making a fuss.

Cerberus had an enormous red eye watching him at all times and Harper was even beginning to question his loyalty. Vakarian had even taken to accompanying him on said shit missions and he was pretty certain it was because Vakarian didn't trust him, which was a problem and not to mention hurtful.

That's nothing to say about the surveillance equipment he had found in his apartment, the deeply encrypted codes in his computer - no doubt installed by Asim - and the bug in his office where he made all of his calls; at least he was smart enough to never have conversations like this one, for example, on any other device other than his omni-tool.

"You've apparently thought of everything," Saren said with a sniff. “When does my shuttle leave?”

“Tomorrow at 1500. Do not be late. The driver will not wait for you.”

“Understood. I’ll be speaking to you again, Kyrik. Arterius out.”

The call ended and Nihlus leaned back against his pillows wondering if he’d made the biggest mistake yet. Too late to turn back now, he thought and prayed that the Spirits were on his side.

 

* * *

 

"Nezzie?"

"In here."

Aethyta walked around the corner to find her wife planted firmly in front of her computer, eyes dancing over the asari script playing across the screen and wearing one of her favorite yellow outfits.

"Liara called," she said, leaning against the wall with her shoulder.

"Any news?" Benezia still hadn't looked away from the screen.

"Yes."

"Something to worry about?"

Aethyta shrugged a shoulder despite Benezia's lack of attention and sighed. "That depends." At this the Matriarch looked up from her script and at her husband.

"On?" she asked, turning a degree so her neck wasn't bent at a bizarre angle. She gestured to her screen. "I don't have all night, Thyta."

"You remember the mission a few weeks ago that Vakarian was lead on?" Benezia nodded, her smooth face sliding into a look of slight confusion. "Do you know what the package was that they were retrieving from Thessia?"

Benezia fully turned her body towards her husband and frowned while shaking her head. "No," she said slowly, "but I have a feeling this is not going to happy news."

"The package was Shepard; Liara thought that perhaps you would want to know."

What felt like an hour was only a few minutes as Benezia stared at her mate with an open mouth and wide eyes. "That's..."

"A kick in the quad? Yeah, I know."

Benezia leaned forward slightly so her palms rested on the tops of her knees and shook her head. "Did she say how Shepard is doing? Is she well? Or is she," she sighed, blinking back the liquid pooling in the corners of hers eyes, "gone?"

Aethyta hurried forward and dropped to her knees in front of her wife, cupping Benezia's cheek in the palm of her hand and placing a soft kiss on her lips. "Liara didn't say much but from what I was able to gather is that Shepard is no longer herself. Liara knew you were close to her and she thought you should know."

The Matriarch lifted her blue eyes that were flashing with fury. “I swear to the Goddess that if she is lost forever, I will never forgive Nihlus or Harper as this is completely their doing.”

“You can’t just say things like that, Nezzie,” she whispered anxiously, casting a wary eye towards the door.

“The hell I can’t!” Benezia cried, standing quickly and turning her back on her husband who was still on her knees, staring at her wife incredulously.

“What in the name of Athame are you talking about? How is Shepard being lost because of the Creators their fault? What did they do?”

Benezia shook her head and barked out a deep scathing laugh. “Harper ordered me back from Grissom. He said that Nihlus would be able to take care of her and that I had “completed my mission”. I tried to keep tabs on her, but my access was denied and Nihlus was “forbidden” to speak to me about her. Did you know that she - Shepard that is - was seeded? Chosen by the Creators as a child? Her mother begged Harper to keep her safe, keep her away from the Creators and he said he would.

“Next thing I hear is that Shepard is being shipped off to the human biotic training program on Rannoch. When I was able to finally get some answers I was told that Shepard was “perfectly fine”. That was the last I heard about her and any other time I tried to get some semblance of reassurance that she was, in fact, doing well I was blocked, shut down. The - _Harper_ told me there was nothing to worry about. Eventually, I gave up.

“But now,” she paused, the fire in her eyes and the ferocity in her voice faded, her shoulders sagged, “now she’s here and I’m finding out that she’s _not_ well.”

The whole while Benezia had spoken, Aethyta hadn’t moved from her kneeling position. “Why didn’t you ever tell me any of this?” How could she have kept all of that a secret for a decade? Or, at the very least, managed to keep in bottled inside her for so long without ever having spoken about it. She racked her brain trying to remember a point in time of where it might have come up, but she found nothing.

“It was my burden to bear. I was her mentor, her caretaker and I-I promised her that I wouldn't let the Creators harm her. I failed, Thyta.”

“It’s not your fault, Nezzie,” she said softly as she stood and wrapped her arms around her mate’s waist. “It will never be your fault. Now, though, you can try and help her, try and bring her back to us. You can help her break free of their control.”

“If she even remembers who I am,” she sighed. “In order to break through the control there has to be a powerful emotional connection to whomever the subject is speaking too.”

Aethyta pressed her lips against Benezia’s and whispered, “You’ll figure it out, Nezzie. I have complete faith in you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, for the new year I decided to do a double update and there it is!
> 
> Tell me your thoughts; what do you think so far? Theories? Hit me with 'em!


	8. Over the Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by: [Over the Love](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZX7aPZ35wxQ&list=FLnR98JEuqMICVKN4PZmyuAw) by Florence + the Machine
> 
> Some of the lyrics make it through to the chapters to give more emphasis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on the song Over the Love by Florence + the Machine.

He rolled over, groaning and fumbled with the snooze on his alarm. His brown eyes cracked open and regarded the time. "Shit," he mumbled sleepily. "Maybe another five minutes." His eyes slid closed and he sighed, pulling his blankets up past his broad shoulders and soaking in the warmth.

Just as he was almost asleep again he sat up quickly at the loud knocking on his door, his heart thumping. "Alenko!" came the muffled voice of Vakarian.

"Damn," he whispered. "So much for getting some extra shut eye."

The knocking grew more insistent and rose in volume. "Alenko, get your ass out of that bed now and grab your gear. Meet me in the Commons in ten. Understood?"

"Roger!" he called as he jumped out of bed and tugged his pants on quickly, hopping on one foot to grab his shirt and shoes. He brushed his teeth and gave a cursory glance over his reflection. He could wait to shave - not as if he really had a choice; if he happened to be late then Vakarian would have his ass, served up and laid out on a shiny silver platter while presenting it to the Creators with a graceful bow.

Without much more hesitation, he grabbed his armor and weapons and headed out the door.

Walking down the hall, he stopped at a deep female voice and peered around the corner to see Shepard standing in the corridor, arms pulled behind her back and cuffed at the wrists and ankles.

Vakarian had his fingers wrapped around her handcuffs as he spoke to her and the assassin. What was his name again? Cryos? Krios? Krios, that's it.

Shepard lifted her head and looked up at Garrus. For only a moment, and he'd never be certain if what he saw was real or merely his imagination, her eyes flashed green and a look of utter despair and some other emotion he couldn't name overtook her soft features. She looked as if she wanted to say something but instead she bent her head, closed her eyes and when she opened them again they were silver, brighter than normal.

He shook himself and continued towards the Commons but that look on her face and in her eyes wouldn’t leave him.

 

* * *

 

"Why is she here?" Jack growled angrily as soon as she entered the Commons.

"I suppose I could ask the same of you," Shepard replied with a small smile. “What can you do that I can’t?”

"She's not fuckin' coming is she?" Jack asked, ignoring her sister.

Garrus sighed and ran a hand over his fringe, shifting his weight from foot to foot. "She won't be on the ground with us but--"

"No. Hell fucking no. If they even get a whiff of her presence then we're all royally fucked in the ass and that is _not_ the kinda ass fuckin’ I'm into."

Garrus' mandibles pulled tight against his jaw and he brought himself up to his full height. "I do not remember asking for your permission, Jack."

"Then I am out."

"The hell you are!" Williams cried angrily. She pointed between the two sisters and Krios. "Shepard is the only one who knows every nook and cranny of that base and you two can get in and out virtually undetected."

"I don't have a death wish. You apparently do."

"They won't even know she's there," Garrus interrupted.

At this revelation, Jack and Krios looked at Garrus with a startled and disbelieving expression.

"And you know this how?" Jack asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Sources, intel, reliable information from trusted allies. Besides, the ship we're using? It'll read as friend on their scanners and without her amp," he said, tightening his fingers around Shepard's cuffs, "they have no way of knowing where she is."

"Is that right, Vakarian?" Shepard asked, looking up at the large turian. He stared at her for a long moment as if trying to read the truth - or lie - in her words.

It was rare, Kaidan mused, that Vakarian came up blank or couldn't see through someone. Perhaps Shepard was correct when she said she was better than Garrus.

"What do you mean?" Vakarian finally asked full of suspicion, bringing Kaidan out of his reverie. Shepard's pink lips curled up at the corners, her silver eyes glittering with amusement.

"You removed my amp, effectively cutting down my biotics by a mere five percent, which, I'll grant you, does have a locator inside but do you really believe for a second that they won't know the minute I, Jack, or Thane enter orbit?" She arched her brow at them when they didn’t answer but instead responded with looks of confusion. Her mouth pursed in mild irritation and she narrowed her eyes at Vakarian.

Kaidan watched the silent conversation between the vanguard and the large, turian soldier and wondered just when they managed to learn so much about each other. After another moment of them gazing at each other, his mandibles fell slack and his eyes widened. “No. Definitely not. Out of the question!” Quickly she averted her eyes towards the floor.

“Really? Then explain to me how you and your mediocre soldiers will obtain what you seek while I am here on lockdown,” she argued heatedly, her eyes steadfastly never leaving the floor. “Jack and Thane can’t even enter the building without setting off a thousand different alarms. I can get in, get them, and get out.”

"You expect us to trust you?” he asked, disbelief marring the edges of his voice and sub-vocals.

“Like I told Alenko,” she said, bringing her hands from around her back and showing the broken cuffs with a shake of her hand, “if I wanted to kill you, you’d all be dead. Isn’t that right, Jack?”

“Shit! She broke her cuffs!” Ashley cried and whipped out her pistol, pointing it straight at Shepard’s temple. Before anyone could react, Shepard had Ashley’s Paladin in her one hand and Ashley in the air with the other.

Her silver-green eyes looked around at the group, her thin, red brows arched and her pink, plump lips pulled down at the corners as she gave an exasperated sigh. “Must I repeat myself, Williams? Those are just bad manners.” Slowly she lowered the soldier to floor, whose face had paled, before pointedly looking at Garrus. “Have I made my point, Vakarian?”

“How do I know that once you’re down on that base you won’t turn on us?”

She strolled forward towards the nearest console and typed in a series of codes. She pulled back and pointed her slender finger against the schematics. “I haven’t reported in, they can’t find me because I’m underground and my amp is missing, so you can imagine that they probably are under the impression that I’m dead. I don't even know if they have bothered to try and find me. Furthermore, no one can break or hack into this facility. Not even Tali'Zorah vas Cerberus or Kasumi Goto."

"And you know this how, exactly?" Kaidan asked. The look she gave him could only be described as withering.

"Because I designed it myself," she responded, her voice full of confidence and dripping with disdain.

"That's - I - the fuck? When?" Shepard ignored her sister and instead focused her gaze on Vakarian.

"To them, I am a traitor of the highest caliber because I am the deadliest weapon they have," she bent her head, her hand lifting to tug at her bun to loosen it until stray strands fell to frame her squared jaw, "and I can wipe out infantry line after line after line. I am a biotic, a tech specialist, an engineer, an adept and a soldier. I am your - and their - worst nightmare." When she lifted her head again and matched his gaze, her eyes boring into his electric blue ones, her demeanor was sad, almost defeated yet harder than steel itself. "So what's it going to be, Vakarian?"

He gave a frustrated, almost defeated, sounding cry before bounding away, his armor clanking. "Where the hell are you going?" Williams asked his retreating form.

"To see Harper!" he called over his shoulder as he rounded the corner and was out of sight.

"Well," Shepard said, crossing her arms over her chest and resting back on her right leg. "That went better than anticipated. I am glad to see that he can be reasoned with both on and off the battlefield."

"Shut up," Ashley growled.

"Touchy, touchy. Afraid I'll steal your man, Williams?" Ashley shot her a scathing look that Shepard just laughed off.

"Fat chance. He'd never be interested in the likes of you."

Jack had to do a double take but there was no mistaking that look. Aislinn's face closed up, her jaw tensed and she looked away towards the doorway where Garrus had disappeared through, keeping her eyes purposefully turned from them.

There was only one word to describe the look on her sister's face.

Sadness.

And Jack was determined to get to the bottom of it.

 

* * *

 

Harper turned around as Garrus entered and regarded the turian with an irritated expression. "Vakarian I--"

"She wants to come with us on this mission," he interrupted quickly, not in the mood for Harper to tell him to deal with any problems on his own because he is 'a capable soldier'. With a hasty afterthought he added, "Sir."

Harper blinked at him slowly, his graying brows dropping to just above his blue eyes and his lips pursing. "Why?"

"She said that only she can do it."

"And do you believe her?" Harper asked with an arched brow and an expression Garrus had no name for.

Did he believe her? He had a feeling, a deep, gnawing feeling, that he could believe, could trust her but why? She had ripped his face apart, viciously, and left him to die. They'd fought battle after battle against each other. His head ached like there was a vital piece of information, like puzzle pieces, missing or had been ripped from his mind.

He was conflicted, torn. He hated that feeling but it refused to dissipate like it was anchored down hard at the bottom of an ocean.

"Yes," he finally responded with a heavy sigh. Harper's lips curled into a small smile. "I have no reason, any type of proof or evidence to say otherwise."

"Who will be going groundside with her?" Garrus shifted his weight and met his eyes. "You? Given your past history with her do you think that wise? Perhaps you could send Alenko in your stead."

"Alenko? I'd be worried she would over power him."

"You have to learn to give him a chance, Vakarian. Besides," he said, taking a deep drag from his cigarette and watching Garrus carefully, "it will help their relationship."

"Sir, with all due respect, I really feel as if I should be going. We don't know how they'll react to seeing her. If I am there --"

"The decision has been made and might I remind you that Williams pointed out that when someone says 'with all due respect' it really means 'kiss my ass'?" If Garrus could blush he would have been right then. Harper laughed and stood, walked around the desk, and clapped him on the shoulder. "Get the job done, Vakarian. I have faith in your leadership skills and Alenko would rather die than let anything happen to them or to let you down. He'll do fine."

Garrus nodded and turned away from the human male, feeling as if he'd lost more than that argument.

 

* * *

 

"Is there a ladies’ room I can use?" Shepard asked, turning her body towards Jack.

Jack looked up from her shotgun, eyeing her suspiciously, and jerked her head towards the doorway on their left. "I'll come with you," she said, laying her weapon on the table but holstering her pistol.

"I think I can manage to take a piss by myself."

"Never said you couldn't," Jack responded, falling into step next to her.

"Can you at least wait outside?" Jack arched a brow in response and Aislinn rolled her eyes. "I'll be out in a minute."

She palmed the green panel to the door and slipped in, locking it behind her, and leaned against the door. She walked across the room and looked at her reflection.

Bright green eyes stared back at her as the reflection raised a hand and tugged on the bun that she hated. She looked away and blinked back the hot tears.

"He doesn't remember," she whispered. "They really did it. I wanted it that way, I _needed_ it that way. I didn’t think it’d hurt this bad. Then again," she sighed, chewing on her bottom lip, “I never expected to be here either.”

She felt the creature digging at her grey matter and pressed her fingers against her temple. "Not yet. Soon, but not yet," she crooned aloud to the creature who whimpered and laid down. "We get to that base and I'll release all control to you. I can’t remember what happens."

Her silver-green eyes met her reflection, a sad smile pulling the corners. “I’m a hard soul to save,” she bowed her head, her fingers trailing over her hair as she released a bitter laugh. “It’s like there’s an ocean between us.”

She turned the faucet on and splashed water on her hot cheeks, relishing in the cool liquid. She looked back up at her reflection, watching as the silver creeped in at the edges, brighter than usual.The creature lifted its head and scented the air, noticing the change in her, and growled. “Partial for now, but I promise you’ll be released soon.”

 

* * *

 

“You’re going to keep her on a leash, right?” Joker asked, gesturing to the vanguard. Garrus raised an unamused brow plate at him. “Jesus, come on. You can’t blame a man for asking who is worried about his life as well as the life of his girlfriend. Besides, Vega is going to flip his shit - Cortez too - when they see her.

“She’ll behave,” Aria said cooly, dropping down into the co-pilots seat. She glanced at Shepard whose eyes narrowed, flashing angrily. “Didn’t know I was here, did you?”

“How’s Omega, Aria?” Shepard asked, her voice sickeningly sweet before giving a soft laugh and shaking her head. “Oh, right. You wouldn’t know, now would you? At least, not since I kicked your sorry, traitorous, blue ass off it.”

“Cool it,” Garrus murmured when Aria’s hands started to glow. He jerked Shepard around and pushed her towards the CIC of the _Normandy_ with a wave over his shoulder at Joker. As they passed the Galaxy Map, Garrus told Traynor to have the team assemble in the briefing room. “Close your eyes,” he barked out to Shepard who glanced up at him with a confused expression. “I don’t want you to see anything that you might use against us.”

“As if I don’t already have the schematics for this ship imprinted in my head.” He glared down at her and she met his gaze with narrowed eyes, but she finally huffed out a breath and closed her eyes. “You need to relax, Vakarian.”

“Last time I let my guard down, I almost died.”

“Bummer.”

“Yeah,” he said, grabbing her arm and steering her through the lab.

The moment they stepped through the door there was an outcry from the crew as they realized who was with him. He silenced them with a single look as he pushed her forward, in front of him. He noticed Alenko’s eyes lingering on how his hand wrapped around her bicep and sent a curious look his way. Alenko brushed it off with a wave of his hand.

“Alright,” Garrus began, removing his hand from her arm and linking his fingers behind his back. “First things first: I feel, as your Commanding Officer, that it is my duty to divulge any and all information about this mission. It is up to you whether or not you want to be part of it.” He took a deep breath; a scent he was familiarly unfamiliar with wafted up to him.

_“What did you call it?” he murmured against the red mass of curling tresses, inhaling the sweet, subtle scent of her human hair. She laughed that laugh he cherished, her palms running up along his arms and across his shoulders, her green eyes gazing at him with liquid pools of emotion._

_“Lavenia. Lavender mixed with gardenia. It’s a favorite of mine.”_

_“Mine too.”_

_“You just say that,” she smiled at him as she placed a light-hearted punch against his chest. He caught her smaller hand, curled his larger one around it and pressed his lips against hers._

_“Whenever I smell it, I’ll know how much I love you.”_

He was jerked out his reverie when Ashley placed a concerned hand on his arm, her warm, honey colored eyes looking up at him. For only a moment he wished they were the green of another’s before shaking himself. He didn’t know what that was or who but now was not the time to try and figure it out. He pushed it aside and again focused on the mission.

"This mission is highly classified and extremely dangerous for various reasons. First off, Shepard will be going to the base with Alenko and Tali --"

"Dios mio! That is loco!"

"To extract Prostasia and Aegli," he continued as if he never heard Vega's outburst. "We don't know how long we can stay in the system so, in other words, we don't really know much." He gestured to Shepard. "She does, though, and that is one reason why Harper agreed to this.” He paused, his brow plate arching as he looked down towards Shepard. “Care to enlighten us, vanguard?”

“You say that as if it is an insult,” she replied, leaning forward and keying in a code. A blueprint pulled up and she pointed towards a small room. “That is where they are being held. That’s the interrogation prison.” Her fingers moved swiftly over the holographic interface and tilted her head towards another part of the blueprint. “That is the main entrance which is heavily guarded. When I say heavily guarded, I’m talking four Roman sized legions of Guardians. Which, if you know your human history, is four-hundred and eighty soldiers. No way to get in there undetected.” Her silver-green eyes danced over the hologram faster than he could even follow. Her lips moved rapidly, talking to herself silently, as her eyes narrowed, her jaw tightening. “It’s changed.”

“What do you mean ‘changed’?” Her eyes met her sister’s.

“What do you think it means?” she snapped, her eyes never leaving the hologram. “They work fast.” Her hands danced over the holographic keyboard; the tips of her fingers tapping out a rhythmic dance. His visor picked up her higher than normal heartbeat, her abnormal levels of adrenaline and the alarmingly rapid rise of her biotic levels.  

"Shepard," he warned, but she shot him an icy glare over her shoulder.

"Don't."

"Maybe you can't--"

"Vakarian, wait! Don't say --"

"Do this," he finished, ignoring the warning from Jack and Shepard.

The vanguard turned, her hand never leaving the keyboard, and glared at him. Her left hand lifted as Jack grabbed his arm in a vice like grip full of alarm.

" _Don't_ ," she growled furiously, her eyes snapping from mere irritation to outright furious in a matter of milliseconds, "tell me what I _can't_ do _._ "

She lifted both him and Jack, who met his eyes with fright, in a Singularity that rivaled a Matriarch's, her breath coming out in short, sharp breaths. "I _hate_ being told what I _can't_ do." She held them suspended in the air as her hand typed, her eyes fluttering across the dash. “This," she pointed, "this here is where we'll have to enter."

Slowly, she lowered them to the ground. Garrus ignored the stunned looks from the crew; he should have headed their warnings and he knew that, but at least she hadn't hurt them. Perhaps that was progress.

"How do you expect to enter from the top? They'll hear the shuttle. There is nothing else?"

She shook her head and smiled, all traces of her previous anger gone in an instant. "We'll have to do it the old fashioned way."

Alenko, Tali and even Garrus looked nervous. "And that would be?" he questioned. Her smile grew.

"We do a jump."

 

* * *

 

The bay doors opened, the wind whirring loudly, as Shepard turned around and looked at Garrus. "You're going to have to be ready. As soon as I call for pick up there are only a few minutes Cortez will have to get us. After that," she said, tightening the straps, "we'll have to find another way."

"You do your job and I'll do mine," he called to her over the loud wind. "Shepard!" She looked up from checking Tali's parachute. "Keep them safe."

"I said I'd do this. I might be a lot of things, but I always keep my word," she turned and looked at Alenko. "You ready, sentinel?"

"As I'll ever be. I haven't done this in a long time."

"Just remember one thing," she said as she walked towards the edge. "Stay calm. Now let's do this."

Alenko and Tali got into position next to her. "Can't you just, I don't know... levitate us down with your biotics?" Tali asked nervously.

"At forty-five thousand feet in the air?" Kaidan retorted.

"Alright, remember the formation. Commencing jump in three, two," she grabbed for their hands, "one. Jump!"

As they leapt off the back of the Normandy, Liara looked at Garrus. "You really think they'll be alright?"

"Too late to go back now,” he said as he slammed his fist against the controls to close the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter is early this week since I had to postpone last weeks. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!


	9. Back to Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by: [Back to Black](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxQWckbhVTU) by Beyonce and Andre 3000.

Kaidan watched her face, her expressions, and her small smile that described more than a four thousand paged book as they fell towards the rocky planet’s surface. Bliss, he decided, was the look that took over her features.

Adrenaline junkie, apparently, he mused, was to be added to the list of descriptives Cerberus had of her. Her eyes shifted towards him and he stared at her as they rocketed through the sky. Her eyes held him captive in their silver-green gaze. Her smile almost shy, her top teeth chewing on her bottom lip, her laugh deep and husky.

He could neither explain his growing attraction to their biotic captive nor did he want to. It was too private.

He held onto her stolen smiles, her small laughs, and her shy glances his way with a vice grip.

The way her eyes fluttered, the way her smile curved softly upwards in his presence was enough to make him want to keep seeing her, keep her talking.

“Unified formation,” she said over the comms, disrupting the peaceful quiet despite the roaring wind. They released their grasp on her hands and drifted from her, their arms parallel with their legs, curved in an upward bow. “Release chutes on my count. Three, two, one. Count.”

He pulled the cord and his body jerked to a halting slowness that left him dizzy. It wasn’t only until he heard Tali’s frantic screaming and Shepard calling after her that he realized Tali’s chute didn’t release.

His heart dropped into his stomach as he watched Tali’s body tumbling towards the ground, her screams filling his ears.

 

* * *

 

“Raise them on the comms,” Garrus said, walking up behind Joker. “Get a visual from Alenko’s breather too.”

“Aye, aye.”

 _“I have to release myself from this chute to save her!”_ Shepard was screaming at Alenko.

_“You’re both going to die!”_

The visual was making Garrus dizzy as Alenko’s head swiveled from Shepard, up towards the sky, to the side and finally focusing on Tali’s form.

Her limbs were flailing, her body tumbling over on itself, her screams echoing through the cockpit, and Jack went running in behind Garrus.

“What the fuck is going on? Jesus, who the fuck is screaming like no tomorrow?”

Garrus’ hands were gripping the back of Joker’s chair so tightly that his talons were digging into the soft leather, creating small, six even puncture wounds.

“Tali,” was all Garrus managed to choke out, his sub-vocals rumbling in utter despair as a keen of heartbreak left his throat.

 _“I can save her!”_ Shepard screamed, her voice rising in pitch and bordering on frantic as Tali continued to fall, screaming and crying for, surprisingly, Shepard to help her. _“I can! I can save her, Kaidan!”_ Alenko focused his attention back on Shepard who was fumbling with the clasp about her waist. It released and she quickly slipped her arms out from underneath the straps.

 _“Shepard!”_ Alenko yelled, but she was already flipping forward, her arms by her sides and propelled herself into a straight nose-dive.

“What is she doing?” Garrus asked, whipping around to glare at Jack who met his gaze steadily, as if the answer should be clear as day.

“What she does best,” she replied, turning her bright, brown eyes back to the visual and letting her arms fall by her sides limply. “Using her biotics.”

 

* * *

 

Her heart pounded in her ears, her palms sweating through her gauntlets, and the blood rushed through her veins. Despite the warm, calm feeling it caused, she shivered. She forced back the heated tears and gulped down the lump in her throat.

The creature lifted its head happily, stood, stretched and worked the kinks out of its back. It cocked its head at her in a silent question as her body fell towards Tali.

“It’s almost time,” she whispered, counting the distance towards the quarian in her head as the plummeted towards her. She straightened her body. “Help me save her.”

The creature sighed, dropping its heavy head, and almost plopped down into a tired, defeated heap before it lifted its head again in curiosity.

“Yes. I said it,” she ground out through gritted teeth. “ _Help me_.”

Twenty feet.

Fifteen feet.

Ten feet, her eyes fell shut.

Five feet, she gasped with the strength of her biotics as they burned through her; they'd always burned.

Like so many years ago, a biotic tether shot from her hand; bright and shocking. It curled around Tali's outstretched wrist, blue and blinding, and, very _unlike_ before, gently tugged her against Shepard.

"You're safe now!" she howled over the shrieking wind and Tali's hollering.

"We're still falling!" Tali wailed shrilly.

"Trust me," Shepard said, her voice pitched low and demanding through her breather. Tali's helmeted face shot up, her wide, glowing eyes stared at her. "Do you trust me, Tali'Zorah?"

For an instant Tali wondered, by nature, if she could trust her. Reasoning won out over rational thought.

This woman, this weapon of mass destruction, this _vanguard_ , had risked her life to save her in every literal sense.

Shepard had unfastened herself from her own safety harness, removed her parachute, dived towards her and she was asking... no... _pleading_ for her trust.

But it was more than that and Tali knew it, recognized it from Shepard's brother's almost exact words, and couldn't deny her. Not milliseconds ago had she been screaming for help and whose help? Shepard's. Why?

Why had she shrieked for her help? Why, why, why? The word scorched the back of her mind.

Because she could and she had a feeling, a 'hunch' as Garrus would call it, that she could trust the woman who was staring below them with such concentration it made her brain hurt because deep down, way below the surface, a woman, a person with feelings, lived, breathed and had a true honest-to-Ancestors heart for others.

So, the only the answer she could come up with as she looked into Shepard's silver-green eyes was, "Yes."

For a brief moment, Shepard smiled the warmest smile Tali believed she had ever given to anyone. The smile reached her eyes - which turned soft and a color of green she had no name for - and the edges crinkled in pure, unadulterated happiness, full of peace, joy and an emotion Tali couldn't name.

It was in that moment, the moment as they plummeted, literally head first, towards the building they were supposed to infiltrate, that Tali experienced a paradigm shift.

A shift, in which, she never would have had if Shepard hadn't risked life and limb for _her_ … a quarian engineer with too much time on her hands who couldn’t even get her parachute to open correctly.

“This is going to feel a little strange," Shepard said. Tali was about to ask when suddenly she was encased in bright blue light and she felt as if her body was buzzing.

It was strange but it was a _good_ strange. She felt light and powerful.

She watched as Shepard, while still gripping Tali around the waist with a slender arm, lifted her other hand and released a biotic sphere she had no name for. The Guardians on the rooftop shuddered and collapsed.

Softly, like a leaf on the wind, they landed on the building with Alenko seconds behind them.

"That was reckless!" Alenko whispered harshly, removing the harness and reaching for his pistol.

"Add a silencer to that. We'll need it," Shepard responded, ignoring his outburst. She lifted her arm and brought her up omni-tool. "Registering heat signatures through those doors. Interesting."

"Why is that interesting?" Her lips pursed and her face tightened. It was an expression Kaidan was becoming increasingly aware of that meant she was irritated and believed the question to be a stupid one.

"This facility is not supposed to have anything but Guardians. Those signatures are turian and asari. Things might get," she gave him a rueful smile, her silver eyes glittering in the dark, "a little messy."

"Can't we just stun them?" Tali asked, checking over her shotgun and making sure her drone was ready to go.

"No. Everyone and everything in this building has to go. The building included."

"You expect to be able to drop this building?"

"I expect nothing. I know what I can do. I've taken down bigger."

"Bigger?" Alenko whispered as they fell into a three man formation with Tali and Kaidan flanking her sides.

"An Old One. Long story," she said turning her head to look at them and lifting her hand, aiming it at the lock. "Ready?"

They nodded.

Blue light exploded from her hand, the locked fizzled and the door slid open.

"Holy shit!" an asari exclaimed. "That's Shepard!"

 

* * *

 

The last body fell to the ground with a heavy thud. Shepard looked up from the dead eyes of the turian beneath her. "Wipe that console," she ordered, pointing towards the rows of screens.

Her eyes moved around the near silent room like a predator searching for its prey. They were bright, sharp and clear. Her face twisted for a moment, her palm raising and pressing the side of her head.

"Plant the charges. We're running out of time. They know I'm close," she ground out from behind gritted teeth. She nodded towards the door on the right. "That way."

Quietly Tali bypassed the lock with Shepard growing increasingly impatient at her elbow. It finally gave and the door opened. They hurried down three flights of stairs until they came across another door that opened quietly.

Down the hall were two Guardians - with weapons at the ready - who hadn’t noticed them. "Alenko, full cryo on left. Tali, Chatika wants to play on right.”

The Guardians dropped instantly. Shepard moved down the hall, motioning for them to follow. They moved through the door. They passed a large window and Tali gasped.

"Is that - are they - are those _hybrids_?"

Shepard glanced towards the tanks. "Yes."

“How old are they?” Kaidan said as he too walked up to the glass to investigate.

Shepard gave a frustrated sigh and stopped walking. “Given the height and weight, I’d say they’re around the age a five year old human child would be.”

“They’ve outlawed hybrid children, but they grow them here?”

“These are weapons, tools for the Creators. Besides, don’t you think it’s best to keep things in the same gene pool? Isn’t that what Cerberus stands for?”

“No, that’s not what Cerberus stands for,” Tali answered, never taking her eyes off the hybrid children. "Cerberus believes that we have the right to be free, to make our own decisions."

Shepard shook her head angrily and released a deep, scathing laugh. "You say that, you all say that but you welcomed the gifts from the Creators with open, greedy little arms. If it weren't for the Old Ones and the Collectors with their lies then we'd all be living in peace. You would be free and you would be able to choose. We can't risk hybrids running around. They are a dangerous enemy like myself."

“Then why? Why give us the ability to have hybrids in the first place?” Kaidan asked furiously.

“To ensure that you’d be willing to accept them - the Creators. Everyone wished for Synthesis but now you want to go back. You can’t do that. You can’t want one thing, then another and another and another before deciding that you think you’d made a mistake and take up arms for what you chose so many years ago. The galaxy doesn’t work like that.” She turned around and looked at them with curiosity. “Do you not like how powerful your biotics are? Do you hate how fast your reflexes are? Can you not stand being able to dodge a bullet?” Their silence was her answer. “Exactly. Now,” she motioned for them to move on, “we have a job to do and I suggest we get it done before they start landing forces.”

 

* * *

 

“That door. That’s where they are,” Shepard said, pulling her hand from an unsuspecting turian’s stomach and wiping it on her armor. Tali rushed over to the lock and began her bypass, but jerked back when it shocked her.

“How do we get in?” Tali asked, shaking off the pain from the jolt.

"I have to do it."

"Why do I have the feeling that when you open this door something horrible is going to happen?"

"Because the moment it scans my retinas and confirms my identity this place might be swarming with Creator forces."

"Shit," Alenko said quietly. "What the hell do we do?"

"Fight," was all she said as she walked up to the door. She laid her hand against the panel. It swirled in red for a moment before blinking. A red light shot out and scanned her eye.

 _"Identity confirmed. Welcome Commander Shepard_ ," a cool turian female voice said. _"It has been six months, nine hours and twenty-six minutes since we last logged you in. What can I assist you with today?"_

"Open cell number sierra-hotel-three-papa-alpha-romeo-delta-zero-zero."

_"Opening cell number S-H-3-P-A-R-D-0-0. Error. Access denied.”_

As if anticipating the denial Shepard didn’t even flinch. “Use priority override golf-victor- alpha-kilo-alpha-romeo-two-one-eight-zero.”

 _“Using override G-V-A-K-A-R-2-1-8-0. Access granted.”_ Kaidan shared a look with Tali and was about to asked her something when the door slid open and she stepped through, walking down the hall quickly at an almost jog-like pace.

They followed and found her stopped in front of an open and very _empty_ cell. "What the hell are you playing at, Shepard?" Kaidan asked furiously. “If this is some sort of… where are you going?” She ignored him and stepped into the cell, her eyes searching the wall bathed in yellow light. She looked at him and Tali.

“I might be a lot of things, but I am not a liar,” she replied as she laid her hand down against a disguised button. The wall shuddered and groaned before opening to reveal a small room, smaller than the cockpit on the _Normandy_ , with two occupants.

Tali rushed forward and dropped to her knees in front of them, her hands ghosting along their bodies and making sure that everything was in working order.  When they didn't respond she looked at Shepard with alarm.

"What did they do to them?!"

"Since they are mostly synthetic, an extremely large dose of cyclobenzaprine, a muscle relaxer, is used to put them into a comatose like nature."

"So what do we do?"

"Alenko, hand me the assault pack that Chakwas packed." He slung the pack from his shoulders and put it in her outstretched hand. She opened it and searched until she produced two large syringes filled to the brim. One was filled with a translucent liquid and the other with a deep mauve. She pulled off the hard plastic from the needle on both, pushed the end inwards until it spurted and flicked them with her index finger. She knelt down and pressed Prostasia’s back against the wall as she tossed the syringe filled with mauve colored liquid to Tali. “On my count we push this into their hearts. It’s pure adrenaline. This one,” she waved the translucent one in the air, “is for levo based synthetic forms.”

“You knew about this?” Tali asked incredulously. Shepard wheeled around on her knees.

“Of course I knew! It would have been the only way to actually keep them here and not have them escape,” she growled, her silver eyes sparking dangerously. “Now, again, on my count. Count: three, two, one."

Shepard thrust the syringe forward and slipped it between the would be ribs of Prostasia as Tali did the same to Aegli.

The synthetics shuddered before coming awake, their faces searching the room wildly. Their gazes landed on Shepard who was still kneeling in front of Prostasia.

Aegli stole Tali's pistol and fired it three times straight at Shepard before they could do anything.

Tali screamed and Alenko wrestled the gun from his hands as Shepard fell backwards from the force of the shot, her hands grabbing her abdomen and staring at her blood in shock.

"Good aim," Shepard said through gritted teeth while Tali pressed her hands against the wounds and Alenko fumbled around in the bag for anything to stop the bleeding.

"Shepard? Shepard stay awake -- stay with us!"

 

* * *

 

"Fuck this! I'm going in there," Jack growled as she whipped around and started jogging through the CIC.

Garrus motioned for Ashley to follow him and took off after the vanguard. They slipped into the elevator before the door slid shut and Jack looked up at him. "I’m coming with you. I’m not letting you hit the ground in this emotional state.”

“Fuck your emotional state."

"Remind me again why we care what happens to her?" Ashley butted in, contempt marring the edges of her husky voice.

"That's my goddamn sister, you stupid fuckin' cunt!"

"Lock it down, both of you. This was supposed to go smoothly but thanks to --"

"What did you expect, Garrus? It's not like we could have sent them a message saying, 'Hey we're dropping the deadliest war machine to rescue you so play nice'. I would've shot her ass too if she was the first thing I saw after waking up. I can't say she doesn't deserve it, I mean look at --"

"Enough!" Garrus growled out angrily. Before marching out if the elevator he rounded on Ashley. "I gave you an order and you disobeyed. You're staying here. Jack, follow me. We need to grab Vega," he turned to leave but looked at her again "Another thing, when on duty, you have to refer to everyone by rank and/or surname if they are a superior. Am I clear, Williams?"

She stared at him with wide eyes and a hurt look but snapped out a crisp salute. "Yes, General Vakarian."

"Good. Dismissed. Head back to the bridge." With that he and Jack brushed past her and hurried towards Vega who was tinkering around with some weapon mod. "Vega, suit up with weapons ready. We're going in."

"Oh, hell yeah! Time to kick some Creator ass!"

"Be ready for anything. We don't know if there are troops or not. We might get there before they do," Garrus said as they hopped into the shuttle.

"Not bringing any weapons, Jack?" Vega asked teasingly.

"I got a shotgun. Wanna see it up close?" Vega laughed and nudged her shoulder with his.

"You're not half bad, Inks."

She raised a brow at him. "Inks?"

"Yeah. You know a nickname and, well, because of the, you know... tattoos. Everyone's got one. Your sister too." Her brows rose even higher and he had the good grace to flush which was closely followed by a cough. "Lola. That's what I call her anyway."

"Lola? What the hell does that mean?"

"Oh, Spirits, why did you ask?" Garrus feigned annoyance with a mock grumble as he checked his scope. Vega just chuckled and brushed him off.

"I had a best friend as a kid, this was before HWTP, and he had this sister. She was somethin' else. She was older, by a little bit, and she could kick any pendejos ass who had the cojones to try and fuck with her. Hot, though. Dios mio, was she hot. She was also a biotic. Your sister, Shepard, reminds me of Lola. So," he shrugged, "I call her that."

"Sorry to break it to you, Muscles, but Aislinn prefers more... exotic men. Alien men. Turians, actually," she said, casting a glance in Garrus' direction but he didn't even flinch. _Hmm._

"You know I've never understood how that works. Williams and Scars are sort’ve a thing but they never answer me."

 _Scars and Queen B? Was I wrong?_ Jack thought as Vega rambled on. _No, that look she wore said fuckin' everything. There was something there. I fuckin' know it._

"How do you know she's more into turians than humans?" Vega asked, startling her out of her thoughts.

"She went through boyfriends and girlfriends like fuckin' tampons but she prefers males. Most of them were turian but when we were at Grissom she mainly focused on our Instructor. Nihlus was a decent guy, but their relationship was fucked up."

"Nihlis Kryik?" Garrus interrupted quickly.

"Yeah, why? You know him?"

"He's one of our agents," Vega answered. "A damn good one, too. So... wait. They were _fucking_ while she was in school? That doesn't sound like Nihlus, does it Scars?"

"No. It doesn't." He couldn't explain it but the thought of Nihlus putting his hands on a naked Shepard caused a searing burn of anger to slither through his veins. It was so powerful that it left him reeling. He shook it off and decided to dwell on that later.

"General?" Cortez called from the front. "We might have a problem."

"What is it?"

"We got Creator forces swarming the LZ. Our guys will be taking a beating if they come out the front doors. But it looks like," he pressed a few buttons and nodded grimly. "Yeah. They can't go back up. They're walking into Hell. Literally."

"Where are they?"

"Picking up their GPS on the last floor. It's moving towards those doors."

"Holy hell," Vega whispered as he looked out the window and towards the LZ. "That's..."

"Welcome to war, Vega. It's not always rainbows and butterflies," Jack interrupted with a grim smile, turning towards the conversation up front.

"Drop us now!"

"You're going in hot, General! I'll --" Cortez was cut off by an explosion that rocked the shuttle.

"Go, go, go!" Garrus called over the gunfire and rockets.

They jumped and hit the ground with Garrus rolling into cover, pulling his rifle off his back and landing a perfect headshot on an unsuspecting asari.

 _"I got bogies on my six! I have to lose them while you extract the crew!"_ Cortez said over the comms.

"Steve? Be safe."

Cortez laughed. _"Is that concern I hear, Mister Vega?"_

"Just shut up and drive, esteban."

"Hold for Charge!" Jack cried. She felt the hot, delicious strength of her biotics race through her core just as she noticed Vega step directly into the line of her Charge. "Vakarian! I have to release!"

As if in slow motion Garrus looked at her then Vega. He jumped up from his position, switched his weapon to his 'only in emergencies' sidearm, and crashed into Vega at the moment Jack rushed past them in a bright, too bright, blue blur.

She hurtled into a Marauder, blasting its shields and finishing it with a Nova and a shotgun blast to the face.

"Vakarian! Banshee hybrid on our six!" Jack screamed as she released another Nova on a cloud of swarmers. "Fuckin' fuck!"

Garrus whipped around at the plate raising shriek that echoed across the battlefield; quickly he switched to his Black Widow and squeezed the trigger. "Bullets bounce off their barriers!"

"You didn't fuckin' bring warp ammo? Jesus fuck, Vakarian!"

"Can you do it or not?!"

Jack swore heavily over the comm and most of it Garrus couldn't catch. What he _did_ catch made him bristle, but he decided to deal with it later.

She shouted for another Charge.

He thought they were ready until the doors slid open to reveal Shepard in Alenko's arms and Tali with Prostasia and Aegli hanging off of her.

Jack almost missed the Banshee hybrid upon seeing her sister's bloodied form, but she slammed into it. The barriers didn't give even with a Nova.

"How are we supposed to take it down?" Vakarian called over the comms.

"She is going to have to do it!"

"She's been shot, Jack!"

Carefully they made their way across the field towards Alenko and Tali.

"Aislinn now is not the time to fuckin' die! We really fuckin' need you!" Jack said quickly, dropping behind cover to lean over her sister's body.

"I don't," Shepard coughed and grimaced. She was panting from the struggle to sit up. "I'm not sure--"

"Is she going make it?" Vega asked as Garrus and Kaidan gave covering fire.

Jack knew what she had to do get her sister moving. She also knew how much stress it would put on her body but if they wanted to live it was the only way.

"What? Are you really going to pussy out, Aislinn?" Her sister glared at her through her pain. "The great Shepard can't fuckin' do something?"

"I'm bleeding out," Shepard snarled from behind gritted teeth.

"Admit it. You can't fuckin' do it. You just can't. Isn't that right, Vakarian?" For a moment Jack didn't think he would catch on.

"No. You're right. Shepard can't do it."

With a willpower that amazed them, Shepard pushed herself up off ground and stood. "Don't tell me what I can't do," she said.

Her body started to glow a bright blue and she looked at them. "You want to see a _real_ vanguard at work?" A Ravager turned its sights on her. "I suggest you get in cover."

She took off in a powerful Charge and slammed into the Ravager. It howled in pain before she ripped it in half.

She whipped around, tossing out a Singularity towards a group of turians and humans. Vega and Tali picked them off and their bodies hit the ground.

The Banshee screamed and aimed a ball of light towards her but she dodged it. Her body glowed again, primed for a Charge. She took off and hurtled into it, knocking it off balance.

"Aislinn! Flare!" Jack shouted.

" _I know what to do, thanks!_ "

Garrus looked at Jack. "Isn't Flare dangerous?"

"With her?" she nodded towards her sister with an almost, _almost_ , proud look. He could see the waver, the worry, in her eyes. "Fuck yeah."

"Can she do it without her amp though?" Jack stared at him, her face paling as his words sunk in. She'd completely forgotten about that in the heat of battle. She looked back at Shepard.

"I have to help her," she said as she scrambled out of cover. When she looked back, Shepard was priming for her Flare. "Aislinn! Wait!"

But it was too late. Shepard released her Flare.

The area lit up in a bright blue and it sounded like someone had dropped a bomb. The ground shook and the air quivered. Any hostiles that had been standing no longer were.

When their eyes could again focus and their hearing restored, they saw Shepard lying on the ground soaked in a pool of her own blood.

Jack vaulted over the broken wall and made a run towards her sister. Her hands fluttered over Aislinn's body. "Aislinn," she whispered, "Aislinn say something, anything."

She turned Shepard over and quickly checked for a pulse. When she couldn't find it she bent her head to listen for her breathing or a heartbeat.

"Vakarian! I need you to do something for me!" She looked up to find him standing there, staring down at Aislinn's motionless body. "Vakarian!"

He pulled his eyes away and looked at Jack. "What do you need?" he asked as he knelt down on the other side.

"I need you to use overload on her. It'll jump start her heart."

"Won't that kill her though?"

"She's d-dead already," Jack sobbed as she tried to do CPR. "J-just do it. Pl-please?"

He nodded and brought up his omni-tool. "You need to move away from her."

She pulled back, wiping the blood on her pants and nodded at him. "Now."

Shepard's body lifted off the ground but nothing happened. Jack leaned forward and checked her. She nodded at him.

"Jack I--"

"Just fuckin' do it!" she screamed, lacing her fingers together and pumping her arms on Shepard's chest. She pulled back and he sent another shock.

Shepard came awake with an ear piercing scream and started coughing. "Thank fucking God," Jack said. She pulled Aislinn into her lap. "I thought you were gone."

 

* * *

 

"You can see her now," Garrus said, leaning up against the wall. He tilted his head towards the med-bay. Jack looked up from her glass with red-rimmed eyes.

"Thanks." He pushed away and turned to walk away. "Vakarian?"

"Yeah?" Her eyes dropped back down to her glass for a moment before meeting his gaze.

"Why did you help me save her?" His mandibles fluttered against his jaw. "I mean, you could have just let her stay fucking dead but you didn't."

He wasn't sure why he'd helped. Every rational part of his brain had screamed to leave her but another part, a deeper part, had felt a hot burn of pain at seeing her motionless form. "I don't know. Maybe it was because she had helped us."

She stared at him for a long moment as if trying to find something. "You -- thanks," she murmured and pushed away from the table. She turned and looked at him. "I'll let her know you saved her. Maybe it'll trigger something."

He gave her a confused expression, his brow plates shifting. "What do you mean?"

"Call it a feeling or hunch." She walked away and headed for the med-bay.

The door opened quietly and she stepped inside, her eyes landing on Aislinn's still form covered in clean, white linen.

"She's stable but she's on quite a few pain killers," Chakwas said from her desk. "She's been quite the chatty Cathy. Either way, I'll leave you two alone." Jack nodded and moved towards her sister's bed.

Shepard smiled at Jack. "There you are," she slurred out. "I was wondering where you disappeared to."

"You scared the fucking shit out of me, A."

"Mmm. I'm sorry, really. I didn't mean to, you know," she paused and scrunched up her face like she was thinking really hard, "do that thing I'm sorry for."

"You fucking _died_." Aislinn gave her a drunken look of surprise despite the fact that her eyes never opened.

"I died?"

"Yeah," Jack said. They sat there in silence for a moment with Aislinn staring at her sister with barely open eyes. Jack gave a sigh. "Why are you staring at me?"

"Why are you covered in blood?"

"It's yours. You were shot." Jack furrowed her brow and looked at Aislinn curiously. "You don't remember?"

"Nope! Last I remember I was flying in the air like a beautiful ska'thata with long, brightly colored wings," she sighed happily and settled back into her pillows.

"What the fuck is a ska'thata?"

"A bird from Palaven," she whispered sleepily. "His favorite. Reminded him of my hair he said."

Jack jerked and stared at Shepard who was completely oblivious to everything including her own pain-killer induced blabbering.

"Who? Whose favorite animal?"

Aislinn laughed, a blush rising in her cheeks. "C'mere," she half-whispered, half shouted with a curled index finger indicating that she wanted her to move forward. Jack leaned forward until her ear was almost pressed against her sister's lips. "It's a secret, Jacky. Promise not to tell?"

"I promise." Aislinn giggled and Jack pressed forward with her heart thumping against her chest.

"His name is --"

"I'm sorry, Jack, but she needs to rest," Chakwas interrupted as she strode into the room briskly. "I insist."

"No, no - wait. Aislinn, who is it?" she asked anxiously but her sister had already fallen asleep. "Fuck!"

"I beg your pardon?" Chakwas asked.

Jack bit down on the urge to roll her eyes at the older woman and instead shook her head. "Nothing, sorry. She was telling me a story and I wanted to hear the end."

Chakwas raised a brow but let it slide. Before Jack walked out of the room the doctor laid her hand gently on the biotics arm and regarded her with soft eyes. "I can understand your pain," she began with a wave towards the sleeping vanguard, "of believing that your sister, your twin, is gone. I harbor no ill feelings towards her. In fact, I believe that your sister, the true Aislinn Shepard, is in there and it's only a matter of time. Have faith, Jack."

 

* * *

 

Hackett knocked on her door. He wasn't sure what he'd say, but he knew he'd say something right. He always did and he prided himself on that.

The door opened quickly with a tired and drunk looking Jack leaning against the door jam. "It's you. If you were Harper I'd cut your goddamn balls off." She listed hard to starboard before regaining her balance. "Well don't just fuckin' stand there. Get your ass in."

His lips quirked at the edges, suppressing a smile, and stepped into her apartment. It was fairly bare considering the fact that she'd been occupying it for a few months. "No art?"

"Fuck you." She dropped down onto her couch, took a swig of whatever was in her glass bottle and narrowed her eyes at him. "Why the fuck are you here, Hackett? Aren't you douchebag's second in command?"

He linked his fingers together behind his back and assumed an at ease stance. "I'm here of my own accord, Jack."

"Bullshit. You want to know if I got anything out of my bitch sister, right? Well, guess fucking what," she took a long drink from her bottle, "I got shit. She didn't say a damned thing."

"Believe it or not, Jack," she snorted which earned her a glare, "I'm here to make sure you are okay."

"So it's just a goddamn coincidence that when I'm," she struggled for the right words, "fuck I don't know, emotionally... compromised... you're right fucking there?" He pursed his lips into a thin line."Am I on the right fucking track? Are you ordered here because of some sick and twisted fucked up shit by Harper? 'She's hurting; go see what you can do'. Is that about right?"

"Has it ever occurred to you that maybe someone cares?" he asked, moving towards the couch. "Has it occurred to you that you're not alone?"

"You know what? You're fucking right --"

"I was forced to watch as my own brother was turned into a monster. He never came back and I had to kill him. I didn't want to. I _begged_ them, Jack. At least you have family that loves you." She barked out a cold laugh.

"Right. An asshole brother and a crazy fucking sister. I don't --"

"He loves you and she's in there, somewhere. My brother was gone. I tried to bring him back. I did everything in my power and more but," he shook his head and sat on the edge of her couch, "in the end it was my hand that signed his execution. I watched him die. It was slow. I chose a slow death to show him what it was like and he laughed. I still hear him laughing in my dreams."

She sat up and looked at him. Her eyes took in his greying hair, the scar on his face and the way the light made his eyes shine a brilliant blue. He looked at her. "Could you do that, Jack?"

For once, in a very long time, she couldn't trust her voice so instead she reached her hand up and cupped his scarred cheek. She inhaled a shaky breath and when his hand lifted to grip hers she leaned forward.

She pressed her lips against his and sighed. He tasted like mint and coffee. It overwhelmed her senses and she wanted _more_. She curled her fingers into his collar and tugged him down with her until his body was pressed against hers.

His lips trailed hot, needy kisses along her jaw and down her throat. They seared her flesh and she arched into him at the feel of his hands on her thighs, dancing up her hips and fumbling with the buttons of her top.

She shrugged out of her shirt, gasping when he pressed heady kisses and against her collarbone. "Steven," she whispered, spreading her legs and lifting her hips to press against his hard cock.

Her hands fumbled with the button and zipper on his pants as he tugged her bottoms down, caressing her bare abdomen. His cock, hard, hot and heavy fell into her hand. She stroked him until he was groaning into her neck, his fingers plucking at her hardened nipples.

He pulled back and slid off the couch into a kneeling position. He pushed her legs apart and gazed hungrily at her pussy.

His head dipped down, his tongue darting out to taste her and he moaned. He laid his tongue flat over her clitoris, laving it gently, and slid a finger into wet channel.

Her hips bucked and a groan left her lips. She looked down at him, her body flushing with arousal, and whispered his name. "Fuck I need you!" she cried when he slipped another finger into her, his lips wrapping softly around her clit.

Her fingers slid through his hair and tugged him upwards. She sucked on his bottom lip, tasting herself and wrapped her hand around his cock.

"Jack," he choked out when she squeezed him, twisting her wrist. He dropped his forehead onto her shoulder and pumped his hips into her hand.

"Fuck me," she whispered and he was all too obliging.

He pushed her back onto the couch, shed his clothes and climbed on top of her. She positioned him at her entrance, rubbing the head of his cock against her slick folds.

His hips thrust forward, sheathing himself in her warmth, and moaned. Her mouth nipped at his jaw, her legs tightened around his waist and pulled him deeper.

Her nails scraped his shoulders and he grunted in pleasure.  "Jesus, Steven," she moaned loudly when he sat up, his fingers twisting her nipples and his pelvis slamming into hers. Her eyes squeezed closed. "Fuck! I'm cl-close."

Hackett's hand dipped between the apex of their bodies, his thumb finding her clit as her hands gripped his arms. He rubbed it in circles, speeding his movements with the hoarse cries from her throat.

The tight, so tight, clenching of her pussy along with her cries of, "Fuck... yes! I'm coming! Come for me!" sent him plummeting over the edge.

A white-hot burst of pleasure washed over him. His hips slammed into hers and he moaned out her name, his teeth seeking her neck, after every spasm of his cock, spilling more and more of himself into her every time her legs pulled him back towards her.

After they laid there panting, her fingers brushing through his hair in her post orgasmic state and she sighed. He rested his head against her shoulder and breathed through his nose.

"What the fuck just happened?"

"Are you complaining?" he asked with a small laugh, his cock twitching and hardening inside of her again.

"No," she answered, flipping them over and rocking against him, her eyes a soft golden color and a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "I'm just getting started."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! 
> 
> First off, I'm SO SORRY that this was a week late. I was very sick last Thursday and I didn't want to do anything. 
> 
> Secondly, you got action and sex so I hope you can forgive me. 
> 
> Thirdly, this chapter is the longest yet totaling at 6500 words. HOLY SHIT! I can't believe this chapter turned out to be that long!
> 
> And last but not least, I hope you enjoyed it!


	10. Over the Waterfall

_"Why do you wear it down when you're with me like this and up when you have no control?"_

_Her green eyes gazed at him, her rose colored lips pulled down at the edges. "I feel free and I've never quite liked it pulled back. Perhaps it's my way of rebelling."_

_Her thigh brushed his naked hip and he nuzzled her neck, inhaling her soft, human fragrance. "I love it like this. All waves, long and soft. It's unlike anything else."_

_She gave him a throaty laugh, her nails scratching his plated back. "I'm fond of your fringe, too."_

_He inhaled the smell of her hair and released a rumbling sigh. "I love the way it tangles with my mandibles when we're like this."_

_"I quite like the look of you with me wrapped around." He growled in response and thrust his hips against hers, her fingers pulling his head down to kiss him with a sigh._

_"Garrus," she moaned quietly, spreading her legs and curling her toes around his spurs while her hand gripped the base of his cock harder every time he pushed into her heat._

_His thrusts became erratic with her whispering against his ear, her lips sucking on the tip of his mandible and the tight clenching of her pussy around him._

_He rubbed her small, engorged pearl and she gasped. Her knees came up, her fingers lightly pulled at her nipples. He watched her face, saw the changes, and Spirits if it didn't make him love her even more when she whispered his name and came, wet and tight, around him._

_"Spirits, Ais--"_

He woke up gasping and with two quick jerks he was spilling himself into his hand. The aftershocks of the orgasm faded and he laid back on his bed wondering, "What the hell was that?"

 

* * *

 

There was a knock on his door and he looked up with curiosity. When he was working he hardly got any visitors.

"Come in," he said. It took him by even more surprise when it was Vakarian who entered with a small smile and a nod. "Garrus? What can I help you with?"

"I can't stop by to see a friend?"

The ease of his tone and the open look of friendship caused a sense of alarm. Lately, Garrus had been cold, distant, and suspicious of him.

"Anytime," Nihlus responded with a smile of his own, masking the nervous tremor in his sub-vocals. Garrus leaned a hip against the desk and crossed his arms over his chest. _Too calm_ , Nihlus thought.

"What's that you're working on?" he asked, nodding towards the console.

"The assignment you gave me."

"Ah, well. Perhaps I should leave you alone then if you're busy." Nihlus bit back the growl of frustration but couldn't contain his sub-vocals. Garrus raised a cool brow.

"Cut the crap. What're you really here for, Garrus?"

Vakarian huffed out a quiet laugh. "You failed to mention that you personally know our illustrious captive. Why hide that?" There was a slight narrowing of his eyes that followed the calm words. Nihlus had to give him credit. He was a good actor.

"Didn't see how it was pertinent at the time, not to mention long ago."

"Whether it was long ago or recent, when I asked for information on her you said nothing. We recently learned from the sister that you had a rather," his mandibles clicked together before feathering back out into a smile, "tawdry relationship with her at Grissom."

Nihlus brought his mandibles close to his jaw and swallowed down the words that threatened to erupt. "I'm not sure what you've heard but I can assure you one thing. It was never anything distasteful."

"Sleeping with a student isn't distasteful?"

"Who said I was sleeping with her?"

Garrus turned the chair in front of Nihlus' desk and sat down, resting his arms on his thighs. "Her sister."

Leave it to Jack to air the dirty laundry. Nihlus leaned back comfortably in his seat. "What, exactly, did she say?"

"According to her, your relationship was out of the norm."

"Have you spoken with Aislinn yet?" Garrus tilted his head, his mandibles fluttering in a widened smile. Nihlus dropped his head back with a quiet laugh. "I see; well played, Garrus."

"I learned from the best."

"I did teach you well, didn't I?" Nihlus asked, his eyes resting on his linked fingers. He looked back up at Garrus with a curious expression. "Why does it matter to you?"

The turian gave a shrug. "Part of the job."

"Not your job though."

"She's my prisoner and therefore I need to know everything about her."

"She is Cerberus' prisoner."

Garrus' fingers drummed a pattern against his leg in irritation. Nihlus leaned forward. "Look Garrus, I know that you don't trust me but I'd tell you anything if you'd ask. If there was something important that you needed to know about Aislinn --"

"Were you in love with her?"

Nihlus blinked and stared at him. "What?"

"Were you in love with her? It's a simple question with a yes or no answer, Nihlus," Garrus rumbled angrily.

This time, it was Nihlus who smiled as he leaned back. "Ah. I think I understand now."

"You understand nothing," Garrus growled through gritted teeth, his one hand clenching into a fist on his thigh.

"The question isn't about me being in love with her, is it?" Garrus didn't answer. "What is your history with her, Garrus?"

"We have no history."

"So what, pray tell, is keeping you up at night? Why the sudden interest in her past love and sex life? Why get angry when I say her name? For someone who has no history, you do play the jealous," Nihlus paused, his eyes focusing on Garrus's face, stance and other little hints, "and jilted lover quite well. Interesting."

Garrus fixed him with a steely look and breathed in deeply for a few moments before settling back into a casual stance. He deflected the question with one of his own. "According to Asim, Saren Arterius has suddenly disappeared into thin air. Where is he?" Nihlus blinked and pulled back, his fingers gripping each other. Garrus gave a small, almost triumphant, laugh. "So I thought."

He pushed away from the desk and stood, looking down on his old mentor and confident. He gave a jerky nod and turned to leave when Nihlus spoke again.

"What keeps you up at night will destroy you until you embrace it, Garrus." The mentioned turian spared him a glance over his shoulder. "Know that things are not always as they seem and those who you believe are your friends, trusted allies, might not be who you think they are and those who you distrust might also be the ones who are most loyal. Even Cerberus has a sordid past and those who hold the reigns know things that you and even I would question."

"Right now, Nihlus, your words and riddles are meaningless so long as you are in bed with the enemy."

With that, Garrus strode out of the room furiously.

 

* * *

 

"Is she able to have visitors?"

The guards cranked out a salute. "Sir, General Alenko is meeting with her. If you wish to speak to her --"

"I can wait, Chief." The guards looked at him curiously when he didn't leave but merely leaned against the wall with arms crossed over his chest.

He went over Nihlus' words again and again, still unable to understand what exactly the slippery bastard was trying to say.

Was he saying that Harper wasn't the man he believed him to be or was he putting doubt where none should be?

He'd known Harper for years and though they weren't exactly friends, he believed that he could trust him. He respected him, admired him even in some aspects.

How would Nihlus know what kept him up at night? Then again, what were those memories? _Are_ they memories? Perhaps they're just dreams but that also didn't make any sense. He had no reason, no desire for her, but the evidence pointed to a dark, empty gnawing hole in his brain.

There were times when he was looking at Ash and for a moment he wished she was another. Another who looked, sounded, and felt like Shepard.

Felt? The thought caught him off guard. How did he know how she feels? Does he know how she feels?

A whisper danced through his mind; a whisper so quiet he almost missed it but so subtle in other ways. A whisper that shouldn't have been there but was. A whisper that said, _Deeper_.

_Deeper, deeper, deeper_. It echoed through his head and bounced along his skull, settling at the forefront and branding itself into his bones.

How deep must he go? Why is it _deeper_?

His thoughts were halted as the door slid open and Alenko walked out briskly, an unusual bounce in his step. Garrus instantly lifted his head and scented the air, inhaling deeply. With a growl he pushed himself from the wall.

Before he knew what he was doing, his arm shot out and his fingers wrapped around Alenko's bicep. The sentinel looked up at him curiously.

"Did she have anything interesting to say?" Garrus asked, mentally cataloguing Alenko's appearance. Tousled hair, flushed cheeks, bruised lips and rumpled clothing. His grip tightened ever so slightly.

"No more than usual. Though she did act a little strange when I mentioned her family."

Garrus relaxed his grip and stepped back. "Strange? What do you mean?"

"I don't know really. She just," he shrugged and shook his head, "froze and stared at me. It was unnerving. Then she changed subjects like nothing happened."

"And then?" Alenko coughed and averted his eyes, a deep flush rising in his cheeks. Garrus beat down the swell of anger and managed to stay calm, relaxed even. "I see," he said with a forced laugh. "How long has that been going on?"

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck. "Not long. I'm not - I don't think she cares the way I do but I feel like I'm getting somewhere with her. Sometimes there's a subtle change in her and I swear I see someone else."

"You believe there is a human underneath the monster?" Alenko gave him a startled look.

"Don't you?"

For a moment Garrus wondered at the expressions that passed over his friend's face. Hurt, betrayal. He was surprised to find them directed at him. "Why would I care?"

Again, Alenko shrugged. "Beats me. It's just that, well, she mentions you frequently. One of the first things she ever asked was why you weren't interrogating her and usually I can't have a single conversation without your name being brought up at least once. Makes a guy wonder, you know?"

"I wouldn't think too much of it, Kaidan. She's dark and twisted and this is nothing but a game to her. Remember that you can't trust her," he said quietly, his own thoughts running rampant when the whisper returned. He turned to head in to her small apartment.

"What are you seeing her for?" Garrus turned and looked at Kaidan who was eyeing him with masked jealousy.

"I need to know what she knows about Nihlus."

Alenko blinked. "Nihlus?" He tilted his head curiously with brows drawn down over his eyes. "Is there something I should know?"

Garrus heaved a sigh and rolled his shoulders. He'd forgotten how close Alenko and Nihlus were. Good friends with a history almost as long as the one he shared with the turian.

"Not really," he said cautiously, gaging his reaction. "Jack mentioned that he was her instructor at Grissom and I just want to know what she knows. If we're lucky she won't even know he works for us."

Alenko smiled and smoothed his jacket. "I see. Good idea, though you had me worried there for a moment."

Garrus pushed out a laugh and clapped him on the shoulder. "I don't think we need to worry about Nihlus," he lied and rather well if he were to admit it.

"Good, good. Well, I'm off to the range with Vega. We still on for poker and drinks tonight with the guys?"

Garrus smiled, his heart constricting at Alenko's desperately hopeful personality. "Wouldn't miss it."

 

* * *

 

She was sitting on her couch with her legs pulled up underneath her and holding a nutrient packet in her hand, eyeing it like it was something from another planet when the door opened. Her brow arched at the sight of him, her lips curling at the edges in a small smile.

His blue eyes met hers and he froze. The smile wasn't the same as the one from his dreams. The smile was cold and calculating not soft and full of emotion. Her silver eyes glittered with a dark light, not the warm green that he dreamed of.

His eyes moved up to her hair which was coiled into an intricate twist. For a brief moment he wished it was long and flowing over her shoulders. The red was dark with almost golden highlights as if her hair had been kissed by the sun many times.

"If you want me naked all you have to do is say so," she said quietly with a small laugh. His eyes jerked back to hers and narrowed.

"Not my type."

She smirked and pushed herself from the couch. She lifted her arms above her head and stretched. Unbidden his eyes followed the movement of her shirt when it lifted, giving a glimpse of the smooth, freckled skin of her abdomen. "You sure about that?" He shifted from one foot to the other. "You seem to be having trouble keeping your eyes on my face, Vakarian. Perhaps Williams isn't all she boasts she is and you feel the need to," she walked up to him, her hand lifting and fingers dancing along his waist, "try new avenues if the scenery needs a bit of change."

He caught her wrist in his hand and turned it palm-side up. His thumb brushed feather like across her inner wrist as he gazed at her hand. Pale and silky accented with long, slender fingers. She felt just the same as she did in his dreams - memories, whatever they were. _Familiar_ , the whisper echoed.

He dropped her hand. "Scenery is just fine."

"So you say but I've been told that before." She stepped back and tilted her head, her silver eyes giving him an up-and-down. She began to circle him with a small smile. "Garrus Vakarian, proud Cerberus Agent - excuse me, General - though longing for the days of when he was a Spectre, running gallantly amongst the stars and black with mentor Nihlus Kryik, master of all things honest and deceptive. But now," she paused and stood in front of him, her silver eyes gazing up at him, "now he's infamous and hates it. Vakarian caught Shepard. Deadliest war machine, Vanguard of our destruction and anything but Human. Though no one knows of her past, for it is a deep, dark, well-kept secret and rumor has it even she doesn't know her past. So why is he coming to see me now after how long?"

"Don't patronize me, Shepard."

She barked out a deep laugh before composing herself, the fake mirth leaving her eyes quickly and sparking with something dangerous. "What do you want from me? Answers? Creator secrets?" Her eyes narrowed. "No, something different. Something only I would know. Something about someone. Someone in Cerberus who you believe is a traitor. Someone close, a friend." She paused and smiled, leaning her hip against the counter. "Nihlus Kryik."

"Very good. I thought I might have to tell you," he said with a slight nod. He mimicked her position. "What do you know about him?"

She heaved a sigh. "Oh, this and that," she replied with a flippant wave her hand. "I think the question is what do you want to know about him since I," she tapped her temple lightly, "know almost everything about him." He gave her an expectant look with raised brow plates and she sighed.

"Is he a traitor or not?"

"Is this on the record or did you short the audio devices in here?" He gave her a small smile. "I see. Well, I've never had dealings with him and to the best of my knowledge he's Cerberus through and through."

"So then what are his ties with Saren?"

She blinked and tightened her jaw. "Saren?"

"Yes. How are they connected?" She shifted and averted her eyes, her long dark lashes a stark contrast with her pale skin.

"They shouldn't be. Saren is," she glanced back at him, "one of our best and he wouldn't sully his reputation with someone like Nihlus."

"No? Then why would you?"

"I'm sorry?" she asked, her eyes narrowing slightly.

"Rumor has it, you had quite an affair with Nihlus while you attended Grissom," he smirked. Her lips thinned. "Sleeping with an instructor? Not exactly a vanguard of our destruction I think."

She stared at him, her eyes not blinking, her body not moving as if she had suddenly turned to stone. He had to glance at her chest to ensure she was still breathing. Was this what Kaidan had spoken of? Her sudden freezing?

He took a tentative step forward. "Shepard?" She continued her frozen stare, her eyes glazing over. Carefully he lifted a hand and pressed his palm against her shoulder with a squeeze. "Shepard?" he asked again, a little more firmly than the last.

Her eyes flashed green and she backed up, holding her hands in front of her and shaking her head. "No, no, no!" she cried, her bright eyes filling with unshed tears. His hand was frozen in midair as he looked at her, his brain running to catch up. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me. Saren wasn't my choice." Her palms pressed against the side of her head, her eyes scrunched in pain. "Don't do this."

"Don't do what, Shepard?"

Her mouth pulled down at the corners and she gave him a look as if he had slapped her before shaking herself and continuing her nonsense babbling. "Don't ask questions she can't answer. Oh, God, it hurts. It hurts!" she whispered through gritted teeth, leaning her weight against the counter. "I don't - I can't, dammit!" Her eyes met his with a steely resolve, her bright green, the color from his dreams, burning into his. "You can't bring up the past. Not now, not ever. You have to let sleeping dogs lie. Don't awaken something you can't deal with."

"Shepard, what? What're talking about?" he asked, taking a step forward and reaching out a hand. He wasn't sure what he was going to do but the whisper urged him forward.

"Don't touch me," she whispered, taking a step back. Her back hit the wall and she stared at him. "I'm - I can't... no-not again..."

His hand reached up, his fingers threading through her hair. He cupped the back of her head and the whole time he felt as if he was watching himself do the motions from the outside. He tilted her head up, his other hand pulling the elastic from her hair.

Her hair cascaded down her shoulders but it barely registered as he was so focused on her eyes. _Yours_ , the whisper said.

Tears streamed down her cheeks when he bent his head and pressed his lips against hers, a sigh erupting from him. He couldn't think, he couldn't breathe - the whisper was blacking out all thought and sound and body movement.

Her arms wrapped around his neck, his arm encircled her small waist and all he could concentrate on was how _right_ it felt.

Suddenly, she was pushing him away and she was looking at him with silver eyes. "The hell, Vakarian? Thought you said I wasn’t your type?"

He stood there staring at her, his mind running through everything that had just happened. He mumbled something almost incoherent and turned, not really focusing on where he was going or really caring. He turned left out of the door and headed in the general direction of his apartment and the whole time he kept wondering the same thing.

_What the hell just happened?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry about the long update and the cliffhanger (not really) but the long update was due to the fact that since I'll be working two jobs now I'll have to go to bi-weekly updates on Thursdays. I was also in Houston this last week for my father's shoulder surgery. 
> 
> Anywho! 
> 
> I really hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! :D


	11. Requiem For a Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The instrumental song [Requiem For a Dream](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLJllk-0o6c) by Lux Aeterna was a major inspiration for this chapter. I urge you to listen to it while you read.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feels. So many feels. 
> 
> I'm sorry.

“You’re positive that they’ll believe the list is genuine?”

Asim gave Benezia a look which said how dare she ask him such a question. “I’m head of the intel department. I know what to look for and how to fake it.”

“I do not want Harper’s goons swooping in while I’m there with her," she said, smoothing the front of her yellow shirt. "That would not be in anyone's best interests."

Asim turned back towards his console. "Unless Harper goes and looks at the list, there is nothing to worry about. I fixed it so he won't even get an email letting him know of the changes."

"Good." She tilted her head and looked at him. "Have you seen her yet?"

His eyes met hers before he looked away, his lips pulling down in a frown. "No, not yet." He pushed a holo around on his desk. "I don't think that would be a good idea. She's unstable at best and showing up after almost fifteen years is not something I want to do."

She gazed at him sadly. "You don't think it would help her?"

"How would that help her?" he snapped before sighing and resting his head in his hands. "I'm sorry. I just think it's better this way. It could have an even worse side effect."

"Jack keeps trying," she pointed out.

"That's different. She's always been there for her. I haven't."

"Do you even know what she's become? What she's done?" Benezia asked angrily. She swept her arm towards the door. "She ruined your best friend's face because you and I weren't there for her but now we can be, and you're just going to sit there?"

"What do you want me to do, Benezia?" he cried furiously, pushing out of his chair. "Go and tell her that I'm alive and I've been watching them for fifteen years? You really think that would make things better?"

"You're her _brother_ , John! You have an obligation to set things right. Tell her the truth about what really happened! I saw what she and Jack both went through when you left and they thought you'd died like their father. You're a coward," she hissed.

"I'm a coward for leaving to try and protect them?" He gaped at her, his body tense and alight with the hue of his biotics. "Do you know what I went through? Do you have any idea how hard it was to walk away from my family and tell myself that I was doing it for them, for her and Jack?" His biotics faded and he ran a hand over his face. "I hated myself. Every damn day I wonder if things would have turned out differently for them if I had stayed. Maybe I could have prevented our mother's death or hidden them away and Aislinn wouldn't be a fucked up killing machine and Jack wouldn't have had to deal with it alone." He looked at her again. "But don't tell me that I was a coward. The things that I had to do to for Cerberus in exchange for being able to keep a watchful eye on them are things that I hate Cerberus and myself for, but they're alive and I'd do it again if I had to."

She watched him sadly, her heart aching for him and his sisters. "I'm sorry. It was wrong of me to say that." He shook it off with a shrug.

"Doesn't matter."

"John --"

"Look, maybe you're right, but I'd die if seeing me pushed her deeper and farther from us. I want her to get better and I'm not willing to take that small a chance that it might work."

She nodded and though she still felt he should, she knew better than to press the issue. "I understand."

He looked at the time and let out a deep sigh. "I need to get back to it. I'm still analyzing all the intel EDI and Legion pulled from the base they were in. So," he looked at her, "are we finished?"

She nodded and turned away, giving one last glance over her shoulder in his direction before she walked out the door.

 

* * *

 

 

She smiled at the guards as the stepped to the side after verifying that she was indeed on the list of approved visitors.

The door slid open and she stepped inside quietly, squinting against the dark to try and find her way. She didn't hear anything, so she assumed that Shepard was sleeping and made her way towards the bedroom.

Aislinn was sprawled out on the bed, the sheets tangled around her waist and her hair falling over her face. She was snoring softly and she shifted as Benezia drew closer.

She looked so peaceful, but it was deceiving because Benezia knew better. She leaned over, softly pushing the hair out of the sleeping woman's face, and pressed a kiss to Shepard's brow.

"I'm sorry I couldn't stay at Grissom and watch over you," she whispered, her fingers sliding through Aislinn's tangled mass of waves. "I know your mother was furious with Harper but at least I'm here now and I'll do everything I can to bring you back to us. Your mother would be saddened by what's happened to you, to Jack, and even to John." She sighed and pulled the covers up and around Shepard's shoulders. "So I'll do what she entrusted me to do and fulfill her wishes."

Carefully she sat next to Aislinn, who grunted and moved over. She'd been hoping that Shepard would be awake but Benezia didn't have the heart to wake her so she sat there, gazing at the sleeping woman who she'd thought of as her own for many years.

Perhaps she could... no, that was a severe invasion of privacy, and Benezia was mortified that the thought had even crossed her mind. Though, the more she thought about it, the more appealing the idea became .

Shepard was sleeping and Benezia doubted that she'd even know her mind had been invaded. The asari chewed her lip and gulped down the pain that swelled in her. If it could help, was it really such a monstrous idea? She certainly didn’t believe that anymore harm could come from it.

She squeezed her eyes shut against the hot tears that threatened to spill over and swallowed down the indecision.

She took a deep breath, reached out her hand and took Shepard’s thinner one in hers. “Talk to me,” she whispered, leaning over and pressing her lips against the redhead’s temple. She pulled back and exhaled deeply. “Embrace eternity.”

Thousands of images flashed through her mind.

_People dying. People dead. People Shepard killed. Cities destroyed because of Shepard’s orders._

_No remorse._

_No feeling._

_No sorrow._

_No regret._

_Blood, delicious blood. Blood of the enemy._

_Sweltering, syrupy and cascading. She could bathe in it. She_ wanted _to bathe in it._

_Shepard laughing at the dead. Shepard kicking the dead. Shepard pulling out her shotgun, pressing it against a crying man’s forehead and pulling the trigger with a smile._

_“Benezia?” a voice whispered softly. So quiet she almost didn’t hear it as she drowned in the images. “Is that you?”_

She tried to call out, to latch onto a memory and hold on but she missed her grip and kept falling deeper in Shepard’s memories.

_“You shouldn’t have done this,” the voice scolded vehemently. “You should have stayed away. It was better that way.”_

_Shepard was standing over the body of a child, her head tilted with a curious expression before bending down and snapping its neck._

_“Why are you here?” the voice cried angrily._

_She was standing in black. Red, blue, violet, and green covered the ground. Her eyes swept the ground covered with dead bodies three stories high. The stench forced her to lean over and dry heave, tears smarting the backs of her eyes._

_Shepard was standing in front of her, palms on her hips with fury blazing through her green eyes. “Why Benezia? Why here?” she shouted, her hand sweeping towards the millions of dead. “Why now?”_

_Shepard turned away, her expression grim as Benezia reached out a hand to her, sobbing. Shepard turned cold, silver eyes on her over her shoulder. “You did this to yourself. I can’t help you.” Shepard laughed. Cold, high-pitched, and awful. It was her nightmare coming to fruition._

She kept falling, her fingers grappling for any solid item but they kept sliding through her hands equivalent to liquid.

_"You think you can save me," the voice whispered. "I thought I could save myself. Look at what I've done."_

_So much blood. She could swim through it._

_Shepard was crouched in front of a puddle of water. She reached out a hand slowly, dipped her fingers into the viscous liquid, pulled her fingers back against her lips and darted her tongue out to taste it. Turian. Fresh. Not from Palaven. Shepard licked her lips, her eyes narrowing and zeroed in on a crate. "There," she pointed._

_Benezia screamed when they dragged the turian out by the fringe, his body flailing. Shepard turned her head, her teeth biting down on her bottom lip._

_"Stop! Stop this!"  the voice screamed._

_Shepard appeared, her silver eyes boring into Benezia's blue. "Don't you understand you can't stop this? You said so yourself.” Benezia shook her head and tried to argue but the words were stuck deep in her throat. Shepard tipped her head back and gave vent to a barking cry of a laugh, her eyes flashing. “You said you’d help me. You_ promised. _You failed. You lied.” Benezia sobbed. She tossed herself on the ground at Shepard’s feet. “You failed_ her _. Now look at me!” she cried, turning in a circle and extending her arms outwards._

_“Some mentor,” Shepard scoffed, releasing a high-pitched maniacal laugh._

_“It would’ve been better if you’d never come,” the voice demanded in broken tones of shadowed whispers. “I can handle this. I’ve_ been _handling this.”_

_Aislinn appeared in front of her, long red-hair blowing in the absence of wind; her hands cupping each side of Benezia’s face. "Why are you here?"_

_"To make things better," she bawled, her arms wrapping around her waist. She had to get the vision of the turian out of her mind._

_Aislinn whipped around angrily, fury tightening the edges of her lips and flames dancing in her eyes. “_ Will _this help?”_

_Benezia looked up and met Aislinn’s green gaze, white-hot tears cascading over her lids and seering her blue skin. The girl - the woman - that she had watched grow up was damaged, beaten, and trying to maintain a semblance of control. Aislinn crouched in front of her, running her hands up and down her thighs in an agitated manner._

_"Perhaps it will help, but time is not on our side. We - all of us - are running on borrowed time," she sighed and bent forward, her face mere centimeters from Benezia's. "I did as you instructed, listened to every word you spoke but it wasn't enough. Nothing, no amount of meditation or willpower, was enough to overcome what I've become."_

_"You can still fight," Benezia choked out. Aislinn sat back, her arms wrapping around her knees. She turned a grim eye on the asari._

_"Fight? All I have ever done is_ fight _. How much strength is in a person, how much pain can someone endure before you have to let go and succumb to something that is infinitely more powerful than yourself?"  She looked off towards the distance at the rolling silver hills and purple colored sky. "It's time for you to leave."_

_"Aislinn -"_

_"You've spent too much time here already."_

_"I just --"_

_"Want to help, I know. I appreciate it but," she turned liquid eyes towards Benezia, "whatever happens, keep faith. For me. I don't want to give up, but I am so_ tired _." She looked back at the hills. "You can't give up. You have to be strong for Jack, for Liara and everyone else."_

_"We can help you," Benezia whispered, her voice sounding too loud in the silence of the superficial calm. Aislinn smiled. Her lips pulled up softly at the edges, her eyes crinkling at the corners and she took Benezia's hand in hers._

_"Give Jack and," she sucked in a deep breath, her emerald eyes bright with unshed tears, "Garrus my eternal love. Tell them that no matter what I've done or who I've become or what happens going forward that I have loved them and I always will."_

_“I’ll tell them. I’ll tell him.”_

Benezia pulled back sharply, tears streaming down her face and gazed at the still sleeping woman. Slowly, the wrinkles on Shepard's face smoothed out and she started snoring quietly.

She stood up and walked out of the room, her heart in shattered fragments. The door slid open and she barely glanced at the barefaced turian who waited outside Aislinn's door, her mind too occupied with what had just transpired.

 

* * *

 

 

"Benezia?" Garrus asked with a brief knock before offering her a smile and stepping into her office.

Her eyes widened in brief panic before she could stop herself. He gave her a curious tilt of the head. "Garrus," she forced out in fake calm and a smile. "What can I do for you?"

 _They know! Harper sent him. They found out,_ she thought frantically.

He pressed the panel and the door slid shut. He turned back to her and heaved a sigh, his shoulders sagging and he ran a tired hand over his fringe. "I have some questions and I can't go to anyone else," he said flatly. He shook his head. "I don't need Harper watching my every move and you, well, hopefully you can give me what I'm looking for."

She relaxed and nodded, gesturing towards the chair in front of her desk. "What's wrong?"

Garrus gripped the back of the chair and offered her a pained expression, his long fingers tightening on the leather seat. "I don't know." He swung it around and sat down, resting his forehead on his arms with sigh. When he lifted his head again, her heart broke for the turian.

She couldn’t say that she was close with Garrus, but she had known him for a very long time. She was there when he was recruited into Cerberus, she was there when Shepard mangled his face, she was there when he broke off his engagement with Williams and she was there when… well, she didn’t like to think about that.

To this day it still gave her nightmares and in her sleep she could hear his frantic screams, the desperate high-pitched keen from his sub-vocals and the absolute look of betrayal on his face when Harper laid his hand on his shoulder.

_“You?” he choked out, his eyes wide and his arms desperately pulling at the restraints. Harper glanced away, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. Benezia had to squeeze her eyes shut at the beaten expression on Garrus’ face. “No, you can’t!”_

_“She asked me to do this. It’s for your own good,” Harper explained calmly, though a hint of desperation for Garrus to understand crept at the edges of his voice. It had to be done. She hated it herself, but she knew it was necessary and who were they to refuse?_

_“Sh-she would_ never _do that,” Garrus hissed, jerking his body upwards and trying to get his face as close to Harper’s as possible. "You have no idea --"_

_“I’m sorry, Vakarian. It’s her only wish.”_

_“You’re lying!” he growled, snapping his jaws in outrage. "She wouldn't have!"_

_Harper closed his eyes and for an instant Benezia thought that he might stop, but instead he turned from Garrus, his jaw squared with determination, and gave a slow nod towards Legion. “Do it.”_

_Legion nodded and pressed his hand against the green button._

“What do you know of indoctrination?” he asked, startling her from her thoughts.

She cocked her head to the side, her eyes narrowing and her brows coming down over her eyes. “Why?” she inquired slowly.

“Does it suppress older memories that you might have had at one point?”

She blinked at him, willing herself to not let her gaze falter as the implications of what he was saying washed over her.

_He was remembering._

She felt as if someone had taken a bucket of icy water and dumped in on her and there was no heater, no blanket or towel to warm her suddenly chilled bones. “No, that’s not how it works,” she finally managed to work out of her dry throat.

He stared at her as if he could read her mind and find truth in her words. “How are you so certain?”

She sat forward, linking her fingers tightly together in her lap and looked down towards her desk. “I have firsthand experience, but more importantly I dealt with someone who was slowly being indoctrinated.”

“Who?”

Her eyes met his. “Shepard.” He visibly jerked, clearly shocked by this admission. “If you really believe that you’re being indoctrinated, and I can assure that you’re not, I have vids of when Shepard came to me over the course of a few years while she attended Grissom.” His brow-plates drew together. “Are you interested?”

He hesitated, a thousand questions flitting over his face before he gave a quick, jerky nod. “Yes.”

 

* * *

 

 

Benzia popped an osd into her console, her fingers shaking slightly but he didn’t comment. Instead, he frowned as she queued up the first vid. “What were you to her?”

“Instructor, boss, and mentor,” she answered quietly, swallowing quickly. “I taught her the basics of her biotics and she was so gifted. I’ve never seen a human with biotics so strong at her age. She could do things that others wished they could do,” she said quietly with a small, proud smile. She gestured at the vid. “It’s ready. Are you?”

The look she gave him sent a tingle of anxiety down his spine. Not trusting his voice, he nodded.

 _“Lady Benezia!”_ cried a young, happy red-headed girl with bright green eyes and a smile that rivaled even the prettiest sunsets on Palaven.

Benezia returned the smile, albeit a dying ember smile compared to the girl, and her eyes crinkled. _“How are you?”_

 _“Alright,”_ the girl said after a moment of hesitation. Her shoulders shrinking in and her face scrunching up. _“I feel fine except that sometimes I’m a little off my game.”_ She shrugged. _“I don’t know really and it’s kind of hard to explain.”_

_"Are you struggling with your biotics?"_

_"Not really. When mom lets us, Jack and I practice some of the things we learned, but sometimes I feel like I'm not really myself."_

Benezia stared at the girl for a long moment before smiling. _"Perhaps between your studies and work, you're just tired."_

Shepard gave her a bright smile with an enthusiastic nod. _"Yeah! That makes total sense."_

The vid ended and Garrus looked at the asari. "The beginnings of indoctrination?"

She gave him a small nod and shifted in her seat. "That's what I thought but I wasn't certain. It started slow and just grew and grew and grew. Once indoctrination starts, there really isn't anything you can do except remove them from everything. Her mother didn't want to do that though. She wanted Aislinn to try and have a normal life. She thought with Jack, school, and myself, along with Nihlus, that she had a chance."

"Naive," he murmured. She gave him a look of disapproval that strongly reminded him of his own mother.

"What would you do? Send your daughter or son off to some underground bunker in isolation for the rest of their lives with no contact and with the possibility of never seeing them again? Or would you try and help them by being there and paying attention?" She shook her head. "You've never had the privilege of being a parent, Garrus. You wouldn't understand how hard that decision is."

He jerked his chin towards the console. "Anything else?" She nodded and pulled a handful of osds out of her desk, laid them down and looked at him.

"Things got progressively worse the older she got and the more time she spent at Grissom. I want to warn you that some of these are... hard to watch. Are you sure you want to continue?"

He hesitated for a brief moment before nodding and leaning closer to the console. She picked one up and slid it into the console.

Shepard appeared on the screen, a little bit older but not much. She was once again sitting in the same spot but this time she was frowning.

 _"What's the matter?"_ Benezia asked, her body angled forward to look at Shepard's face.

 _"I don't know,"_ the teenage version of the vanguard said quietly. She heaved a sigh and shrugged. _"You ever have the feeling that sometimes there's something guiding you or pushing you towards something?"_

_"Sometimes, but I've always tried to follow the path of the Goddess."_

_"No, not like that,"_ the girl said with a shake of her head. _"Nothing spiritual. It's - I don't know how to explain it."_ She paused, her fingers gripping each other in her lap. Slowly she raised her eyes to gaze at Benezia.

Garrus jerked at her eyes. Still a vibrant, beautiful green but there was an unmistakable silver glint to them. He glanced at Benezia who gave him a nod in silent understanding.

_"I - sometimes I hear whispers."_

_"Whispers?"_ Benezia's face paled and she swallowed. Shepard nodded and blew out a shaky breath, her eyes dropping back down to her lap.

 _"Yeah, like... a little voice in the back of my mind. Today, Jack and I had an argument about the Creators and I --"_ she suddenly stopped herself and shook her head as if to rid something from her mind. _"I had a feeling, an_ urge _to hurt her because of a feeling. Because the whisper told me too."_

Benezia's image froze and she stared at the girl for a long moment. _"How often do you hear these whispers?"_

_"Every now and then, but when I get upset they get worse. Like today with Jack."_

_"What, exactly, was the argument about?"_

The young version of Shepard sighed and tugged at her loose bun causing strands to slip, framing her face. _"I was... I don't know why I was trying to convince everyone that the Creators are not all bad because I know they are. Jack made fun of me in front of everyone and I lost it. Parts are fuzzy,"_ she said softly, scrubbing a hand over her face. _"I knew what she was saying was true but the whisper kept telling me what to say and for a moment... for moment I believed it. I_ wanted _it to be true._

 _"After class Jack asked me what my problem was and I got so angry that for a moment I almost lost control. She showed me a vid if what was happening on a planet far out in what was the Terminus System. There was a boy, no more than six or seven, and he was missing his hand when he came out of the smoke. When he looked at the camera I-I felt like he was looking at_ me _and it frightened me so badly. I told Jack that what she was saying was blasphemy but I never even thought it. The words just popped out._

 _"Then something happened. She said something about HBTP and I blacked out for a moment. When I came back to myself she was staring at me like I had suddenly morphed into a hanar. Am I- am I going crazy?"_ she finally asked, her eyes lifting to meet Benezia's.

The asari gripped the girl's hand and gave her a strained smile. _"No, dove, you're not crazy. I need to do some research on this but perhaps it's just stress with exams next week and working. Why don't you take the day off and get some rest?"_

Shepard frowned, her eyes narrowing slightly but nodded after a moment. _"If you're sure."_

 _"I'm sure,"_ Benezia said, patting her hands.

The vid ended and Benezia sighed. She ran her index fingers under her eyes to wipe her tears.

"When was that?"

Benezia cleared her throat and took a deep breath. "This was in twenty-one sixty-eight so she was... fourteen."

Garrus closed his eyes and shook his head. "She was a _child_ ," he growled.

"When she was fifteen her indoctrination was complete and I barely saw her except for one time, right before her sixteenth birthday. I would like to show you that last vid, if you are up to it."

Part of him screamed that he didn't want to see it based off the look Benezia was giving him but the other part, the one that wanted - _needed_ \- answers nodded at her.

She hesitated before grabbing the last osd, her fingers trembling. Quickly he grabbed her hand and squeezed. She gave him a soft smile. "I haven't been able to watch this one in years. It's- it's horrible, Garrus," she whispered, her voice shaking. Her tone sent an icy needle straight through his heart.

"I want to watch it. I need to understand this and perhaps I'll understand her, Shepard," he paused and swallowed, forcing the name out of his lips and ignoring how right it felt on his tongue, " _Aislinn_ better. I know you and Jack want to help her."

 _And you_ , the whisper, so much like an almost silent wind, said. He ignored it and pushed it away though his heart thumped against his chest.

Benezia pulled her hand out of his grasp and inserted the last osd. Before she hit play she spoke again. "There is another osd where she called the whisper a creature but that one has long since been lost. It's brought up and I wanted to tell you so there was no confusion." He nodded and she pressed the button, the screen coming to life.

The vid started with Shepard sitting in the same chair as the other vids. He noticed dark, purple circles under her eyes and the almost complete silver of her irises.

 _"I haven't seen you in awhile outside of class,"_ Benezia said.

Shepard grimaced. Her eyes looked hollow and her face was thinner. No child should ever look that beaten. _"I need to talk to someone."_

 _“I just…”_ Shepard swallowed, bowing her head. _“I feel like I’m losing control. Like I’m losing myself.”_ She sighed and swiped at the tears on her cheeks. _“At first it was just a couple hours a day and I thought that maybe I was just getting sick or blacking out.” S_ he drew in a sharp intake of breath and looked upwards, blinking rapidly. _“But now I don’t know.”_

 _“What is happening, Aislinn? Talk to me,”_ Benezia pressed firmly, scooting up in her seat to grab Shepard’s hand and grip her fingers.

 _“I don’t know!”_ the girl wailed, tossing her head back and sobbing so heavily her body shook from the force.

Garrus felt his heart ache for the her and simultaneously anger bubbled up inside of him that the Creators would put a girl, _a child_ , through that amount of pain and claim it was for the greater good. He shook his head and continued watching the video.

 _“Talk to_ me _. I can’t help you if I don’t understand.”_

Shepard gave her a shrewd glare beneath the tears before her face crumpled and she gripped the sides of her head in her hands with a vice-like grip. _“I feel like something is taking over my brain. Like there is this-this_ creature _hauled up inside and it keeps plucking at my strings, making me do things.”_ She lifted her head and gazed sadly at Benezia. _“People say that I’ve said things._ Done _things.”_ She bowed her head and sighed. _“Things that I’d never say and that I’d never, in a million years, even think about doing. I feel like I am losing myself."_

_"Is this the same creature we've talked about before?"_

Shepard nodded, swiping at her tears  and released a shaky breath _. "At first I was only losing a few minutes but then it turned into hours and then days and now,"_ she sucked in a breath, _"now I'm losing weeks at a time."_

There was silence. Benezia's eyes never left the poor girl. When Shepard spoke again her voice was quiet, barely above a whisper. _"Sometimes I can see myself doing things like I'm watching from the outside. I hear some of the things that come out of my mouth and inside I'm screaming but I feel as if I'm pounding against glass and no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I can't break through._

_"After I come back from these blackouts I don't remember anything. I apparently have a boyfriend but I have no idea what kind of person he is. He told me that we've... done... things and I felt sick to my stomach. How can I not remember having sex with someone? Or dating someone? What's happening to me?"_

She slumped forward and started sobbing, her body shaking. Her arms wound around her middle and she rocked herself. _"This thing is taking over my mind and my body and I-I'm powerless. I feel so weak, so tired. I can't keep fighting it off!" she cried. "Oh God, is this what happened to Dad? Did he lose control like me?"_ She turned horrified eyes on Benezia and gripped her hands. _"You have to help me! What is happening to me?"_

Benzia pulled her towards her in a tight hug and stroked her hair. She swallowed and blinked back her own tears. _"Aislinn,"_ she whispered, gripping the girl tightly and inhaled sharply. _"I'm so sorry this is happening to you."_

 _"What is it?"_ she sobbed, burying her face in Benezia's shoulder.

_"You're being indoctrinated."_

Shepard pulled back and stared with wide, green eyes at the asari. _"That's -- how? I'm never around the Creators."_

Benezia shook her head and brushed the hair out of Shepard's face. _"But we are. All the time. They're always around us."_ Shepard continued to stare at her; her lower lip quivered and her eyes were bright with unshed tears.

 _"I'd rather die than be turned into a monster like my father,"_ Shepard said with such finality it made Garrus cringe.

_"You won't. I promise."_

_"Promises, promises,"_  the girl whispered, her silver eyes lifting and meeting Benezia's. _"Everyone promises something and most times it can't be kept. How? How can you help me?"_

Benezia froze and her mouth opened then closed a few times before answering. _"I'll teach you how to control it."_

Shepard looked down at her hands that were fisted in her shirt. Her shoulders sagged and when she drew in a breath it was uneven. _"And if it can't be controlled? What then? What happens if I get sent to HBTP and I come out a war machine, killing everything and anyone who opposes the Creators?"_ When Benezia couldn't answer the girl laughed. It was a deep, dark laugh.

She continued to laugh until she started sobbing again. _"Aislinn,"_ Benezia whispered.

 _"I hate them. I hate all of them!"_ Shepard screamed, jumping up from her seat and swiping her hand across Benezia's desk. _"Why me? They've taken_ everything _from me!"_

She continued to scream until her voice went hoarse and she collapsed into sobs. Benezia pulled her into her arms, stroking her hair and whispering in her ear. _"We can beat this. We can. I can help you."_

Aislinn pulled back and looked at her. _"Promise me that if I turn into a monster you'll end it for me."_

_"I--"_

_"Promise me, Lady Benezia! I need you to do that for me."_

Garrus turned his eyes from the vid and clenched his hand on his thigh, anger sizzling hot as the sun coursing through his veins. “No more,” he ground out from behind clenched teeth.

Quickly he stood up, running a hand over his fringe, and turned. "How can they do that to a young girl?" he asked, mostly talking to himself. He looked down at Benezia. "You never were able to help her." It wasn't a question, not really, but more of a cold accusation born out of anger and hatred for the Creators. He pointed towards the vid. "If it was that bad before she was even sixteen why didn't you or _anyone_ do something about it?"

"Her mother refused. There was nothing we could do, Garrus." He stared at her. "Not long after this, Harper called me and ordered me back. I fought to the best of my abilities and he shut me down. He took all access from me. I was unable to even contact her. Nihlus was the one left to help her, guide her."

"He failed and she is a monster."

"There is still hope for her," Benezia argued. "I left against my wishes and have hated Harper for years because of it. I refuse to believe she can't be saved."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter took a month to be ready but it was a hard one to write. I debated so much on the content and whether or not I should post this one, but in the end I think it's a good chapter with some much needed answers to probably a lot of questions. 
> 
> And it also turned out to be a super long chapter. Holy crap. 
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> I hope you guys look forward to the next chapter in a few weeks!


	12. Illumination

The door opened and the turian strode in, ignoring the guards, and brought up his omni-tool. From there he could see the outline of her shape in the bed. Temptation surged but he squashed it quickly. That was not why he was there.

Quietly he made his way to a small desk that was shoved into a corner of the small apartment and began searching the drawers. She would have managed to keep it safe, hidden even during her capture or so he hoped.

The desk yielded nothing but empty data-pads and superficial handwritten notes in the standard human language. He sighed and looked around the room. She would have stored it where no one else would look.

Once again, his eyes strayed to her still form on the bed. Perhaps the one place they wouldn't look would be on her person. That certainly changed things.

He stood frozen, internally debating with himself, before finally forcing his feet to move and carry him into her room.

The yellow light from his omni-tool bathed her softly and made her look small, breakable. He knew that wasn't true though. She was strong, powerful and deadly. It was one of many reasons he loved her. Had loved her, he reminded his betraying heart.

He walked close to the edge of the bed and gazed down at her. She was on her side with one arm tucked under her pillow and the other reaching out with her fingers curled in the sheets. Her breath was soft and her hair spilled over her pillow and shoulders like a beautiful red kantheta while it bloomed in the summer of Palaven's forests.

Gently he ran the back of his talon across her cheek, over the curve of her ear and down the back of her neck. Her flesh pebbled and she shifted with a soft moan. He felt his plates begin to soften and spread.

He needed to contain himself. He was here for the data. It was not supposed to be a pleasant, passion filled visit.

He stepped back, keyed in a code on his omni-tool and lifted his arm. When he looked down again she was staring up at him with her silver eyes, not the same green-silvered shine he'd fallen in love with, and a smile on her rosy lips.

"I should have known you'd find a way to see me," she whispered.

Spirits, her voice was like satin on his ears and her smile was the warmth of summer against his plates. "I'm here for the data," he said instead of what he really wanted to say.

She arched amused brows at him, her smile never faltering. "Of course you are." She sat up, the sheets falling down to hug her hips and he felt his cock throb behind his spreading plates.

"I need the data that you stole."

She lifted herself and knelt on her knees in front of him, her head tilted and her hand reaching up to run her thumb of his plated cheek. Velvet on leather. "The data is about me and the Creator plans in case I die. By rights, the data is mine and I stole nothing."

His eyes met her silver ones, her hand caressing his mandible and sliding back towards his neck. He suppressed the shudder of pleasure that coursed through him. "Shepard," he growled warningly.

"You'll never find it. No one will." She pulled her hand back and instantly he missed her touch. He'd been without her for so long. "Now, if that's everything, then I suggest you leave since you claim to have no other business here aside from the data I won't give you." She began to lean back when he shot out his arm and wrapped his hand around her wrist. Her jerked her to him, his other hand fisting in her hair and forced her head back.

"Give me that data," he hissed, his mouth inches from hers.

She laughed. "Or what? You'll hurt me?"

"If I have to."

"That's not your style." She leaned closer until her lips brushed his when she spoke. "Besides, all I have to do is yell for the guards, tell them who you are and Cerberus would put all their sorry, little trust in me. Ignorant fools."

He tightened his grip in her hair and crushed her lips with his own. Her arms snaked around his neck, her nails digging into the sensitive skin under his fringe.

He wrenched her head back suddenly and with a growl he pushed her away from him. "You stink of a human male," he ground out.

"Of course I do. I have to keep the short-sighted sentinel happy and play his game to earn his trust. What better way than pretending to care and let him fuck me?" she asked, laying back on the bed and using her elbows to prop her up. The position thrust her breasts up and beneath the tight top she wore her nipples strained against the fabric. She smiled at him, her legs falling open and he caught a glimpse of bare flesh under her shorts. "It used to make you hot for me."

"People change."

"What a shame."

He turned and began searching through the dresser, giving brief pause and cursory glance over a highly encrypted data-pad. Odd. "Why?"

"Change doesn't suit you," she said quietly. "You might as well give up. It's not in there or anywhere else you might look. Only I know where it is."

He let loose a string of curses and a frustrated growl. He turned back to her and gripped her ankle, dragging her across the bed and towards him. Her fingers grappled to hold onto the sheets. "Tell me where it is," he said furiously as he wrapped his hand around her throat and lifted her.

"Over my dead body," she hissed through clenched teeth. "You're a traitor."

He blinked at her, his grip loosening. "What? How am --" She took that opportunity to grab his shoulders and flip them so she was on top, her fingers holding his mandible and her knees pressed against his waist.

"Don't play that game with me. I'm much better at it." She tightened her hold on his mandible when she leaned down and pressed her lips against his ear. "You've been naughty. I might be fucking Alenko but you've fallen in and keep swimming."

Carefully she let go of his face and pulled back. Her hands splayed over his chest and he gave her a look of confusion. She met his look with a skeptical one of her own.

"I assure you that--"

"Stop talking," she murmured, rolling her hips above his. She crossed her arms over her body and took hold of her shirt, pulling it over her head and tossed it.

His eyes fell to the soft swell of her breasts and perky nipples. Deftly her fingers undid the clasps on his tunic. Her fingers trailed over his plates and thick skin. Where her hands missed, her mouth touched. She trailed her tongue over his chest and down his abdomen. She placed a kiss directly above his pants and hid her smile when he groaned.

"How far you have fallen since you left my side," she murmured as her fingers pulled at his button and slid his zipper down.

He leaned up onto his elbows and looked down at her. "That was not my choice."

"Perhaps." He helped her by lifting his hips when she tugged on his trousers. She pulled them down and off as he shed his tunic.

His cock sprang free. She gripped the base with her hand and ran her tongue along the length of him with a hum. He groaned, the muscles in his stomach tightening when she swirled the tip of her tongue around the head of his cock.

"Spirits," he moaned, letting his head fall back when she took the head into her mouth and sucked.

She pressed closer to him, her hand holding the base of his erection, and pushed her head down until her lips touched her fingers.

She swallowed and hummed at his curse. He bucked into her mouth and fisted his hand in her hair. She hollowed her cheeks and started bobbing her head in time with his tugging.

Getting far too close, he jerked her back. She laughed and crawled up his body, shedding her shorts in the process. "I'm doing what's necessary," he grunted, pulling her up and positioning her hips over his.

"You've been slumming it with Nihlus," she whispered against his ear as she took his length inside of her. She moaned quietly when his rough hands gripped her rear and thigh, squeezing so tightly she'd have bruises.

He grunted, using his hands to lift her up and thrust inside of her. Her words sunk in and he froze, his eyes meeting her silver ones. "Who told you this... information?"

"Vakarian," she murmured against his lips, continuing her slow pace. She whimpered, rolling her hips to coax him. When he didn't move she pulled back with a frown and rested her hands on his chest. "Don't be a tease, Saren."

"Vakarian? Which Vakarian?"

Giving a frustrated sigh she moved off of him and sat cross legged on the bed, running her hands through her hair and tying it in a knot. "Garrus. I highly doubt Daddy Vakarian would be caught dead with Cerberus."

Saren pushed himself up, dressed and began pacing in front of the bed. "What else does Vakarian know?" he asked, briefly meeting her gaze.

She shrugged, her breasts bouncing, and gave him a bored expression. "I have no idea. Which is driving me insane. I hate not having information." She tilted her head at him, eyes narrowed and the tip of her tongue pressed against her upper lip. "Why side with them? When Vakarian told me, I didn't believe him. How could you do that?"

He sighed and stopped his pacing to look at her. "Orders."

She scoffed. "Blow me. You can do better than that."

"Why did you let yourself get captured?" he countered. Turn the tables, stop the questions. She froze. Ah, yes.

"I didn't _let_ myself get captured. I was ambushed. By Jack," she added, her face darkening. "She's fallen in. She thinks I can be _saved_ ," she said dramatically with a roll of her eyes  "If anyone needs saving, it sure as hell isn't me."

"What about that stunt you pulled with the quarian and sentinel?" She blinked at him. Too much hesitation.

"It was necessary," she finally said, avoiding his gaze and reaching for her top.

"You destroyed an entire base of operations. They have you marked as rogue. You know what that means."

Her eyes flew open wide and she gusted out a breath of pure shock. "Impossible. They wouldn't - they know I was taken!"

"And you massacred our entire hybrid-exploration team as well as rescuing their top infiltrators, Shepard!" he said furiously. He leaned towards her. "You know what my orders are?"

Her gaze met his defiantly, chin thrusted upwards. After a long moment she reached her hand out to cup his face and stroke her thumb across his mandible. "You have no orders," she whispered. "You've been MIA for six months, last seen on Tuchanka. Recon gone wrong, but enough red in your file to be considered rogue. Stealing Creator secrets and selling them to the Collectors, the Old Ones, and now you're working with Nihlus. Cerberus. Dirty business. You can still redeem yourself, you know. They'll take you back."

"Why play my game if you knew?" he questioned.

She slipped underneath his arm and dressed before answering. "Because this isn't a rescue op or anything other than you trying to get the data. If I were truly listed as rogue, you'd be dead for trying." She looked at him. "Why the sudden interest in Vakarian?"

He shrugged, perching himself on the edge of the bed. "Rumors fly when you're not around, Shepard."

"About?" she asked, peering at him through the mirror.

"You and Vakarian have a past." She frowned at him, her silver eyes looking at him with confusion.

"The only _past_ I have with him is via the battlefield."

He continued to stare at her before sighing. He was always a horrible liar when it came to her. He'd fooled himself into thinking he could outsmart her. "The Shadow Broker wants the data."

She crossed her arms under her chest with an amused expression. "What could she possibly want with that data?"

"I wasn't in a position to ask."

"That still doesn't explain your dealings with Kryik though," she said, leaning against her dresser. Her brow creased. "Unless," she paused, her smug expression slipping, "she's working with someone."

He always did find her most attractive when she worked through problems. The woman he loved - had loved - was gone and was replaced with a far more sinister woman than the one he had met.

She'd always believed the Creators to be the absolute, the _true_ Creators and he had as well, but he'd since learned the truth. Together they had been an unstoppable force and so powerful he could taste it but with power came a price. It was a price he hadn't known he'd have to pay until their orders came down. He paid the price in full but the guilt, the _horrors_ , he carried with him, daily, as a reminder.

_She slipped in front of him and leaned against the counter, holding a data-pad loosely in her hand with creased brows. "Orders," she simply said when he took the pad with a curious tilt of the head._

_His eyes darted over the beginning, his stomach dropping towards his feet but managed to keep control over his sub-vocals and facial expressions. "Ontarom?"_

_She nodded, lips pursed, and waved a hand, saying, "Keep reading."_

_Carefully he read through each line, his stomach tightening after each word until he thrust the pad back at her. "Understood," he said with a smile._

_"Thoughts?" she asked, her silver eyes slicing through him. "Now or never, Saren."_

_"Less than eighteen hours to deploy?"_

_She smirked, crossing her arms. "To be completed."_

_"That could be difficult," he admitted, briefly scanning her face._

_"Documentation, names, and backgrounds are already in place." She lifted her arms and wound them around his neck. "Curious?"_

_His hands rested on her waist, his thumbs brushing against her ribs. "Indeed," he murmured as he ducked his head to press a kiss against her lips. He felt her smile under his kiss, his happiness a fading shadow as he gazed upon her silver eyes._

_She pulled back with amused arched brows; her eyes scanning every millimeter of his face. "You don't seem exactly thrilled."_

_He sighed and tucked a stray lock behind her ear  "They're children, Shepard."_

_"Hybrid-children," she corrected. "Dangerous children if the wrong people get their hands on them." She pulled back and frowned. "This is for them."_

_He wanted to believe her and she sounded so sincere he almost did._

Once on Ontarom she'd finally given him the _real_ orders. They weren't there to capture the hybrids. They'd been there to infiltrate, steal data, and exterminate an entire underground safe house.

It was then that he realized that wasn't the life he wanted. Yes, he still killed. Maya Brooks was a perfect example of that but she had outlasted her usefulness and possibly betrayed both him and Nihlus. There was a distinct difference in killing for information or to keep secrets safe and killing just for the sake of killing or murdering dozens over a possibility that they might become weapons.

The Creators had been zoning in on him and his obvious waning support so he got the hell out of dodge before there were... repercussions for his resistance.

"Tell me why she wants the data."

He gave her a long look, trying to see through her mask. "Why do you think?"

Her brows creased for a fraction of a minute. "How could it possibly benefit her?" she asked, anger marring the edges of her voice. She looked away and down towards the floor. "She's working with someone or else she wouldn't want it. Someone who could use it, who _would_ use it."

He continued to watch her and listen as she worked it out, his heart thumping against his chest. She was so close to the answer. Finally she paused, her eyes widening as the answer smacked into her and his stomach dropped.

She stared at him, mouth open and her cheeks blazing. Slowly, fury crept into her stance and her body glowed a vibrant blue. He stepped back, visibly surprised by her biotics. Nihlus had said they were suppressing them. "You bastard," she whispered so quietly he barely heard her.

"Shepard --"

"No!" she said, her hand slicing through the air, silencing him immediately. "What do they want with it?"

"What do you think?" he asked furiously through clenched teeth.

"I'd rather be dead then give them the data." She pushed away from the dresser and paced angrily. "She's betraying Cerberus by doing that."

He blinked at her. Before he could control it, a harsh laugh bubbled up and out of his chest. She stopped and glared at him. "You think she's betraying Cerberus? Who do you think wants the data?"

Her biotics faded and she frowned. "The Old Ones, of course."

He laughed again. "Cerberus wants the data. She wouldn't be so stupid as to betray Cerberus."

She shook her head, her lips forming a question before her mouth snapped shut and her hands clenched into fists at her sides. "There are only a handful of people who know about Lazarus. Who sold the information?" He shrugged.

"Why did you steal it?"

"It's about _me_ ," she growled.

"Yes, but you took it before you got captured. Like you were anticipating something." She turned her back to him, her shoulders sagging and dropped her head.

"Once you're dead, you're supposed to stay dead. Not even the Creators should be able to wield that kind of power."

"So you'd want to just stay dead?" he asked incredulously. He stepped towards her when she didn't answer and laid his hand on her shoulder. "Shepard?"

She lifted her head and turned silver-green eyes on him. His fingers tightened on her collarbone. "I'd rather be dead than be a vanguard of our destruction." She spoke with such conviction, such _longing_ , that he believed her.

"Shepard," he whispered. He tilted her head up and pressed his forehead against hers. She hesitated for a moment too long. "Did you ever love me?"

"Part of me," she admitted quietly. "But not the part that you love." They were quiet for a moment. She pulled away, her hands finding his.

She gripped his finger and placed the tip of his talon against the soft flesh of her wrist. Quickly she sank it into her with a hiss and he tried to pull away but her grip was strong. She used his talon to dig out a small chip. She grabbed it between her fingers and lifted her eyes to his.

"Shepard --"

"Take it," she murmured. "I know she told the Shadow Broker about it. If anyone is to have the data then let it be Cerberus. For her sake."

He nodded sadly. He turned on his omni-tool and dispensed enough medi-gel that no one would even notice the small incision.

"You need to leave. I can't keep controlling the indoctrination. It's too much," she sighed, her face sagging.

He brushed a talon over her cheek, swallowing down the words on his tongue. He gave her one last kiss before turning and walking out, leaving her standing there defeated.

 

* * *

 

 

Liara stood and pressed a hand to her forehead. Victus looked up from the data-pad in his hand and eyed her with concern. "Everything alright?"

She gave him a soft smile. "Yes," she said. "Just a dizzy spell from standing too quickly."

His mandibles fluttered into a smile and he thumbed the data-pad off before patting the seat next to him on the couch. "Have you seen Chakwas lately?" he asked once she was settled by his side, her arm pressed against him.

"I have."

"And?"

She shifted until she could drape her legs over his lap and lean against the arm of the sofa. "And, she assures me that everything is perfectly normal." She wriggled her toes and nudged him. He gave her a mock glare but stripped his gloves off and began rubbing her feet. She sighed and closed her eyes.

"Do we know the gender yet?"

"Still a bit too soon, but Karin did say that in the next few weeks we'll know. A hybrid pregnancy is different than a normal asari or even turian one. Because asari live such long lives our pregnancies tend to be longer than turians or human, but in this case my pregnancy won't be nearly as long. And she says that the baby is healthy and strong."

"A son then," he stated matter-of-factly. She laughed.

"It could be a daughter, though I am more inclined to think along the same lines."

He leaned over and pressed his lips against hers briefly. He drew back and looked at her curiously, his hand pressing against the heel of her foot. "Any word on the Collectors?"

"Funny you should mention that," she said, scooting down to let her head rest. "Shepard - well, John, not Aislinn Shepard - has found a base and Garrus is organizing a strike team."

He paused in his massage, his mandibles pulling against his face in a turian frown. "I wasn't aware."

She made a face at him and wiggled her foot. "Don't be so put out. I am sure Garrus will include you despite my not wanting you to go."

He sighed. "Liara."

"I know. I shouldn't worry, but I do. I also have faith that you'll both keep each other safe," she said with a sigh as he pressed against a tender spot.

"I'll come back," he whispered, sliding his hand up her leg and squeezing.

"You better or else Garrus will have double the scars."

He laughed and she smiled at him, her five fingers lacing with his three. After a moment, her smile faded and morphed into a frown. "I want to tell you something but I need you to promise me that you'll never breathe a word of this to anyone. Especially Garrus and most certainly _not_ Harper, Hackett or even Anderson."

His face turned serious and he met her stern gaze steadily. "That serious?" he askrd with a flutter of mandibles.

She tilted her head with lips thinned in answer. "I found this out by mere accident," she began with a sigh. "Sometimes being very good with digging is not as glamorous as it may seem."

"I never thought it would be an easy undertaking."

"Yes, well more to the point is we all know what Harper intends to achieve with Operation Eleutheria. Not only can you bring someone back from indoctrination but you can also suppress memories, push them so deep that they are almost gone. We can't truly erase them, not really, but Garrus was subjected to these suppressing of memories.

"It seems that there was a reason and Harper oversaw the entire project. The reason is unclear, semi-unclear anyway, but these repressed memories can surge forward. Very similar to Eleutheria really but it's uncontrollable and it happens suddenly. These memories can happen at any time. Do you remember when Garrus froze aboard the Normandy?" He nodded. "I think he's experiencing these memory returns."

"Why would Harper do that to him in the first place?" he asked angrily, his hand clenching on her thigh.

"Like I said, I couldn't get a full answer but I managed to glean enough of one from the information I found." He stared at her, barely breathing with a thousand different explanations running through his mind. "It seems Shepard asked them to do it."

He felt his mandibles drop. "What?"

"This is where I am confused," she continued, her brow furrowed and her voice dropping to barely above a whisper. "Garrus and Shepard were, it seems, lovers. I couldn't get dates but it seemed to be a long time ago, although he was already working Cerberus, but what's so bizarre is that Harper _knew_ the entire time.

"According to the small, and _highly_ encrypted, information, it carried on for a few years until suddenly she up and asked Harper to erase his memories. There didn't seem to be any reason for it unless the Creators finally got wind of what was going on."

"How did he manage to see her?"

She lifted her palms upwards and shook her head. "I have no idea and it's not like I can just ask him because if he's remembering then he's probably very confused and in severe denial. I certainly would be. But, after he was forced to have his memories erased he jumped into a relationship with Ashley."

Adrien closed his eyes and breathed, "Right. I always found it odd that their relationship escalated so quickly."

"Exactly. I think he was projecting his feelings for Shepard onto Ash."

They sat in a heavy silence, both their minds racing until Victus looked at her. "Did Shepard have her own memories erased?" he asked, brow plates pulled down and his eyes narrowed slightly.

Liara's lips pressed together tightly and she shook her head. He gave her a pained expression with a shake of his own head followed by a sigh. "Damn," he muttered.

"At least, from what I gather, she never had hers tampered with. Instead it looks as if she embraced her indoctrination and threw herself into a whirlwind of massacre and destruction. In the months that followed Garrus' memories being erased, she became Cerberus' worst nightmare.

"Then almost a year and a half ago, she and Garrus met face to face for the first time since everything happened and she gave him those scars," she whispered, her voice breaking on the last note.

Adrien reached over and cupped her cheek. She leaned into his warmth and drew in a shaky breath. "What do we do?"

"For once, I don't know." She twisted the hem of her shirt between her fingers. "The more I learn about Shepard - about her past - the more I _feel_ for her. I can no longer hate her. Instead I feel sorry for her and my heart goes out to her." She looked at him. "You know that Benezia watched her become indoctrinated?"

His eyes flew open wide. "What?"

She nodded sadly. "In trying to find more data on Shepard, I found my mother's logs to Harper while she was at Grissom." She wiped at tears on her cheeks. "Shepard doesn't know that John is alive or that her mother is dead. She, the indoctrinated part of her, thinks that Jack is her partner."

"I'm sorry, I don't understand. If Shepard is there or in there at least, how doesn't she know that?"

"It's hard to explain," she sighed. "I think, and of course I'm just grasping at ideas here, that Shepard - the woman - knows everything but she's managed to seal away parts of her memories so the Creators can't completely take her away but that's assuming she's not fully gone. And if she isn't, then she will be soon if Kaidan can't help."

"What if Garrus took Kaidan's place?"

She blinked slowly a few times, her brows knitted, and she chewed her lip as she thought about it. After another thoughtful moment she said, "I wouldn't. Not if he is truly experiencing surges. It could complicate things or make things worse for the both of them. If, say, he does know that he loves her - or did - then he'd be desperate to be with the woman he loves, and if she can't be helped, she might manipulate him or vice versa for that matter."

She sighed and Adrien gripped her hands his. “He’ll be okay.”

“Goddess, I hope they’ll both be okay.”

“I know,” he murmured, running his talon over her cheek. “They’re both strong. They’ll make it through this and find each other again.”

“Optimist,” she smiled.

“That’s why you love me.”

 

* * *

 

 

_She wrapped her arms around her knees, hugging them close to her body and laid her forehead against her arms. “Garrus,” she whispered, her voice muffled._

_He pushed himself up, curling his torso around her, and rested his lips against her bare thigh. He swallowed when he lifted an unsteady hand to brush through her wild waves of fire colored hair. She drew in a choppy breath and buried her face deeper into her arms. “What’s wrong?” he rumbled. He knew the answer. He knew it clear as day, but he felt it was a necessary evil._

_He closed his eyes, biting back the keen that threatened to erupt from him, when she released a quiet sob. “I can’t keep doing this,” she cried, her fingers sliding into her hair and gripping so tightly he was afraid she’d hurt herself. “I just - I want to wake up. I want_ you _to wake_ me _up. Life can’t be like this, right? Constantly fighting for control and never being able to fully have the willpower to stay_ sane _. I shouldn’t have to worry about up and suddenly killing Jack.” She turned her head. Bright beryl eyes reddened by her tears. “Or killing you.” Her soft, five-fingered hand reached out and cupped his mandible. “I’d rather die.”_

_He captured her hand in his and pressed it against his fringe, his eyes closing.“Don’t say that, Shepard.”_

_“Why do you do this to yourself?” she asked with sudden anger, ignoring his comment. His brow plates drew down in confusion as he opened his blue eyes to look at her._

_“What do you mean?”_

_“You could have chosen to be with anyone, someone closer to home, and you chose me. Your enemy. The bane of Cerberus’ existence,” she said with a roll of her eyes. “You think the Creators would be their first concern.”_

_He chuckled before growing serious once more, his hand tightening on her hip. "I don't want something closer to home. It doesn't matter that I am with Cerberus or the fact that my job is to kill you," he said quietly. "The minute my bullets pierce your barriers and I see you wince, it kills me."_

_"How did we get here?"_

_He sighed and leaned back, pulling her with him until her head was lying on his chest, just below his cowl. The guilt at her question was eating him alive.  "I don't know, but I don't regret a thing."  He knew it was a lie. A huge, damn dirty lie but he couldn't tell her now or ever. She'd never forgive him and he loved her too much now to lose her. He knew it was selfish but there it was. Though part of his answer was a lie there was also truth. He didn't regret anything."Do you?"_

_"Never," she whispered. "I love you, Garrus Vakarian." She lifted herself and met his blue eyes with her green. "Make me yours," she said, her tone serious._

_"Shepard --"_

_"I want to be yours."_

_He wanted to._ Spirits _, he wanted too but the rational and logical part of him knew he couldn't. For her. For him. For them. He wasn't stupid either. He knew there was another turian who shared her bed, he could smell him on her, but he knew that she loved_ him _and not the nameless, barefaced bastard he shared her with. "No, I won't mark you."_

Garrus pushed away from the wall that he'd leaned against when the memory had seared its way forward. They were getting more and more frequent and he was getting less and less sleep because of them.

It was frustrating to feel the answers burning the back of his mind but unable to control when or how he got them. They also gave him throbbing headaches which made listening to reports and debriefs painful and irritating.

He still wasn't sure what it all meant, not completely, but he had an idea. It was an idea he didn't like, but an idea all the same.

He’d loved her. Shepard. He, Garrus Vakarian, had loved, fervently and deeply, Aislinn Shepard. How, why, and when were questions that burned like an itch that needed scratching but there was no relief. Like wearing a cast.

Paying no attention to any particular direction he turned the corner, not really focused on where he was headed until he looked up and saw a barefaced, older turian male leaving Shepard’s room and walking hastily down the hall.

He shifted his weight from one foot to the other in contemplation. On the one hand, he wanted to go into her room and get answers but the other hand was screaming at him to find out who the turian was. He’d never seen him before and as lead in the military division he knew almost everyone.

Decision made he picked up his pace and barely glanced at her door when he passed it. He did, however, catch the turian's scent. His eyes widened in surprise, his head tilting to the side then up to get a better whiff of the turian before breaking out into a jog. He ignored the guards startled look and gripped the wall as he rounded it to keep him steady.

“Excuse me!” he called. The turian stopped and looked over his shoulder. His face registered shock and he took off in a run. “Dammit!” Garrus hissed, reaching over his shoulder and grasping for a weapon that wasn’t there.

Garrus quickened his pace, determined not to lose the turian, and when he spotted another set of guards he said, “You two! With me, we’ve got an intruder. Sound the alarm.”

One of the guards slapped his hand against a button and the klaxen started blaring. The lights turned red and Garrus snatched the weapon from one of the guards.

He ran down the hall, skidding to a halt, and looked down both ways. He saw the turian quickly turn the corner and he followed.

“Where are you headed?” came Kaidan’s voice over the com.

“Armory."

"Jesus," Kaidan swore.

"Yeah, I don't think Jesus can help us right now. Get Vega and be ready. Barefaced turian. In pursuit.”

“Roger.”

Kaidan clicked off. Garrus rounded yet another corner and skidded to a halt, swinging his weapon up and into position. "Put your hands in the air and turn around slowly," Garrus called out. He motioned for the guards to ready weapons. He heard Kaidan and Vega run up behind and he lifted his fist.

Slowly the turian turned around with hands in the air. He wore a bored expression that was just enough to piss Garrus off. “Vakarian,” the turian said.

“You know who I am?”

“Doesn’t everyone?” the barefaced asked, brow plates arched.

“Who are you?”

“That’s a good question, but not one I’m willing to answer.”

Garrus narrowed his eyes, his mandibles pulling close to his jaw and he pressed his finger against the trigger. “What were you doing in her room?” he growled, his plates itching to put a bullet through his smug expression.

The turian smiled and tilted his head. “It was a… pleasure… visit,” he said quietly. The implications of what he said caused a hot, searing surge of fury to coarse through Garrus. It was so infuriating that he almost did pull the trigger just for the sake of satisfaction. His mind filled with images of the turian embracing, touching, caressing, kissing, and fucking Shepard. Images he hadn’t imagined in a long time and it startled him. Had he been this upset before? His memory earlier didn’t seem to add up to his anger now. More questions.

_Deeper_.

Guilt. Why had he felt guilty with her question? What had he been guilty about?

_Deeper, farther._

“Let’s just take him to holding,” Kaidan said from behind. His anger shifted from the turian now to Kaidan who was openly admitting that he was fucking Shepard. The rational part of him knew it was childish and unfair, but he couldn’t help it. Or, maybe, he didn’t want to help it.

“I’ll decide what we do,” he spat from behind clenched teeth.

“If we take him to holding we’ll be able to question him better,” Vega reasoned.

Garrus took a deep breath, reigning in his anger, and gave a brief nod while holstering his weapon. “Alright. Arrest him.” Kaidan stepped forward and he quickly grabbed his bicep in a vice grip. “But _I_ will question him. Understood?” The sentinel looked up at him with startled eyes but nodded. He released his arm. “Good. I’ll tell Harper what’s going on and someone turn that damn alarm off.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Has he said anything?” Garrus asked when he stepped through the door.

“Not a damn word,” Ashley responded. “He just sits there with a smile on his face. I really want to slap it off of him.” He gave her an amused look but didn’t say anything. He peered at the turian through the window.

“How did you know he wasn’t part of our cell?” Vega asked.

“I’ve never seen him before," Garrus answered.

“Do you know everyone here?”

He looked down at Vega who was standing by him and smiled. “Yes.” He turned his attention back to the suspect. “Records?”

“Nothing," Ashley reaponded as she thumbed off a data-pad.

“How does he know your sister?” Garrus asked, turning his attention to John who was standing on his other side with hands on his hips.

John lowered his brows and said, “I wasn’t aware he knew Jack.”

“Not Jack. Aislinn,” he said, turning and looking at John. He gave him a curious look. “You really didn’t know?”

John shook his head as if he was angry with himself and ran his long fingers through his copper hair. He probably was, Garrus conceded. He’d been watching his sister’s lives for fifteen years, knew every detail, every lover but he failed to know about this one. John turned hazel eyes on Garrus. “How do _you_ know?” he asked quietly.

Garrus wasn’t normally suspicious of the people he worked with and he felt a heavy guilt settle in the pit of his stomach for being suspicious of John but he wasn’t sure who he could trust with the information about his memories. He glanced at Ash and James. “We can talk about that in private,” he murmured. He cleared his throat. “Right now I need to interrogate this barefaced bastard.” He turned and looked at Ash and James. “You’re dismissed.”

They looked as if they wanted to protest but John cut in. “I’ll be here,” he said, casting a sideways look at his best friend. “Nothing will happen that my biotics can’t handle.” After a moment of hesitation they shuffled out of the room and then John turned back to Garrus. “Cut the shit. How the fuck do you that he knows Aislinn?” When Garrus didn’t answer he swore quite loudly and colorfully. “Jesus. What? You don’t trust _me_?”

Garrus gave him a sharp look. “I don’t know who I can trust,” he argued quickly. “Not with what I’m experiencing lately.” As soon as the words left his mouth he instantly regretted them.

John stared at him, his eyes slowly widening and his lips parted in shock. _He knows_ , Garrus thought. _He knows what I’m talking about, just like Benezia did._ “What exactly are you going through?” John asked as if trying to cover his reaction.

"Don't," Garrus said sharply. "Don't pretend you don't know."

John's body straightened and tightened like a coil. "Have you told anyone?"

"Benezia."

"Jesus Christ," he swore, running a hand over his face and down his neck. "Why didn't you fucking come to me about it?"

Garrus rounded on him and brought himself to his full height which could be quite intimidating. "I'm still not even certain what's happening and I didn't know who I could talk to. I thought about going to Harper but--"

"That was the mistake you made last time," John cut in angrily. Garrus froze and blinked down at John. At Garrus' look John gave him a questioning one. "Wait - what are you talking about?"

"I could ask the same of you."

They stood in thoughtful silence, every now and again glancing at each other. Finally John sighed. "Is it about someone?" Sometimes Garrus really wished he had better control over his mandibles. "Aislinn?"

Garrus didn't need to say anything but he wanted to. Oh, did he want to. He wanted to get angry and break something because John did know. His best friend, his brother, knew about some past Garrus had when even he was in the dark. He couldn't find any anger in him however. Instead he felt hollowed out and scraped thin, weary. Betrayed.

He'd been burned before and he swore it'd never happen again but here, now, it was happening again and he'd been blindsighted by it. It felt like a krogan had just punched him in the gut.

"This isn't the place to talk about this. Interrogate him and then we'll talk."

"I'm not so sure I want to talk."

John gave him a stricken expression, his eyes mirroring the emotions swirling inside of himself. "Garrus --"

"You are a part of my current problem, aren't you?" John's silence and hard swallow was his answer. "Then I have nothing more to say to you on this subject."

"Fine. But when you want some damn answers you come to me. Not Benezia and not Harper. I've been your friend for a very long time and I would never betray you."

"I've heard that before."

"But not from me. I have no reason to lie to you now. You want answers? I'll give you answers," he retorted angrily.

Garrus turned from the window sharply and asked, "Really?" Truly he hadn't meant to sound so condescending but as he crossed his arms over his keel bone he realized that John was just as upset. He sighed and shifted. "Look, I'm just really confused right now."

"I would be too." John looked out at the turian. "Interrogate him. We'll talk about this later. Right now, I need to confirm my suspicions with that guy."

"You have an idea?"

"If he knows Aislinn, then yeah, I think that's Saren Arterius. I've spent thousands of credits on tailing him and when he disappeared I was pissed. Then I noticed that Nihlus was communicating with him which you know about. Did you ever get anything out of him?"

"No, but I plan to from Saren."

"Assuming that's who he is." John's hazel eyes peered up at Garrus. "Get some answers. Do what you do best."

Garrus flared his mandibles into a smug expression. "Roger that."

 

* * *

 

 

The door opened and the barefaced turian looked up a smile on his plated features. "I was beginning to think you'd forgotten about little old me, Vakarian."

"I never forget a prisoner," Garrus said with a smile. He flipped the chair around and sat down, straddling it, with his arms resting on the back of it.

"Here to make me spill all of my secrets?"

"No, actually. In fact I'm not even going to question you. I'm just going to sit here and listen to you talk about whatever comes to mind." Saren's smug expression faltered. Garrus gave a soft laugh, twining his fingers together, and looked at him from beneath his lids with a smile. "Not what you were expecting? I tend to get that reaction. If you want, you can even ask me questions."

Saren narrowed his eyes as if he could see through Garrus but he found nothing. He shifted into a more comfortable position. "Alright, I'll play your little game." His smile returned. "Do you know who I am?" Garrus nodded.

"Saren Arterius. One of the best sharpshooters or so I have heard."

"I am. No one can match my skills. Not even Garrus Vakarian."

"We can test that if you want," Garrus replied, his infuriating smile still in place. Time to wipe it off his pretty face.

"Shepard seems to be just as flexible as she always was," he said. A warm spread of satisfaction coursed through him when Vakarian's mandibles gave an almost imperceptible twitch. "Can you smell her on me?"

"I can," he answered with a nod.

Not the reaction he was going for. "That thing she does with her mouth, you know what I'm talking about, it's really something. I don't think I'll be able to go back to turian women now. You like it too, right?" When Garrus didn't answer Saren continued. "Did you know she was also sleeping with me? She's quite the xenophiliac."

"I was aware, yes. But she also assured me that she loved me and no one else. Even went so far as to ask me to mark her."

Saren jerked as if Garrus had shot him. His mandibles flared, "You're lying."

Garrus laughed. "I can assure you I'm not. As you're well aware I never did though."

"Why didn't you? You'd have known I wouldn't touch her if you had."

Garrus sighed and leaned forward slightly. "Because I loved her. I didn't want to call attention to the relationship we had." As he spoke he wasn't even sure where those words came from but he knew it was true.

"Loved? You don't love her now then?"

Garrus caught the quick low thrum of hope before Saren could cover it. "I never said that."

"So you don't?"

Garrus lifted his eyes and met Saren's. "I never said that either."

Saren narrowed his eyes and his hands clenched into fists on his lap. "Either you do or you don't."

"That's not a question," Garrus pointed out calmly. He smiled inwardly at the irritation that Saren was showing.

"Do you love her?"

Avoiding the question he changed subjects. He didn't know or want to answer the question. "You could smell Alenko on her, I know I can, so why are you worried about me?"

"You said you weren't going to ask questions."

Garrus tilted his head. "You're right. I'm sorry," he said. When Saren relaxed, Garrus said, "I just am finding it difficult to understand why you would disappear on her if you care so much about her. Clearly you care yet you pretend to act as if my relationship with her hurts you but not the human."

"I disappeared for a reason," Saren growled, leaning forward.

"Yet you're here now."

"She had something I needed."

"And now you have it," Garrus smiled. Saren blinked at him before laughing.

"Nihlus' little protege," Saren mocked with a smile. "I'm not giving it to you."

"I didn't think you were. You're giving it to Nihlus." Saren's smile fell. "Yes, I know you're working with him. I just didn't know why until now. So you're working with Cerberus, which is good to know because you won't be leaving. At least not until I say you can leave." Garrus stood and flipped the chair around. He leaned down and pressed his palms flat against the table. "I can offer you a position here, but that would require your agreement to stay away from Shepard and your trust in me. I can't force you to agree but if you don't, well, you'd be making a grave mistake."

"Why would I have to stay away from her? Jealousy is an ugly trait and it doesn't suit you, Vakarian."

"You have two cycles to decide." Garrus turned and was pressing his hand against the panel when Saren spoke again.

"She still loves you. She told me tonight."

Garrus turned back to him, his calm exterior cracking. "She's not even in there. That part of her is gone."

"Is that what you think?" Saren asked softly. "Oh, no. She's still there but only barely."

"You're lying," Garrus ground out, his hand clenching into a fist by his side. Part of him knew Saren was right but the deeper part, the other part, didn't want to believe it.

"I am? Or are you just saying that because she had Harper try and erase your memories of your time together? You didn't know that did you? She told me though. She said it worked but obviously not." Saren laughed at the look on Garrus' face.

Garrus lunged at him. His hand wrapped around Saren's throat while his other hand gripped a mandible. He brought his face close to Saren's. "Why? Why did she do it?"

"Because she found out why you started fucking her."

Garrus jerked. "What're you talking about?" he growled. Saren barked out a harsh laugh.

"You had orders from Harper but she couldn't kill you because she loved you. Don't act all high and mighty. You lied to her for years. You got what you deserved."

Garrus let go quickly as if Saren had burned him, stumbled back and turned. He slammed his hand against the panel and strode passed John who called his name urgently.

He needed to see Harper.

He needed answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what do you think? I really, REALLY hope you enjoyed this chapter since I've been fretting over it for the last couple of days since KabiViolet was allowed to beta. 
> 
> 8000+ words. I said on tumblr this would be the longest so far and turns out I was right! 
> 
> And look! I managed to update on Thursday exactly two weeks after the last one. :-) I'm getting better.


	13. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth will eventually come out.

"Garrus! Garrus wait!" John called, running down the hall to catch up with the furious turian.

Garrus barely glanced over his shoulder but the glare he shot John cut him to the core. He felt flayed open by the absolute leer of betrayal. He caught up and grabbed his arm.

Garrus yanked out of his grasp and whirled in a fury that matched any storm on Mars and growled, "What could you possibly have to say?"

"You don't know the full story. You've only got bits and pieces," he said quickly. "There was a reason to what he did and though I didn't agree at the time, I did eventually."

"I don't care." Garrus turned away from him and started to walk away. John snapped out his hand, tinged with blue, and gripped his arm hard.

"You have to listen to me. You can't just storm in their like a damn typhoon demanding answers when you don't even have the right facts or questions."

"After _everything_ I have done for you," Garrus hissed, bending so he could look John in the eyes, "this is how you repay me? You, above everyone else, had my unwavering trust and friendship."

"We entrusted her safety to you," John argued, fumbling to try and keep his emotions in check. "We - he and I both, at least eventually - believed that you could bring her back to us and you almost succeeded. You were so damn close, Garrus."

"I was a _tool_ for Harper. He doesn't give a crap about anyone. Just results." He tried to pull away from John and failed. "Get your filthy hands _off_ me," he snarled, twisting his arm. People were starting to look at them and this was not something people needed to either witness or hear.

Instead, John slapped his hand against a panel and dragged Garrus into a private room despite the angry curses that flew from the turian's mouth and his constant struggle. "He does care, he does and I swear it on my own dead mother's grave."

"Then why?" Garrus shouted, finally flinging off John's grip.

"Because she's his daughter!" John screamed, his chest heaving.

Garrus froze like he'd been blasted with a cryo shot. They stared at each other, trying to slowly compose themselves. "What?" Garrus asked, his voice dangerously low.

John took a deep breath, plunging his fingers through his hair and making it stand on end. Had the situation been different, Garrus might have quipped a joke but it wasn't. It was horrible. "She's his daughter," John repeated softly. "It's probably one of the best kept secrets. No one knows that he's our father."

"Why keep it a secret?"

"He's supposed to be dead. Like me. If the Creators knew that he was still alive or that we're his children can you imagine the repercussions? He agreed under indoctrination that all his children would serve them and he allowed all of us, me included, to be seeded. Vanguards are their greatest weapon and an entire family of pure vanguards? A vanguard can wipe out an entire battalion in less than five minutes. Two vanguards can drop a city and ten can destroy an entire planet.

"With an army of them at the Creator's sides it's mass genocide for everyone. Aislinn is the most powerful vanguard that we know of. It boils down to ruthless calculus. We couldn't let her fight for them but there was no easy way to get her on our side."

"You talk about her like she's not even your flesh and blood," Garrus snapped. "You still - like them - want to use her as a weapon. Do you even care about her?"

"Of course we do!"

"Then what happened? Why isn't she with us? Why did I have my memories erased?"

"The old Shadow Broker betrayed us because he was indoctrinated. You don't remember that?" John asked with a semblance of alarm, his brows creasing in worry.

Garrus looked confused. "I - it sounds familiar but no, I-I don't."

John reached up and smacked Garrus in the chest so hard he stumbled back. "Think, Garrus!" The suppression of memories were supposed to have been localized to just Aislinn but if he couldn't remember this then that was a problem. It would mean Garrus was missing years.

"That's all I've _been_ doing," Garrus snarled as he caught himself before falling and shaking off the sudden attack.

"Think harder!"

Garrus stared at him before sighing in frustration and closing his eyes. His teeth clenched and his mandibles were pressed so tightly against his jaw that John was worried he was in pain.

Garrus' hands were fisted by his sides and he shook his head quickly as if sifting through his memories and tossing one aside. His brow plates drew down and a flutter of emotions passed over his alien features.

The silenced seemed to stretch on for hours before Garrus raised his head and opened his eyes. "I can't get a grasp on it. All I keep finding are memories of Shepard. It's fuzzy and I'm not sure what's real and what's not."

"Dammit," John swore. He pressed his fingers against his temple to try and ease his sudden headache. "The Shadow Broker told Aislinn that she was your orders and dad - Harper - was furious. He didn't want to tell you even though I thought you had every right to know. He believed that you'd react badly.

"For all we knew she asked the Broker but he was long gone in his indoctrination and we didn't know until it was too late. You lead the team who replaced the Broker and during that time she made contact with us. She was furious and as her brother saying this, she had every right to be.

"She gave Harper an ultimatum and he took the lesser of two evils which, as you know, was to suppress your memories. He didn't want to and he tried to convince her to join us. She basically told him to fuck off because she couldn't trust Cerberus any more than she could the Creators. He said she'd be able to be with you freely but she said she couldn't be with you after you had been using her for so long.

"She said either he do it or she'd tell the Creator's that he was still alive. He begged her to reconsider and I'd never believed he really cared about us until then. He told her what it could do you if it didn't work and she said he should have thought about that.

"He almost didn't do it. He said it wasn't fair to you when it was his fault in the end. I didn't want it to happen but I knew it would work and I reminded him what it would do to Cerberus, to the galaxy, if we didn't do what she wanted. He was absolutely furious but did it anyway. And now," he said quietly, "now you know." He slumped against a nearby crate and sighed. He looked at Garrus who hadn't moved and was surprised to see that he wasn't angry.

Instead, he was calm, which frightened John even more than when Garrus lost his temper. He just stood there, taking in all the information that he had just received. "How many knew about all of this?" he asked with a wave of his hand.

"Not many. I knew, obviously. Benezia, Harper, Legion; they knew."

Garrus nodded and looked away. "Could you do it again?"

John felt his heart stutter and his body break out into a cold, quick sweat. He didn't want to answer. He didn't want to believe what Garrus was asking. He swallowed and rubbed his clammy hands on his pants.

"John," Garrus spoke, his voice barely above a whisper and taking a step towards his friend. He sighed, his shoulders drooping and his mandibles flared. John had seen him at his worst when he was beaten, bloody and dying but this? This was absolute betrayal and heartbreak wound into one and morphed with grief and loss which turned out to be surrendering with a giant white flag with no more hope. This was defeat of the highest caliber. "Can you do it?"

"I," he paused, trying to find a good lie or excuse or anything and ended up saying, "no. It was a onetime thing. It would take months to recreate it."

"But you _can_ do it again?" Garrus asked with a tilt of his head.

"Maybe? I don't know," he lied. He could and he hated lying to Garrus but he wouldn't - no, _couldn't_ do that to him again.

"I think you're lying to me. If it was a onetime thing then how did you manage to do it with such little notice?"

_Shit._ He hadn't even considered that explanation yet. "It was for when you brought Aislinn in. We were going to suppress her memories so she wouldn't remember everything she'd done," he lied quickly. It sounded plausible, at least. And he hoped Garrus would believe it.

Garrus' mandibles fluttered and his brows drew down like they always did when he thought out a problem and was having difficulties ascertaining the truth. He sighed. "I suppose that makes sense, in a way. Suppress her memories so she doesn't have a mental breakdown when she learns everything about herself," he said quietly with a hint of disbelief though he managed to keep a tight clamp on his sub-harmonics. Garrus tilted his head in curiosity. "If you were seeded as well, then why aren't you indoctrinated like her?"

John shrugged. "I don't know, really I don’t and I wish I did but look at Jack. She's not either, at least, not like Aislinn." He sighed. "She always, even as a small child, showed the most potential with her biotics. More so than Jack. I'm good but I hate being a biotic. I'd much rather be fiddling with tech and hacking."

"I wouldn't say you're _good_ ," Garrus said with a small smile as he rubbed his shoulder. John released a relieved laugh. Tension was still high but at least Garrus seemed to be cooling off and not wanting to murder someone, specifically him.

"You could have ducked. I told you to duck."

"And I warned you that turians know how to duck just about as well as we know how to swim."

John forced himself to ask the question he was most afraid of what the answer would be. "Are we okay?"

Once again, Garrus' mandibles pressed tight to his face. "Not yet. I still have to think things over." He turned and headed for the door, but spared one last look at him before leaving and said, "But we will be."

"I hope so," John whispered to himself once Garrus was gone.

 

* * *

 

 

The dark-haired woman looked over both shoulders before pressing her sweating palm against the whirring panel. The door opened and she stepped inside, letting her guard down when she didn't see him or anyone. A hand wrapped itself around her waist and pulled her against the body.

She yelped but the body clamped a warm, three fingered hand over her mouth. "What are you doing here?" the voice asked and she relaxed against him.

"I wanted to see you," she said quietly after he removed his hand.

"You left to hunt." He let her go and she turned around to look at him. Her heart near bursting from emotion.

"I did hunt," she whispered, reaching out a tentative hand to touch his face with a shaky breath.

He didn't move to return the gesture and her hand fell. "What did you find?"

"Her," she whispered with a swallow, and then louder she said, "I found _her_."

His eyes betrayed nothing and she felt that perhaps it had been a mistake seeing him first. Was he angry?

"Where is she?" he asked, moving around her without so much as a glance and walked towards the console.

"With Cerberus," she sighed, closing her eyes and running her fingers through her ebony hair. She missed the look he gave her.

"You didn't bring her with you?"

She cut him a look and scoffed. "Right. Because I can just waltz right in and steal her from Vakarian and Harper. That sounds like a great plan."

"Why couldn't you?"

Her jaw dropped and she gaped open-mouthed like a fish flopping on the floor. "Is that some sort of sick joke? Because if it is I don't find it funny."

"Perhaps that was in bad taste," he said, his eyes never leaving the console.

"Perhaps? Do you have _any_ idea what I've had to do to not get seen? Or caught? Or worse?" When he didn't answer she stalked towards him and shoved his shoulder. "I worked my ass off to get this damn intel and all you have to say is why couldn’t I bring her?" Again she was met with silence. "You know what? Fuck you. I left --"

"Without even saying goodbye or where you were going," he cut in sharply. So sharp it felt like Kei Lang's sword across her heart a thousand times. He turned to look at her and now she recognized his emotions for what they were. Pain. Heartbreak. Other emotions she couldn’t put her fingers on but wanted to, desperately. She bit her bottom lip to stop it from quivering. "Why? Why did you not tell me?"

"I thought you knew."

His four eyes narrowed. "Knew that you were supposed to hunt her? Yes, that I knew. What I did not know was why you left without any explanation or warning of your departure. I could have gone with you. I had planned on accompanying you on your hunt, but you took it upon yourself to leave when the moon had ascended."

"I had orders, Javik!" she cried though it resembled a wail and she acted as if to touch him before snapping her hand back as if burned.

He stopped his beratement and stared at her. Apparently he didn't know everything. "I was to go without you and gather as much information as possible. They didn't want you to go due to your hasty nature."

"I see," he said quietly. Tentatively he reached out his hand and gripped her fingers. "I am sorry for lashing out at you. This was not your doing but his."

She turned her hand in his and pressed their palms together. "Do you want to know what I found?"

He nodded and turned towards her. His other hand rose up and wrapped around her bicep, bringing her to him until he rested his forehead against hers. Her eyes slid shut and she gripped his hand tightly.

It was always the most bizarre sensation when he read her. Her blood felt as if it were on fire, her fingers and toes tingled, and her heart felt like it was going to pop out of her chest. She could feel him probing her mind, sifting through her memories and flipping them over like the pages a photo album. Some he focused on and others he tossed away. A few he spent more time on, looking for details and dug deeper.

Eventually, after what seemed to be an eternity, he pulled away, dropping his hands and stepping back. He opened his yellow eyes slowly and gazed at her. “We can launch the operation tomorrow night.”

“Will we be able to gather enough support in time?”

He turned his head and laid his hand on the console, bring up the holographic keyboard. His fingers danced over it and an orange box appeared in the near dark. “Yes. He says that we will able to do it.”

She touched his arm and turned his face back to hers, looking up into his eyes. “No casualties,” she said with a shake of her head. “We’re not the Creators or the Old Ones. We don’t need to spill unnecessary blood for the sake of spilling it.”

“You do not count Cerberus in that group?”

She shook her head again, her ebony hair bouncing around her shoulders. “No. They don’t hurt civilians and they only target the Creator forces. Besides,” she said quietly, a small smile playing around the edges of her lips, “T’Soni’s been looking for us, or, at least, the Collectors in general.”

“First we were called the Protheans and now we’re called the Collectors,” he scoffed, his eyes narrowing. “They do not know what we are.”

“I believe we’ve earned the name of Collector, don’t you think? Not me, per se, but you.” She was silent for a moment before cocking her head and staring up at him. “Will I be going?”

“Do you want to go?” She tilted her head and gave him the look that said how dare he even ask. He laughed softly and slid his hand into her thick mass of obsidian curls. “Yes, you can go.” He lifted her face by the chin and dipped his head to press his lips against hers.

She sighed into his mouth and wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing her body against his. After a moment she pulled back and looked at him. “Who do you see when you look at me?” she asked quietly.

“Jennifer,” he admonished softly, trying to coax her back into kissing him.

“Really,” she said, tilting away from him. “I need to know that you see me and not her.”

His brows came down over his golden eyes and his expression softened. “You might look exactly like her, sound exactly like her, but you are not Shepard. You are Jennifer, Clone of Shepard, and I only see you,” he murmured, his hand sliding back to cradle her skull and tip her head back to nip at the hollow of her throat.

“I love you,” she whispered, her hands sliding down his chest and deftly undoing the clasps she found there.

“And I you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was going to be a massive, Hulk like chapter but I cut it off at 3000 because I felt I could spread it out over the next two chapters. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed it and I'm sorry it's a week late. Really. I am.


	14. Come Away Little Lamb

"So what's on today’s agenda? More questions, less sex?" she asked, leaning back against the wall and stretching out her leg, the other pulled up to her chest.

Kaidan's lips twitched as if he were about to smile but he caught himself and instead ran a hand over his tired face. "I'm trying to help you, Shepard, but I can only help if you're willing to try."

"Why does everyone insist that I need help? Because I serve the Creators? Because I do my _duty_ while you flounder and try to seek answers?" Her eyes flashed angrily, her lips thin and white. "There is nothing wrong with me. Therefore I don't need help."

"Indoctrination is a sickness."

"Ah, yes. 'Indoctrination'," she quoted with a roll of her eyes. "A term a group like Cerberus uses liberally to classify people like me who believe in the Creators."

The muscle in his jaw ticked when he clenched his teeth together. "Alright, you believe that but --"

She narrowed her silver eyes until they were slits and said, "There is no believing. I know it."

"Then tell me about your family."

"I have no family. No beginning, no end," she said airily and a wave of her hand with a smile adorning her lips.

His brows rose in startled surprise. "Is that right? I think Jack would disagree."

She bent her head in boredom and looked down at her jeans, her fingers picking off invisible lint. "And why would she?"

"Considering she's your sister, I think she'd be a little hurt by what you just said. Or do you think she's just as unfeeling?"

Her head snapped up as if Kaidan punched her in the gut and she stared at him. Her red brows were drawn down so low it would have been comical if her face wasn't so serious and her eyes filled with so much confusion he had no choice but to believe she had no idea what he was talking about. "I must have heard you wrong," she said with a tilt of her head. She cupped her ear. "Repeat that?"

He leaned back in his chair. A sick, twisted feeling of satisfaction slithered through him and coiled hot in his belly. It was petty and childish, he knew that, but couldn't help himself. She knew so much about him and usually held all the cards, but right now he held them and he refused to fold despite the warning that flared in the back of his head. They'd danced this dance before but always after she froze in place would he stop, but not now. Not with Harper breathing down his neck or Anderson saying they needed to put someone else in with her. "Which part? The part about Jack being unfeeling?"

"I think you said she is my sister, and if so, you are sadly mistaken. I have no family. Jack was assigned to me by the Creators to be my partner." Her words were slow but sharp as needles.

He drummed his fingers on the datapad in his lap and cocked a brow at her. "Really? You're absolutely certain?"

She stared at him as if trying to read his mind and if he didn't know better, he would say she could. Her hands were clenched into fists by her sides, her knuckles white. "Positive," she finally said.

"This file says different." He waved it at her. "This says that you have two siblings and that you're mother was murdered by the Creators."

"That's bullshit," she spat, shaking her head quickly. "I was raised in a facility by Guardians."

"You were raised on Mindoir," he corrected. His eyes fell to the pad and flitted over the words as he read. "Father disappeared when you were a child. You had an older brother, but he died when you were fourteen. You studied at Grissom under Benezia and Nihlus. At eighteen you and Jack were carted off to Rannoch where you completed the human biotic training program. By the time you were done, you were fully indoctrinated and assigned a position. You rose in rank quickly. You, single-handedly obliterated Elysium and killed thousands of innocents," he said, raising his eyes and met her gaze. "Must I continue, Shepard?"

She was staring at him as if he had suddenly morphed into a hanar. Her mouth opened and closed, her cheeks flushed from anger and disbelief. She inhaled a shaky breath and swallowed. Her cheeks, normally a soft pink, were stark white. Eventually she shook her head. "No," she said softly, her voice harsh and hoarse in the silence. "No. That's - you're full of shit, sentinel."

"Are you still going to deny this?" he asked, his voice full to the brim with incredulity. "Are you so far gone that you can't even admit that you're sick?" He paused and leaned forward. He reached out his hand to capture her fist loosely. Her hand opened and she gripped his. A good sign? "I want, more than anything, to help you, Aislinn. Let me help you." Her silver eyes continued to stare at him and he could see the thoughts flying behind them like sky cars on a chase. "Somewhere you know what I'm saying is true."

Her mouth parted and he hoped that she would say something, that she would agree, but what happened was not what he expected.

Before the scream, she sighed and let his hand go. Her eyes rolled back until all he could see were the whites with tiny red veins. Her skin broke into a sweat, beading on her upper lip and forehead, and her skin felt like ice when he went to touch her.

Her body jerked, arching until her head almost touched the bed and she started convulsing. The scream was deafening before it suddenly cut off into a wet gurgle. She slid onto the floor, her head smacking with a sickening thud on the cement beneath the grey flooring.

He yelled for help, fumbling with his omni-tool to tap out a quick message as he struggled to stick something between her clenched teeth as she seized so wouldn't bite off her tongue.  She started frothing reddish foam at the mouth and his heart jumped into his throat.

"Code red!" he screamed. Quickly he pulled her into his lap, brushing the hair out of her face when the door opened and Chakwas ran in with Chloe hot on her heels.

"How long has she been seizing?" Chakwas barked, dropping to her knees and instantly lifting her arm and scanning Shepard's body. Chloe tore open a needle, slid it into a vial and pulled back on the plunger.

"Not long. Maybe 30 seconds."

"Jesus," she whispered. Her eyes were focused on the scan and her face went slack. Before Chloe could put the needle into Shepard's arm she stopped her. "She's hemorrhaging. Her body is shutting down. We have to get her into surgery."

Shepard went limp, blood trickling from her nose, and Chakwas checked for a pulse. Her eyes flew to Kaidan's and she said, "I need you to move. Her heart stopped." Carefully he laid her on the floor and quickly Chloe ripped open her shirt.

"What's wrong with her?" he asked but his query went unanswered as they pulled out a small defibrillator.

Chloe stuck two small circular objects to her temples and two more on her chest. The tiny machine gave a loud beep before the sound of a flat line. Chakwas pressed the paddles against her chest. She took a deep breath, steadied her shaking hands and said, "Clear!"

Aislinn's body jerked, her chest arching gruesomely, but the machine continued its flat line. "Come on, Shepard," he whispered, wiping his hand across his clammy forehead.

"Clear!"

The machine stuttered and started beeping frantically. Her eyes flew open, silver bright as the sky, and she screamed. Her hand reached up and tore at her bun at the back of her head. "Get it out! Get it out!" she cried before she lapsed into another seizure.

"We have to get her out of here," Chakwas ordered, slinging her stethoscope over her neck.

"Krios," she choked. "Krios knows."

Together Chakwas and Chloe lifted her onto the makeshift stretcher and pushed through the door, ignoring any questions that Kaidan might have had.

* * *

   

Jack shuffled towards the door, pushing what little hair she had out of her face, and scrubbed her hand over her eyes sleepily. “I’m fucking coming,” she croaked, her throat dry from sleep. Tiredly, she slapped her hand on the panel and the door slid open. She blinked at the sudden bright light and squinted at the person who was standing on her doorstep at two in the morning. “What the fuck do you want at this ungodly hour?”

“I thought you should know,” Hackett started, pushing past her and into the small apartment, “Shepard was just taken to the medical wing.”

If she wasn’t awake beforehand, she was now. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Something happened.”

“What do you mean, something happened? You can’t just tell me my sister has been taken to the medical wing and then not offer an explanation, asshole.”

He sighed and scratched his close cropped beard. “We don’t know what’s wrong. Alenko was with her, asking her questions about her family and then the next minute she was having a seizure. The only things she said was ‘get it out’ and ‘Krios knows’. Anderson is getting the drell as we speak.”

“Seizing? How bad?” she asked, turning quickly and marching into her bedroom to throw on some clothes.

“Chakwas thinks she has a chip in her brain," he said as if he had tasted some vile. "Creators at their finest." She froze, her hands stilling on the top drawer and lifted her brown eyes to his. Her brow puckered, lowering over her amber orbs, and her lips thinned.

After a moment, she closed her eyes and gave an almost imperceptible shake of her head. "Vaguely familiar," she whispered. It was so quiet he almost missed it.

"What do you mean?"

Jack's fingers tightened around the drawer until her knuckles were white and her jaw clenched into a hard line, a contrast with the haircut that adorned the top of her head. "Something about that sounds familiar. As if I have heard it before and should know it, but I don't." She turned and lifted her eyes, now a golden liquid, and stared at him, her hands bathed in the softest of blue. "Is this proof? Proof that I am indoctrinated?"

"Jack --"

"Don't!" she spat harshly, the blue creeping up her arms. "We knew that I couldn't remember certain fucking things but now - now with this bullshit, we have evidence."

Angrily she ripped the drawer from the dresser and sunk to her knees. She pressed the palms of her hand against her forehead and sucked in a breath before slowly blowing it out. "Jesus," she said on the verge of a sob, her breath hitching in her throat. "Fucking bastards!"

She balled up her hand and struck the wooden structure so hard it tipped back into the wall and the metal creaked.

"Jack," Hackett whispered, going to her and kneeling. Gently he touched her shoulders and turned her towards him, tucking her head against his neck. Her fingers gripped his shirt and she sobbed, her tears soaking into the soft cotton.

"What did they fucking do to us? How much have I forgotten? What things have I done that I don't fucking remember?" She sighed and swallowed. "How much of me is like her?"

He soothed his hand down her neck and back. "I don't know," he admitted, his blue eyes falling closed and wishing that he could help her pain. "We'll figure it out, Jack. I promise."

"Will we?" she asked, pulling back. "What if we never do? What if, one day, I snap and kill you? Kill _her_ because of a stupid fucking chip in my brain. How could I ever live with myself?"

"We don't know anything yet. Let's not make rash decisions until we know more, okay?"

She nodded, her face grim. "Fine. But if this goes to shit or she fucking dies, I'll destroy them," she said, her golden eyes hard as ice.

  

* * *

  

  _She sighed, leaning back on her elbows, her long hair blowing softly in the breeze. Her face was tight and she had been uncharacteristically quiet. Every so often she would check her omni-tool and frown. He wanted to ask if she had somewhere to be, but doubted she'd actually tell him. Or if she did, he doubted it would be the truth._

_She'd been distant lately and he was concerned. After a few moments of tense silence, she glanced at him out of the corner of her eyes. Her eyes flashed silver and he felt his brow plates lower. She opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something, but her jaw snapped shut and turned her face away._

_"Is there something you want to talk about?" he finally asked. A slick, oil-like feeling slithered through him, moving up his stomach and curling around his heart when she let loose a harsh laugh._

_"No. I have nothing to ask you."_

_"Shepard."_

_"Vakarian," she mimicked, her fingers tightening in the grass._

_"You're angry," he stated. "In order for me to fix it, I need you to tell me why."_

_She cut him a look so furious he thought he might burst into flames on the spot. He'd only been on the receiving end of that look while on the battlefield and it startled him. "I'm not angry. I'm_ furious _with you," she spat, pushing up into a sitting position._

_"Why? What have I done?" he asked. The oil-slick feeling squeezed his heart for two beats then climbed up and into his throat. He felt light-headed, his hands suddenly turning icy._

Spirits, does she know? _he thought. He should have told her, should have made her understand._

_"I almost killed you," she said, her voice trembling. She sucked in a breath, her hand flying to her chest and pressing against the bottom of her throat. "Jesus, Garrus. That stunt you pulled on Palaven - I didn't have any control. If T'Soni and Victus had been just a second slower you would be dead and I-I would have_ murdered _you."_

_The oil thinned and the feeling in his limbs returned, but his heart was still hammering against his ribs like hammer on steel. He wanted to laugh and cry all at the same time but feared that she'd snap. He took her hand in his, covered it with his own, and looked at her. "I knew the risk, but I also knew that they wouldn't fail me. If I hadn't taken that shot they would have questioned me and I don't want to have to answer them. Besides," he smiled, attempting to humor her, "you left yourself wide open for it."_

_The corners of her mouth twitched but were quickly replaced with a hard line and her eyes closed. "You still don't understand," she whispered. She shook her head. "That's not me. Or maybe it is and this," she gestured to her body, "is just a broken bit that keeps finding its way back to the top of the pile. I had to watch the vid from my helmet to find out what happened because I don't remember, Garrus. Do you understand? It doesn't matter how much I fight, there are days, weeks, months where there is a black hole in my brain. Sometimes I can find my way back but eventually I'm not going to be able to. Sometimes I see you and I have no idea who you are, but I feel," she swallowed, "so much for you and I force myself to dig through memories I have access to. I've said it before, I can't keep doing this. With you or with myself."_

_He squeezed her hand, his mouth opening to speak, to say_ something _but the words were lodged in his throat as the oil thickened tenfold and threatened to suffocate him._

_"I need to go," she said, pushing herself into a standing position and started off at a brisk pace._

_"Don't walk away," he pleaded, hurrying to catch up. He reached out to grab her hand but stopped knowing it was a futile gesture._

_"I have to!" she cried with a whirl, her hair lifting in the wind. Her hands were clenched into fists by her sides and her eyes, those eyes that were so often a startling argent across the battlefield, were bright with unshed tears she refused to surrender. "After what happened I - what if they know? What if they can just, I don't know, turn me off and into some horrible monster? What am I saying? I'm already a monster, a nightmare that kids and adults alike dream about."_

_"That's not true and you know it," he said._

_"Do I? I have the blood of thousands on my hands and I can't remember doing most it! Every now and then I have... flashes of things and they are horrible. I've brutally murdered children, massacred towns, and why? Because I can't control this indoctrination, this_ sickness _," she spat. She met his eyes and her gaze was so forlorn, so lost and defeated, his chest tightened and he had to look away._

Tell her _, his conscious whispered. He tried to brush it away, tried to find something else to say, but when he opened his mouth, the words poured out of him. "Cerberus can help you. If you come with me, we can figure out treatments and we can work through this."_

_She scoffed with a roll of her eyes. "Cerberus? You expect me to trust them anymore than the Creators? Do you even know who runs that three-headed beast?"_

_"So what then? Let the indoctrination run its course in the hopes that it'll just get better? You think_ that's _a better plan?" he asked angrily._

_"No, I know it won't get better but I know for a fact that Cerberus can't help me when they can't even help themselves."_

_"They want to help you, Shepard. I want to help you."_

_Her eyes narrowed for a split second before she said, "What do you mean they want to help me?" She folded her arms over her chest; one brow raised and tilted her head. "How do they know anything about me except the obvious?"_

_"They are nothing if not thorough in researching their enemy," he answered, the truth barely there. He hadn't meant to say that and now he was trying to find excuses to cover his ass._

_She stared at him for a long moment and he was worried she would see through his lies. So many lies. Too many lies and he was having a difficult time keeping them straight and sorted out. Even he was beginning to wonder if he knew the actual truth. Finally she looked away, her face folding into an emotionless mask and said, "I'll need to think about it."_

_"Shepard," he said, raising his hand and brushing her hair over her shoulder, ignoring the oil tightening around his heart and lungs when she shifted just out of his reach, just enough to let him know she was still angry even if her tone and expression said nothing."I know you hate Cerberus, but in the end it boils down to who you hate more." He ran a hand over his fringe and down the back of his neck. "I don't want anything to happen to you. I couldn't live with myself. Not again."_

_Her expression softened, barely, and she placed her first two fingers in the middle of her forehead, her thumb pressed against her temple, running them across her brow. "I-I have some things to take care of first."_

_"Time isn't on our side, Aislinn. I'm not going to force you to make a decision but I want you to remember that the sooner you let us, me -- let_ them _help you, the better. And we then might have a chance at ending this."_

_"I'm just one woman, one_ person _, in this fight. It's going to take a hell of a lot more than me to end this," she answered, dropping her hand and curling her fingers over her hip until her knuckles turned pale._

_She was losing control, he knew - could see it - but just a few more minutes was all he was asking for. Her eyes were slowly shifting from green to silver and it broke his heart, shattering it into a million fragments. "One week," he said. "That should be enough time."_

_Her brow furrowed and she lifted her hands to her hair, twisting it until she could tuck it in on itself in a tight, unnaturally neat bun. "A week," she repeated, smoothing the stray hairs back and closing her eyes with a sigh. Her face smoothed out, her lips turning up at the corners._

_"Shepard?" he asked tentatively, already knowing._

_"You need to get out of here, Garrus," she said, her eyes opening, a bright silver._

_He ran like hell and didn't look back._

  

* * *

  

"Visual?"

"Roger," she answered, her slender fingers curling above her omni to hide the orange glow against the dark, wintry night. "I'm freezing, by the way."

"Well," Vigil drawled through her helmet’s communication unit, sounding bored, "it _is_ Alchera."

"Yeah. I know," she replied with a roll of her eyes. "I just meant that we can't sit out here indefinitely. Even with the enviro suits we have on, we're likely to freeze to death. It's like being on Noveria again. Just, well... you know, without the damn blizzards."

"Enough," Javik said, his voice cutting through their chatter and enough of an annoyed edge that no one dared to argue. "How many guards do you count?"

"Twelve total. Turian and asari."

Had his helmet been off, they would have seen the quick flash of surprise that crossed his face. He shouldn’t have been surprised, he knew that, but to have no humans on guard was very unlike Cerberus or, at the very least, Jack Harper. "Any others?"

"No -- wait. Yes," Amrhain said. "A Guardian but it looks as if it's just moving through. Might want to be careful though, boss."

"Positions?"

"Two snipers on either side. The rest are either infantry or CQB forming around the top and base of the structure," Jennifer answered. "Automatic turrets on the top most point of the mountain, but nothing a quick overload can't fix. Or a well placed a bullet."

She looked towards Javik's quiet glimmering position in the ice and snow, frowning. His cloak was malfunctioning and that was a problem. She patched her com directly into his and said, "If I can see you, so can they."

He looked in her direction, his helmeted face masked, but she heard the worry in his voice when he responded. "How bad is it?"

"You're flickering," was all she managed to say before a bullet zinged past his head, barely missing the top of his helm. "Shit!"

She rolled to the side, dodging the sniper’s fire and pulled her pistol from her holster, her finger slipping over the trigger and pulled back. Its voice permeated her brain, reminding her. At the last second she dropped her aim, and the bullet lodged itself into the asari sniper's shoulder.

The asari's body jerked back, her hand touching the spot, and her helmeted face lifted to find the source, but Jennifer was already moving towards Javik.

She dropped to her knees next to him as he switched to stun rounds. Quickly she pulled up her omni and tapped into it. "Shit," she said. "You're cloak is damaged." A flurry of bullets and biotics flew past them, barely giving her time to duck and roll. "Goddamn it!"

She lifted her head in time to see an asari charging up for a biotic warp and reacted with her own defenses, throwing out a biotic sphere that sent her sailing backwards.

"So much for being quiet, huh?" Amrhain asked, dropping a sniper with stun rounds.

"If we're lucky, they haven't sounded the alarm," she said. Another bullet zinged past her ear, skimming the top of her shoulder pauldron. "Singularity out!"

"Yes!" Amhrain cried when the last few got swept up and were dangling in mid air.

Next to her, Javik dropped them with his remaining stun rounds and scanned the area for more enemies. "If they know we are here, they are waiting to ambush us when we move forward."

"We can't keep sitting out here like ducks. We have to push on."

He swung his head around to look at his team before nodding. "Agreed. Fall in behind me."

  

* * *

  

The door slid open to reveal a small room with a bed and little else. Typical cell, he thought. The occupant of the room looked up at the intruder with a bored expression before lifting a brow plate in recognition and amusement.

"Nihlus," Saren greeted with an almost purr to his voice. "Visiting a prisoner?"

"Not quite," he answered, quickly disabling the cameras. Once he felt their conversation would be safe from prying eyes and ears, he leaned back against the wall. His arms crossed over his chest and one foot over the other, toeing the ground. "You know why I am here, Saren."

The turian gave a shrug, a convenient humanism that most species were using to convey an answer. "Perhaps," he said, swinging his long legs over the bed and planting his feet flat on the floor.

"Don't," Nihlus warned. Saren merely laughed and fixed him with a smile.

"What do you want with it?"

"I am here to deliver it to her."

"Without the Illusive Man's consent?"

Nihlus sighed and ran a hand over his face before tucking his hand back under his arm. "He has no idea it even exists and that's the way she wants it stay."

Saren's brow plates rose to a comical level and his eyes widened in barely contained surprise. "Really? I was under the impression he put her up to this."

"Given everything you know, do you really think he would want this?"

Saren lifted a shoulder. "Why not? Immortality for our children after they die? Who wouldn't want that?"

"Not immortality. It's a project and one that she isn't positive will work in the end."

"I think I'll hold onto it."

Nihlus' mandibles pulled close to his jaw and narrowed his eyes at the other turian. "For what? Leverage?"

"How else am I supposed to get out of this facility?"

"If you keep it and Vakarian gets his hands on it --"

"Vakarian is the least of my worries," Saren cut in with a wave of his hand. "He couldn't crack the encryption if he tried or had the best tools at his disposal."

Nihlus laughed, his mandibles flaring in unabashed sudden mirth. He laughed until he could barely stand and had to place his three fingered hand against the wall, bracing himself. He laughed at the seriousness of Saren's words and how the augmented turian believed them wholeheartedly. He was finally able to gain control of himself and shook his head. "You greatly underestimate Vakarian. If he wants something, he will get it. Even if it means going outside of Cerberus for it."

Saren sniffed, obviously put out by the information. "And who might he contract? A lowly merc? A tech specialist? This data is highly encrypted, you know that. You know what's on it, Nihlus, and that means you know she would anticipate everything."

Nihlus titled his head in mild agreement. "Perhaps you're right," he conceded with a small nod. When Saren offered a smug smile he continued, his own smile widening when the turian froze, his expression fixed. "Though there are two out in the galaxy that I doubt even she has thought of." Saren's eyes widened as it dawned on him, like the sun rising after a particularly harsh winter in Theresven, a small city very north of Cipritine on Palaven. One of the very few places on Palaven that saw snow and ice and bitter, bitter cold.

"No," Saren said quickly. His words hard as steel. "She would have anticipated that -- thought of them. She wouldn't be so careless."

" _If_ she believed them to be a threat," Nihlus responded casually with a shrug. "Who would think that a group of such skill would hire two, lowly thieves to do their dirty work?"

"Goto and Okuda," Saren said quietly. He scoffed and shook his head. “Highly underestimated and her mistake. Foolish, foolish woman.”

"Give me the data and no one will ever see it," Nihlus said, his hand reaching towards Saren in a placating gesture.

Saren's expression once again slid into one of smugness as he laid back down on his cot. "I think I'll hold onto it for now," he purred. "Maybe this _is_ what I need. Perhaps if the Illusive Man discovers her little secret, and yours, that might be my ticket out of here. Or into his good graces."

"Have it your way," Nihlus shrugged. "If you believe the outcome will be a pat on the back and an open door, so be it, Saren. I highly doubt that Harper will take this research lightly, especially when it concerns one of his children and that the Shadow Broker, of all people, developed it with the help of another. It will lead to questions, demands, and no answers. You will be the one to fall, not myself."

"You think she wouldn't _sobolan_ you out as well?" Saren asked sharply with a harsh laugh. "You have --"

"Taken the necessary precautions. Unlike you. Not once have I left track marks leading myself to you or her. I am smarter than that. Give me credit where credit is due, my barefaced friend. You call me a rat, but what are you? A pendulum that swings to a beat of its own accord with no ties to anything but the bar it precariously hangs from. You make the mistake of underestimating me, Saren,” Nihlus shot quietly, his voice barely above a whisper and the tone dangerous; so dangerous the turian looked at him from under raised brow plates and mouth parted. “Did you really think I would risk my career? My _life_? For _you_? If so, you are sadly mistaken. I’ve worked too hard for you, a _bareface_ , to jeopardize it.”

Before Saren could respond, Nihlus was stepping out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is 5 months past due. Yes, I am sorry. No, I don't have a very good reason as to why it took so long. I'm just sorry. Life got in the way and I had a severe case of writer's block. I managed to write about 1000 words a month and miraculously the curse of block has henceforth been lifted. The next chapter is in the works, but I can't guarantee it'll be up any time soon. Though, hopefully, sooner than 5 months. I really am sorry. 
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoy it!


	15. Chained

_His hand, all warm palms, extended with a smile reaching across his features and twisting his face into something gruesome, something terrifying yet magnetic and beautiful. His palm was wet against her cheek, her stomach roiling, but his smile was so inviting. It beckoned her, whispered her name in soft, secret curves._

_She answered, her heart stretching and shattering, with an extension of her hand that lifted, limp yet strong, and grasped at him._

_“Isn’t this better?” his voice, deep, thrumming, and so very hungry, questioned. She nodded, her head moving forward as if guided by a force a thousand times greater than her own will, confusion blooming in a thick, choking black cloud deep in her mind and searing her lungs._

_She coughed a plume of obsidian smoke, thin and dirty, from her chest. Her hand lifted to her lips, to stifle her weakness, but when she pulled back her fingers, she noticed a bright red splotch; a supernova of an extraordinarily small size dotting her palm. Her heart seized, her body froze. For all that she was, she thought she was dead._

“Get those out of here!” someone screamed as her body lifted off a hard surface in another convulsion, a high pitched, earth shattering scream ripping out of her throat.

_\-- her body was on fire. her skin felt was melting off in thick, sticky layers and she tried to cry out, tried to tell them what they were seeking from the drell --_

_“You’re forgetting,” his voice continued, wrapping around her in velvet waves until she was hot and breathless. He wouldn’t stop until she craved more, more, more. She needed to hear his voice until she couldn’t stand it anymore and begged him to stop talking, to stop the whispering against her ear and mind._

_“Forgetting?”_

_\-- she looked down and a scream tore from her throat. blood, bright rainbows of sticky blood, were painted over her skin in thick strokes --_

_“You can’t run, you can’t hide. You’re mine,” he whispered fiercely. His fingers wrapped around the base of her skull, her hair sliding over his hand, and her lips parted in anticipation._

_“Yours,” she repeated, her hand lifting to grip his hair when his tongue laved the hollow at her throat, a shockingly wanton moan escaping her flushed lips.“Yours.”_

"What is it? What is causing this?" a voice, accented and strong, asked desperately.

_\-- she choked, something foreign being shoved in her throat. she didn’t want this. no. it couldn’t be real. couldn’t be happening. she had fought so hard --_

_“Stop fighting,” he commanded, his grip tightening until it left a bruise on her pale skin. His lips and teeth nipped at her clavicle, his knee slipping roughly between her legs. "You know what happens when you fight me."_

_Her legs fell open, her heart speeding up at the feel of him against her core. Her skin felt too hot and she tore at his clothes. She needed this. Needed stability. He brought stability and she both hated and loved it._

_\-- no! no! she could fight. she didn't want to sleep again. she wanted to stay --_

“It’s a chip,” a rough dual toned voice said, seeming far away and bordering on worry.

_His grip turned hard as steel, his hand on her thigh so tight she cried out in pain and tried to pull away but his weight was too much. "Be a good girl, Shepard," his voice coaxed as his lips pulled her clothed, pert nipple into his mouth. "Come back to me. We do good work. You do good work."_

_Oh, the emotion that he awoke inside of her was too much, too fast, but she couldn’t get enough. Her fingers pulled at his pants and tugged at her shirt. If she could just have him, then everything would be fine. It would be okay._

_\-- she looked down and fell to her knees, her hands snaking through her hair and pulled until her eyes filled with unshed tears. so much death. so many bodies. she did this. murdered them. weak --_

“How do we stop this rapid deterioration of her systems?” the accented voice asked again as her body shook and sweat slicked her skin.

_"Jumbled, everything," she whispered against his ear._

_"Accept me. Accept your duty," he said, his silken words sliding over skin, cooling the heat. She felt him probing her entrance; hard, hot and heavy for her._

_She wanted --_

_\-- to fight. to tear him, them, to pieces with her bare hands. she was standing in a field. black flowers dancing merrily in the hard wind, and she stared outwards as the bodies continued to pile up, up, up. she felt her will start to crumble and she ran --_

“You can’t,” the other voice answered, a warm hand coming down and pressing on her chest. Holding her still as something was slid under her skin and electricity shot through every nerve ending.

_\-- his hands on her, his length filling her. "Accept?" she asked, pulling him closer. She had to feel his breath on her skin, in her lungs. He gave her life. He gave her purpose. He was her life, her breath and her mind. She felt his length press against her thigh._

_"Say yes and this will all be over. I can take away your pain. Remember before? I made you whole. I can do that again,” he whispered, his lips letting fall a series of scalding kisses against her skin._

_She blinked up at him, her hands stilling on his body. Her silver eyes shifting in color and she saw the handsome and disgusting features twist into a black emotion of pure rage. She wanted to make him happy, but the black smoke was clouding her mind again as arousal pulsed through every inch of her._

_\-- Garrus. Jack. love. i am stronger than this. her feet pounded the ground. her hair blowing out behind her. she hopped over the bodies --_

“Can’t? What does that mean? Someone get that sedative in her now!”

_"Why fight?" she asked. "Remembering hurts. It hurts."_

_"Come back to me," he urged, bending forward until his forehead touched hers and his hands curved across her naked hips. Her hips lifted, her body screaming for his touch. Just a few more breaths and he would be inside of her._

_“Back? Back where?” Her fingers dug into his jacket, jerking him to her until he was rubbing himself across her, hot and warm and ready for her. He was life, he was breath. He was what gave her everything. How could she deny him?_

_\-- to hurt is to be human. to feel is real. this isn't real. it can’t be real. the cliff’s edge was so close --_

“It is a brilliant move on their part. Until they find her, it kills her. If you remove it, it kills her. Regardless, she will die unless,” the soft, dual toned voice paused, “she is given to them.”

_"Why hurt when you can be at peace and never know pain again?" he questioned, his hot lips pressing against her ear and tongue circling her lobe. His hands raked hot trails up her sides._

_\-- there was nothing. the edge of the rocky cliff was a vast empty drop. there was nothing but death waiting for her. she deserved it. she could jump and end the madness --_

_“You can’t hide from me,” he said, his hands spreading her thighs. “You can’t die unless I say so, Shepard. Stop fighting.” He jerked her down until the tip of him was pressing just inside of her, fueling her arousal and blanking out all coherent thought._

_“I don’t want too,” she whispered, hooking her ankles together around his back and desperately trying to pull him deeper._

_**  
** \-- jump. end things. that’s how she could survive. she stepped closer. her toes curling around the rocky edge of the black cliff --_

“I refuse to let her die,” the accented voice growled, metal sliding across paper roughly. Her head split open and she screamed, a sound that shattered glass and reverberated across the too cold room.

_“Fight and you will die, Shepard. Do not test me,” he snarled against her ear, thrusting his hips forward until he was sheathed inside of her._

_She gasped, the thick, black smoke choking her until she was coughing. She coughed so hard, blood was spurting between her lips, tears cascading down her cheeks and he fisted his hand in her hair to keep her still. He slammed his hips into hers, his teeth pulling at her flesh._

_"_ You can't save her."

_\-- the wind stopped. it was calm. she turned. the bodies were gone. it was empty and blue. peaceful._

__

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this is so overdue. I honestly didn't intend for it to be this long. I haven't forgotten about it -- that there is a new chapter is proof of that. I can't guarantee I'll be updating again any time soon, but know that I have not and nor will I intend to abandon this or any of my other WIPs. 
> 
> As always, I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> PS. I'm sorry it is so short.


	16. Secrets

Jack checked behind her at every turn, making sure she wasn't being followed through the Underground. She'd managed to shake Hackett when the alarms sounded - meaning there were intruders who'd managed to break through the main defense systems. While she wasn't great at tech she could hack a camera to cover her tracks and did so at every corner. The last thing she needed was to be spotted when the whole Underground was on lockdown. Luckily for her, that meant that everyone else was too busy focusing on the Collectors and not paying any damn attention to her. At the last turn she did one more check before slipping inside the door and locking it behind her. 

“Were you followed?” 

She spun around so quickly her hair slapped across her eyes painfully as she wrapped her fingers around the throat of the voice. The blue glow from her hand illuminated the turian face and she let him go, pressing that hand to her heart. “Jesus fucking Christ! Don't ever do that again. I almost fucking snapped your goddamn neck!” she gasped, taking a step back to lean against the cold, metal door which felt absolutely amazing against her hot, flushed skin. 

“You need to relax, Jack. You knew I would be here.”

“Yeah, so? Maybe it wasn't you. Maybe it was someone else. Maybe someone was smart enough to figure out what we're doing. Maybe it was fucking Vakarian! Goddammit, Nihlus! She's fucking dead. She's dead because I let it happen. I told the Shadow Broker to use that information you got from Krios to kill my sister!” She was rambling and she knew it, but she couldn't stop the sudden grief and crippling pain that was overtaking her. She thought - she didn't know what she'd think when Aislinn was dead. Relief maybe? A sense of calm? She was babbling, she never babbled. She couldn't think straight, not with everything that had just happened. Not with her sister fucking dead. She didn't even know she was talking aloud until - 

“Okay, okay. Take a deep breath. Inhale… good. Now exhale… good,” Nihlus crooned softly, his hands slipping about her shoulders to pull her thin, tattooed body against his. He tucked her head into the crook of his carapace, not unlike how he'd comforted her at Grissom so long ago, and blinked up at the dark ceiling. “It worked. Do you hear me?  _ It worked, Jack. _ Do you understand that the data Saren has, the data he's going to give you, will bring her back? I know it hurts now, but just think of how she'll feel when she's awake and she's no longer under the Creator's control.”

“I-I know. I know!  _ I fucking know _ , but what if it  _ doesn't  _ work? What if she remembers all of the horrible shit she's done? What if she's more their thrall than ever? Nihlus,” she asked, lifting her face to meet his eyes, her golden eyes bright with tears. “What have we done?”

 

* * *

 

 

“EDI I need a visual!” Garrus yelled into his helmet as the lights suddenly went out and the power was cut. “EDI!”

He expected her to answer, but there was nothing. Just static on his end. He tried patching through to Williams, Alenko and Vega but he was getting nothing. The silence was deafening and he was straining to hear anything at all - a breath, a cough, a footstep but there was nothing. 

It was almost as if he was in a biotic bubble, but that couldn't be possible.

Unless - 

He flicked his flashlight on only to be struck in the face by the butt of a rifle. His own weapon went skittering across the floor and the last thing he heard before he was knocked unconscious was a heavily accented voice that said, “Take him too. Along with Shepard. The Shadow Broker needs both of them. And find the other three.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Get those goddamn generators up, Tali!”

“I'm trying, John, but they've sent some sort of electromagnetic pulse with a biotic ion field to halt my hacking. There's nothing I can do. I've never seen anything like this before. Who are these people?”

“Collectors. They're the only ones with this kind of technology.”

“This is beyond any Collector tech I've seen. This is like what the Creators use on Rannoch when  they're training their biotics, but it's modified a bit.”

John cautiously made his way across the dark room to where Tali’s omni-tool was glowing orange against her purple skin. “Here. Let me take a look.”

Sure as shit, this wasn't something they could easily bypass, if at all. He entered a few commands only to be blocked by five more encryptions. “John. I think we're going to have to wait this one out. There's no way we're getting the generators online and we can't force the doors open. They're all blast doors that lock into place,” she said, reaching for his hand to pull him against her. “I'm sorry.”

“They're here for Aislinn and Jack,” was all he could say as he wrapped his arms around her and hoped to God Garrus was out there, able to get to his sisters in time. 

 

* * *

 

 

_ Tap, tap.  _

_ Tap, tap, tap.  _

_ Tap-tap, tap-tap, tap-tap-tap!  _

The door opened slowly, the concrete groaning against creaking metal, and revealed a hallway bathed in burnt yellow lighting that seemed to drag on. Their shadows bounced off the walls eerily as they maneuvered through the passage and towards another door. Another series of taps and it too opened, but to a biometric scanner this time. 

They passed through it and into a wide, white living space littered with black puffy couches, white squashy chairs, and large, cherry coffee tables. On the right side of the room was a vidscreen that was nearly the size of the wall and on the other a well stocked bar with sparkling glasses that glimmered under the pale, purple lighting. 

A door opened at the far end and a woman with black, wavy hair and shockingly blue eyes entered. Her black heels clicked across the tiled floor and her white dress floated around her ankles. She came to a stop in front of them, one hand on her hip while the other lifted towards the barefaced turian in their company. “Hand over the data,” she ordered, her perfectly manicured fingers beckoning him to place the small chip in her upturned palm. 

“What do I get in return?” he asked, not quite ready to part with his small treasure. 

“Your life. I should think that, above all, is a small price to pay for giving me what I need,” she replied smoothly, her face not betraying anything and her stance not moving an inch. 

He seemed to debate it, but after a few moments he placed it in her hand. Her fingers closed around it and her lips lifted into a semblance of a smile. She gestured around the room. “Welcome to the lair of the Shadow Broker, or Sanctuary if you'll please. You'll find everything you need in your own room, down the hall, and past that door to the left there is a fully stocked kitchen with everything a Turian, Human, and Prothean could ever want or ask for. I'll also have you note that all communication has been disabled unless I deem it necessary for you to interact with anyone or anything outside this base.” Her gaze shifted to Javik who didn't seem the least bit cowed by her presence. “I'll need you to transfer her to the medical wing and let It know that she has arrived safely. It wants you to update It on the status of Cerberus and the Collectors as soon as possible.”

“And me? What am I to do?” Jennifer asked, her helmet still in place. Jack wasn't aware her sister had a clone and she'd like to keep it that way for now. 

“You are to follow me. It has requested that you help me with Lazarus.”

“Yes, Shadow Broker,” she answered, leaving her formation to stand next to her. 

“Vigil, I need you to secure Vakarian in wing B for now. I have a feeling he's going to have a lot of questions and we need him. As for you, Nihlus, I trust that you can show everyone else to their rooms?” He nodded. “Good. Then all is set here. I need to get to work, but I'll be meeting with you, individually, soon.”

Just as quickly as she entered, she was gone with Jennifer hot on her heals and Javik diverting through another door with Shepard's limp body in his arms. 

As soon as the door shut behind the Shadow Broker's back, Saren nearly pounced on Nihlus but grabbed him by the throat instead. “You could have told me the plan instead of making me think I had somehow misstepped and became a liability.”

“I didn't know at the time until Jack told me afterwards. Now get your hands off me. We have work to do.”

“Like what? She's going to be doing all the difficult work.”

“No. Our job is Garrus. We have to get him to trust her or this whole thing will fall apart.”

“And then what? He'll never go for it.”   
“He will eventually. He's the only one who can bring the Collectors and Cerberus together. We need them to be one in the same if we're going to win this war. So we need to get started on how to bring him to our side.”

“I thought that Aislinn was the way to get Cerberus to join with the Collectors?” Jack questioned, her brows pulled down over her eyes. “That's one of the reasons for bringing her back!”

“It's not as simple as waking her up, you know that. Until she is ready to go back out into the field, on our side, we need Garrus. He's the only one who Harper trusts implicitly.”

“We've certainly got our work cut out for us then,” Saren said dryly. “He's a very stubborn turian.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Wake up,” Nihlus said as he slapped Garrus’ mandibles. When he didn't stir at all he did it again. After the third time Garrus’ eyes slowly blinked open, unfocused and bleary. He tried to lift his head, but Nihlus placed a hand on his shoulder. “Take it easy, friend.”

“Uggngh. Oohf. Where am I?” Garrus asked, his sub-vocals hoarse and his words slurred together, nearly indistinguishable, as if he'd had one too many heat sinks. “Spirits. Why do I feel so weird?”

Nihlus took a seat across from his protégé who could barely lift his head without it lolling listlessly to one side and stamped down the surge of guilt he felt. He'd tried to convince the others, as well as the Shadow Broker, to try a different avenue but they overruled him. The Shadow Broker let the Collector who called himself Javik pump Vakarian with so many hallucinogens and sedatives that he was surprised he could even talk. He was remarkably strong willed, but he already knew that of course. Still though, it was impressive and he felt a swell of pride for his friend - hopefully Garrus would understand one day that he'd always done what he felt was right and he would once again call him friend too. “I know it's hard to concentrate, but I need you to pay close attention to what am I saying. Can you look at me?”

As if fighting something that was holding his eyes shut, he managed to open them - his pupils dilated dangerously wide, almost obstructing the blue completely - but he did it. Even if it was for just a moment, he had his attention and the feral, crazed look subsided somewhat as he attempted to get a grasp on his bearings. “Nihlus? Where - I don't… what is happening?”

“You've been heavily sedated and you've got more hallucinogenic properties coursing through your veins that should be possible for anyone or anything, but I need you to listen to my voice and think about what I am saying. Not how you're feeling. Do you understand, Vakarian?”

His head drifted backwards before he snapped it up again, a movement that made Nihlus’ plates shudder, and fixed him with a look that scared the hell out of him. “I will kill you. What have you  _ done to me _ ?” Garrus screamed, thrashing around in his bindings and growling with such hate emanating from his sub-vocals that Nihlus took an inadvertent step back. “What have you done to Cerberus?”

“Nothing. No one has been harmed or killed. Everyone, including you, are safe and will be protected.”

“Yeah, sure. ‘eard that from you once. Then you lef’ me t’die,” he slurred, his eyes drooping shut again. 

He slapped his face again. “Pay attention, Vakarian. I need you to do something for me. For us. For Cerberus. For - for Shepard,” he said quietly. 

Just the brief mention of her name had his head whipping forward, his mind slipped back into the lucid zone. “What about her? What do the Collectors want with her?”

“To save her, but they - we - can't do it without your help.”

“Save her? From what, indoctrination? That was you and Benezia’s job. Failure, you failed. Your fault. Now she's a - what? Did you see that?”

At his last wits end, he slammed his hands down on either side of Garrus. “Spirits be damned, Vakarian! She's dead!”

“Dead? Who's dead? Shepard? She can't die. The Creators won't let her die.”

“We killed her so - Spirits,” he cursed when Garrus lost all consciousness again. 

The door opened as he was trying to wake Garrus and he barely looked up to know that it was Javik. He reeked of superiority, a tangy, bitter scent that hung in the air any time he entered a room. It was enough to make him sick to his stomach. “Since you seem to be too close to him, the Shadow Broker has asked me to use my abilities on him. It's not much different from an Asari meld. He will be safe for now,” the Prothean said, his four eyes fixed firmly on Nihlus’ two as if he could read the thoughts from him without even touching him. 

“For now? That's supposed to be a consolation?”

“Yes. We need him to remember everything he's forgotten. Every painful memory, every seductive thought he's ever had, and every feeling of love he's felt needs to be brought to the forefront of his mind. Just like with Shepard, his memories are still there like a frozen river begging for the first caress of spring. I can do that, but once he remembers it will be up to you to guide him through the fog. His memories were not erased but repressed into the dark recesses of his mind, unlike Shepard who willingly gave into the indoctrination. Her memories are not just repressed, but sealed away, encrypted into her own mind so that only she could access them and even then she hardly had the power to do so. Do you understand?” 

“I-I think so.”

“Good. Now leave and let me do this to your friend,” he damn near commanded. 

Nimbus turned to, and was almost at, the door when Javik spoke again.

“Oh. Vanguard wishes to speak with you. See Miranda, the Shadow Broker, for access to the terminals. I believe that you'll find comfort in what It has to give you. A gift of sorts for your Liara T’Soni. Something to speed the process along once this Garrus Vakarian has his memories back. Something for her to focus on while he recuperates.” 

Nihlus nodded, his brow plates furrowed, and stepped through the door. 

A gift for Liara? What could possib - 

Then it dawned on him. 

_ Survival. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's overdue, yes. Which is a fault of my own. I'm sorry. I haven't forgotten it though so that should be some consolation. It will be updated again, but I cannot guarantee a date.
> 
> I think a few secrets were revealed this chapter, yes? Yes! 
> 
> Gimme your thoughts. I want to hear your theories. Slap them on me. 
> 
> As always, I hope you liked this chapter!

**Author's Note:**

> I happily thank [KabiViolet](http://archiveofourown.org/users/KabiViolet/pseuds/KabiViolet/works?fandom_id=49548) for being such an awesome beta while listening to my crazy thoughts, plots and outlines.
> 
> Bi-weekly updates are on Thursdays. :-)
> 
> You can follow the stories progress on my [tumblr account](http://darkaislinn.tumblr.com).
> 
> For those who are curious, this is [Aislinn and Jack](http://darkaislinn.tumblr.com/post/77774023024/shepards-gamble-essence-and-empiricism).


End file.
